I’m feeling slightly ill today. I have this burning feeling in my stomach. Maybe it’s because I’m under stress at home. I think that losing our baby has finally caught up to our marriage and even though it’s not what we’re fighting about, I think it might be the underlying reason that is driving a wedge between us. Like Dr. Phil says, people fight about ‘topics’, but never really about the problem itself. Rudi won’t admit this, or maybe I’m wrong.
I basically spent the weekend on my own. On Sunday I went to church and afterwards to my grandfather to help him do something for his boss. We went to the in laws for lunch where I’m usually alone anyway since Rudi is usually cooking or seeing what he can do to fix the pool.
Eventually last night I tried to talk about it. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. The more I tell him that I don’t expect him to give up his friends, I only expect to be considered, the less he seems to understand. All I ask for is some quality time and for him to come home when he says he is going to. This is not a lot to ask, but apparently it is too unreasonable. I had to hear how someone he knows goes away for weekends with his friends. As if I care. I’m not married to that guy!
He told me how his friend’s wives/girlfriends were with them on Friday night and how they didn’t look happy being there, but were there anyway (apparently good wives/girlfriends make sacrifices like this for the people they love). I asked him if that is the type of man he wants to be. The type of man who has a puppy dog following him around miserably and feeling forced to be there; the type of man that makes his wife unhappy.
I am feeling neglected and unimportant. He is feeling trapped and controlled.
He doesn’t understand why I need attention. I don’t understand why he feels controlled and trapped when he has so much freedom.
He doesn’t want to go for counselling. He seems to think that he doesn’t need a ‘head doctor’, but I do. I do not dispute the fact that I could do with some help. He agreed to go if I pay, but I cannot afford it alone.
Suffice to say I am not trying to get pregnant right now.