Tuesday, 28 October 2008

And another Monday

I received a call from the sonar specialist yesterday afternoon. She has made an appointment for me at Tygerberg Hospital next Monday. They have a special clinic on Mondays and she asked them to urgently fit me in. I will be seeing more than one doctor and they will collectively be looking at the scans to help us gain clarity on the questions we have.

Tygerberg is a government hospital. We'll most likely be sitting there for the majority of the day. She even told us to take food as we'll probably get hungry sitting there waiting (she is such a lovely woman). She said she reckons that we'll have enough information on Monday to make an informed decision. She said we shouldn't be frightened by how reception looks (probably very delapidated, neglected and dirty) as they have the best equipment and the doctors really know what they are doing. Tygerberg may have a reputation for being 'run down', but they also have a reputation for having very good doctors. It is also a teaching hospital. The specialist says she thinks she will be wasting our time if she looks again as she has already looked twice and she feels the situation can use a fresh set of eyes, so basically we are going for a second and possibly a third and fourth opinion. She also mentioned that the baby will be more developed (almost two weeks further along since the initial scans) and may be lying a better position for potential problems to be spotted. She wished us all the best and assured us she will stay updated through the other doctors. After Monday we'll contact our gynae and advise him whether or not we want to continue with the pregnancy.

Yesterday I was doing some research on club feet. I found the following link which describes procedures used to correct club feet: http://www.clubfeet.net/medical.php#operations.
The user comments there (not to mention the photos) scare me. There are people that were born with the condition which suffer with pain every day. One gentleman even had his legs amputated and says he is much happier now (he is 51). There are comments of much younger people suffering from the after effects of the condition and people that have had more than 10 surgeries. There are, of course, those that say they are happy and have 'achieved their dreams', but they are by far the minority. It makes me wonder if it would be wise to keep her, even if only her feet are affected as they are both severely deformed. There will be so much pain and suffering, whether or not the surgeries are successful (surgery is serious and terrible for anyone, not to mention a baby that doesn't understand the benefits of it).

This problem is very hard to deal with. I cannot drown my sorrows or light up and forget about my problems. I have to deal with all the emotions head on and sober. Whether or not we decide to terminate I want my daughter to have the best possible life. I don't want her to suffer intoxication in my womb, by my hand. I know it sounds silly, even if we decide to terminate. Some might ask what difference it makes. It makes a difference to me. I want her to be happy - even though she is probably going through a difficult time with me right now as I am very emotional at the moment.

I'm trying my best to relax and be calm for her for now. There is absolutely nothing I can do at the moment either way.

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