Renamed

Jane had a good point in the comment she left the other day. She said the names that I have for Rudi's friends are very negative. It's true, I can't deny it. Perhaps this assists in the perpetuation of my negative attitude towards them. So I have decided to rename them.

Crack Head scored MAJOR brownie points with me last night. He came to visit Rudi while I was at choir practice and when I got home I discovered a gift for me in the fridge. Lindor Chocolate balls. Absolutely my favourite and for some reason Rudi never got them for me on Valentine's Day as I requested. Now I have some. Don't worry, I didn't eat them. I'm saving them for a special occasion. Crack Head will hence forth be known as Lindor. He also bought me a tiny little cactus last time he visited. I'm not sure exactly why he comes bearing gifts since he seems to know now I have put my grudge aside, but I'm not going to question this practice or complain!

Now on to Boring Person (Male) and Boring Person (Female). This took me a long time to mull over in my head. Trying to come up with something creative and positive has proved to be quite a challenge. I thought about calling Boring Person (Male) Older Guy, but Lindor is around the same age so it just doesn't make sense. This isn't awfully creative, but I'm going to call him Fence. He has an Afrikaans name and the name kind of reminds me of the word 'fence' (translated). I think that is quite a neutral name. I neither love nor hate fences. Boring Person (Female) will now be known as Caregiver. She runs a creche and cares for quite a few children on a daily basis so I think the name is apt.

So now that nobody on my blog has a negative name anymore, other than My Evil Mother who I reserve the right to keep that way until she is no longer evil, I feel a little lighter.

Speaking of My Evil Mother. On Wednesday after church she called me aside, asked me to hold her hand and said something like 'No matter what happens and no matter what you or I say, I will always be your mother and these shoulders are always here for you'. RANDOM! Last night she called me at the last minute and asked to be picked up for choir practice. We had a little time to chat and I asked her why she made this random little speech. She then said 'I am your mother, I can sense things and I will always be there for you despite the fact that you aren't there for me'
'Like when?'
'Like when I went through my divorce, but it's fine.'
I didn't even get into it with her. I kind of feel like one is asking for divorce when you are cheating on your spouse. I don't know why you would expect a different result and I don't recall her being there for me all that much after we lost our son. Sure she came to the hospital and was there the day he was born and died and she went to look at him for me and take photos, but she wasn't there after that or before that when I was going through a very hard time. Being there for one day while all the drama of the weeks before come to a head and then not being there afterwards doesn't cut it in my book. But I didn't get into it with her. She says she's divorcing her current husband. This is not the first time she has said this. They've been married for four months. I am not sure if she will divorce him, although I don't see any benefit to staying with him.

I called my grandparents and found out that my grandmother had told her that Rudi and I were having problems (this is obviously how she 'senses things' as my mother). I kind of knew that would have been her source. I wish she would learn that I am not as gullible as she thinks.

Better

So things were better last night. I didn't sleep alone. As soon as we got in the car the air cleared. Rudi drove directly to his parent's house so I went with him to dinner. I didn't pretend everything is OK, but I didn't say or do anything that implied things weren't.

This morning in the car however things went pear shaped again. We were chatting about general stuff and Rudi mentioned their weekend fishing trip that is scheduled for the end of the month. I said I was not going and Rudi flipped his lid saying I was 'starting again' and that he expected me to talk things out with Boring Person and that he thinks I'm being childish by not agreeing to do so.

So I mulled it over and decided that I would be mature about it. I sent him a SMS after arriving at work today and told him to call Boring Person to set up drinks on Friday night so that we could talk. He hasn't replied to this SMS, but I've put the ball in his court. I will listen to Boring Person's reasoning and then make clear to him how I feel about things. I will also make it clear to him that he is not to disrespect me or our relationship again if he wants us to be friends. I don't think that is unreasonable. I hope this will appease Rudi and show him I am willing to make and effort.

We went for our walk last night and for a change I didn't nearly drop dead. I did, however, wear the wrong kind of shoes and the balls of my feet still hurt. I won't make THAT mistake again! While we were walking we had some time to talk. Rudi still does not want to go for counselling. I have no idea how to convince him otherwise. He still feels like there are not any problems in our marriage. Of course I disagree and feel that counselling can only do some good. He reckons that we would have to go for counselling only if we were fighting every night and had trouble making things right. I asked him if he would consider going for counselling if I went first. I asked him if he would go if my counsellor would like to see him. He still said no, saying it was a waste of money.

So. I am going to make a concerted effort and do what I can from my side. I'm going to be a grown up about it and suck it up. Lead by example.

I can only work on myself and make myself better. Rudi will hopefully see the effort that I make and appreciate it for what it is.

It feels like...

...my marriage is ending. Rudi and I have been at each other's throats every weekend for weeks now. Our weekend seemed to be going well yesterday until I got home from visiting a friend.

He completely lost his mind. When I saw him like this before the fight we had had escalated to the point where he became unpredictably angry. Last night he was at this point almost immediately.

