Conflicted

Well, our walk last night didn’t do as much for me as our walk on Tuesday did. We walked longer and further though. I’m a little bit stiff. I thought I was going to die by the time I got home. My face sunburned slightly on our walk. We were in the piping hot sun for about 30 minutes. Today my face isn’t looking too bad, you can hardly notice it at all, but it was stinging and pink yesterday! Even after a cold shower I hadn’t cooled down yet, although our water failed me halfway through my shower.

Our water has been touch and go since Monday. Apparently there was some problem with the pressure in the complex. Rudi had to go two days without showering because no water came out of the tap after I had showered. Luckily last night things seemed to normalize.

I’m working this weekend, but I’m glad for it because it means I’ll be off on Valentine’s Day. Last year for Valentine’s Day Rudi bought me a kind of jasmine bush. I managed to keep it alive! Here it is today:



I was thinking about this baby thing last night. As much as I desperately want to be pregnant again and to have a healthy child…all this planning and charting and scheduled sexy time just doesn’t feel right. It shouldn’t be this way. I’m terribly conflicted about this. On the one hand I REALLY want to be pregnant. On the other hand I don’t feel like it should be an orchestrated affair. I feel that it should happen on its own, but as irrational as it may seem I feel like it won’t happen if we don’t have sexy time when we’re supposed to and we need to monitor everything to ensure we do. I know we didn’t need assistance falling pregnant before, but realistically it could have been a fluke. I think there is something like a 12 hour window for an egg to be fertilized. Surely that is easy to miss? How long is THAT going to take? So now I don’t know what to do. Do I follow my head or my heart?

Love <3

*image courtesy of Standford

I was discussing relationships and love with an online friend of mine from Belgium yesterday. It's so interesting and sometimes so hard to express in words.

We were talking about how one can never really be sure if the love that you give is reciprocated and the things we say in the heat of the moment during arguments. We spoke about how people say hurtful things when arguing and how these things are interpreted and sometimes even meant by the opposite sex.

Men and women are hardwired differently. We simply don't think the same way, so when we say things they are mostly interpreted incorrectly because the meaning is completely different when you are speaking to someone of the opposite sex. No wonder so many marriages end in ruins!

I suppose you will never really know how much someone else loves you, no matter how much they tell you or try to show you (of course I'm insecure! Who isn't?) or you will never know if their love is different from the love you feel for them. You will never know if you love them less or more than they love you.

It's all so damn complicated. All I know is that I love Rudi very much (even though I know I take him for granted most of the times) and that I am happy right now.

Will somebody please say something?