Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Lorelei

I want to give my baby her name. I want her to have it no matter what happens. It was her name from the second we chose it for her and I will not take it away from her. We were always certain on what her name would be if it turned out to be a girl. We were stuck on a boys name, but it seems that turned out the way it should have. At least something did.

She will always be our first daughter, our little girl and her name shall be hers and hers alone. I always wanted to call my daughter Lorelei.

I forgot to mention yesterday that she yawned on the scan. It was so cute. I just wanted to burst into tears all over again.

I've calmed down a lot since Monday. Following a path of acceptance. I still feel completely powerless. Rudi is alot more hopeful than me. I don't know how he stays so positive. We fought last night. I started to cry...after containing myself for a large part of the day and he became impatient with me. He cannot understand why I am so emotional when not much is certain. I cannot understand how he is not crying when things are uncertain. I had to remind him that I'm not only upset, but that I am still pregnant and my hormones are still raging inside of me. I told him that he needs to be supportive whether I scream, cry or bang my head against the wall. He needs to understand that I can't just 'relax' until I know better. I need an outlet. I need him to be there for me when I need an outlet.

Ingrid and Andre are a couple in our church who have a down syndrome daughter. They made headlines at some point when they sued the medical profession for not allowing them to have their daughter have a hysterectomy. Their daughter Kelly used to go through a terrible time every month when she got her period. She used to become hysterical, not understanding what was happening to her. The medical profession didn't feel that her mother had the right to take away her right to have a child. Ingrid and Andre eventually won the court case. They truly are amazing people. They are every day heroes. I admire them a lot. My grandfather is very close with them and asked Ingrid to give me a call yesterday.

We chatted for a while. She asked me questions about what they found in the scan and when I was going for the amniocentesis. She has a good idea of what I am going through even though it's not exactly the same. She told me not to think 'big' thoughts right now. Not to think further than today. She said we shouldn't try and think about the outcome or what is going to happen since nobody can predict that. She says she had to learn to take things one day at a time and before she knew it she'd made it through the day, the week, the month. She said we need to appreciate every day that we have with our daughter now. We must just be grateful that we have another day with her, whether it be the one of many or not. She also said I could call her any time of the day or night if I need to talk. She also said she get the downs syndrome foundation to give me a call since they have qualified counsellors that deal with any type of pregnancy complications or problems. She also said that Rudi and I will make the right decision when the time came and that we would make peace with it. She didn't try to force her decision onto me or try to make it more difficult for me to think about.

It really helps to have people around you to support you. Friday is going to be another tough day. Either we'll have an answer - which will be a bad thing or we won't have an answer, which will also be a bad thing.

We'll have to keep a close eye on our girl, Lorelei.

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