He had gone fishing with Boring Person in the morning and ended up going there after the fishing trip. This was predictable enough. He was supposed to 'have it out' with him about the comments he had made the previous weekend. I called him as I left the movie I went to see with Leebeesa and discovered he was there (although he had said he was going to Crack Head's house after fishing). Apparently Crack Head had to go to hospital with his baby. Rudi then asked me to join him at Boring Person's house. Naturally I refused. He said that Boring Person wanted to speak to me and I told him I was not interested in anything he had to say.

When I got home naturally I asked him what Boring Person had said, curious to know why he had so easily forgiven him. Then he blew his top. All sorts of accusations were thrown at me. About how I am always miserable and he has to answer to his friends about it. About how his friends are never good enough and I always have a problem with them. About how he can't go out and enjoy his day because he anticipates a call or SMS from me nagging him. About how he would rather die than continue to be unhappy like this.

He then asked me where the sleeping tablets are (the gynae had prescribed some after we lost our baby) and started taking them. Initially he took two, then another three ad as the fight escalated wanted to take two more. I took the last two, not only to prevent him from taking them, but because I knew he would sleep on the couch and that would keep me awake. I threatened to call his mother, which followed with threats from him to smash my (new) phone and leave. I've seen him smash a phone before...so I didn't call his mother - whom I think had full right to know he was talking about and trying to kill himself.

In reality I don't really think that he wanted to kill himself. I think he was trying to stage drama for me to be upset. I would have done something much more reliable like slitting his wrists if he REALLY wanted to kill himself. So he's crying out for help.

Apparently he doesn't have enough freedom. Apparently I am too clingy and expect too much. Apparently I don't approve of any of his friends and I am a stuck up bitch. Apparently I am always miserable. Apparently everything is my fault I make him want to die.

I don't think that we're going to make it at this rate. He has made it clear that I make him unhappy. In fact, he's made it clear that he would rather be single, that is the life that he seems to want to live.

We didn't speak this morning. He sent me an SMS saying 'I'm sick and tired of this shit. I think I should leave'.

I replied saying 'Your solution to everything is to run away. You don't want to work on it so I don't know what to do either. I really think we should go for counselling, but you don't want to. If you don't want to work on our marriage, I can't do anything about it. I cannot fix it alone'

He can file divorce if he wants it that badly.

Interesting Developments

Where to start...

My car went in for a service on Friday. One of the headlights had somehow been damaged and I asked them to repair it, R1200.00 later. Then they called me to say my brakes weren't going to make it to the next service, R1300.00 later. Why am I leaking money?! Anyway...when I got my car back he no longer had a Paris Hilton (read: droopy) eye and no longer makes a knocking sound when I turn (loose bearings apparently, no charge) so I'm happy. My car feels better, so I feel better about shelling out R2500.00 for him.

We had a quiet evening on Friday. It was yesterday that things got interesting...

Yesterday after work (yes I worked this weekend) I went to fetch Rudi at the pub where he was playing darts after the morning's fishing trip. Boring People (the couple) were there. We discussed having a braai the evening and even some of the finer details like what they should bring. I was starving since I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast at 7:00 and it was already after 13:00. Needless to say I didn't want to eat pub food and asked Rudi when we could leave. He assured me it was his last game of darts, but as soon as the game was finished he said...'This is the last one, promise' to which my reply was 'How long is this going to take?!' I was huffy and grumpy because I was starving. We finally left.

We were expecting our guests around 18:00. They didn't show...Crack Head made his appearance, but no sign of Boring People. I asked Rudi to start the fire so long as by 19:00 we hadn't heard anything yet. At almost 20:00 Boring Person (Male) SMS'd Rudi to say he had just woken up and Boring Person (Female) had already made food. He went on to say they didn't appreciate my attitude and didn't want to be in a place where I was going to be belittling their friend (Rudi). Rudi was understandably upset, I was livid. Rudi replied 'Don't understand, please explain'. About one and a half hours later he replied saying that he has no problem with Rudi, but he heard me ask Rudi 'How long is this going to take?!' and he knows Rudi and life well enough to know when there is a problem. He doesn't like the way I speak to Rudi, it upsets him.

I'm sorry, WHAT?! Last time I checked, Rudi didn't have a problem with the way I speak to him and it just so happens not to be any of his business. Aside from eavesdropping, he saw fit to speak crap about me to my husband, thereby interfering in our marriage. Nice friend. Rudi was very taken aback and disappointed, saying 'he must be drunk'.

I don't care HOW drunk you are, you butt out of other people's affairs! Don't even get me STARTED on him. I could very well sit here and write a load of crap about him and his lifestyle and partner choices, but I choose not to. You know why? Because it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS!

Anyway. I'm seriously pissed off about it and told Rudi that he will not be welcome in my home and should not expect me to be friends with him. Crack Head thought this incredibly funny since Boring People have now been demoted to his level.

That being said, Crack Head and I have sort of made peace and I've decided to give him another chance. It's been more than a year since our falling out and Rudi seems determined to keep him as a friend, so for Rudi's sake I decided to try and change my attitude towards him and clear the animosity between us.

Not much help since Boring People have now created animosity between us again. Idiots!