Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Service for the Departed

So this is going to be a really hard week for me. On Sunday James will be baptised and sealed. Once every four months we have 'Service for the Departed' which is dedicated to those souls who have passed on and are in the 'realms of the beyond' (this is a place between your time on earth and the after life). At every Service for the Departed babies who did not get the opportunity in life are baptised and sealed. The purpose of these services is to offer grace for those who may not have obtained this while on earth. Bear in mind this is something that is (as far as I understand) unique to our religion and something that I have been raised to believe in.

So on Sunday it is the first Service for the Departed since James passed on. He will be in the forefront of my mind, along with others I know that have passed and even those I don't know of. I have already become emotional during choir practices where we are already preparing hymns for the service. It was touched upon in the service past which already brought tears to my eyes. I will be sitting in the back, Rudi has already been told his presence is non-negotiable. I will not stay for chatter and tea and cake after service. I will be leaving directly after.

While others have forgotten that I am still grieving for the child I have lost, the pain is still very real to me. I was just starting to feel a bit better when all these events started coming up. I would have been on maternity leave now. It would have been less than a month to my due date. I probably would have had my baby shower already (others that were pregnant with me are having theirs)...and so I just feel crushed again.

My gynae thinks I could be/will be pregnant again by May, but that is him guessing. It's not like he's saying 'you're going to receive a bill from me in May' - that I could count on. I cannot count on when he or anyone else thinks I'm going to be pregnant. Nobody knows. I wonder sometimes if knowing would help me to relax and help me to feel better. I would probably be unsatisfied with the date if it wasn't March (yes, I know already that February wasn't the month for us either). Rudi is very laid back about it. My comment about purchasing an ovulation microscope was met with rolling of eyes and a sigh. Rudi doesn't believe in calculations and tests.

So here's a warning. I'm going to be gloomy all week and perhaps even next week. I'm not going to suck it up just yet, but after this Service for the Departed and 18 March (my estimated due date) I will pick up and carry on with my life. I still need a bit of time.

11 comments:

Wenchy said...

You are going to be fine!!!

Anonymous said...

Shame I know it'll be hard for you, but "Rudi has already been told his presence is non-negotiable." maybe Rudi would prefer not to go, maybe he doesn't want to deal with that, maybe you should ask him how he feels about it and if he wants to go instead of commanding him to.....I'm just saying, this kind of stuff could be what is affecting your marriage.

If it happened to me I wouldn't want to be reminded of it all the time, each person is different, maybe Rudi will resent you a bit for forcing him to go.

Anyways, take care and remain strong! You will have children in the future, just relax and let it happen :)

acidicice said...

If I put my mind to it, Wenchy.

Anonymous - I need my husband there for support. I understand the spiritual implications to a far greater extent than Rudi does as he is not part of our church, nor does he understand our practices as I do. All he has to do is sit there and hold my hand. That's his job as a husband and he understands that it is needed for him to be there for me on Sunday. I am not forcing him to go. He wants to.

Anonymous said...

ahhh ok glad he wants to go and be there for you :)

Anonymous said...

Will be thinking of you (((HUGS))) and you just take all the time you need - nobody expects you to just bounce back and make as if nothing has happened!!!!!

Gen

Panni said...

Strongs for Sunday. Maybe it will help a little with some closure. Not saying you are just going to forget and move on, but it may just help the healing along a little. xxx

supermom said...

HUGS. I'm sure it will be very hard on you. I will be thinking of you

Jeanette said...

(((HUGS))) Rudi sounds so much like my husband, he also didn't think very much of my measuring and calculating.
I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

Jaxie said...

It won't be easy, but you will get through it. Thinking of you.

angel said...

...I still need a bit of time...
good lord woman, take however much you need. use us to vent and rant whenever you need to. i would possibly have curled up and just stayed in bed forever if it were me- i simply cannot imagine losing my damien no matter how crazy he makes me or how old he is.
parents should not have to bury their children!


sorry... got a little carried away. i'm a tad emotional myself right now.


{{{{hugs}}}}

acidicice said...

Thank you guys for your support and taking the time to convey it.

<3