Graduation Day

Today is graduation day. Over a year ago I was nominated to take part in a programme at work. We basically did a course offered by Wits University on Telecommunications. About two months ago we wrote the final exam and today we receive our certificates in a special ceremony. I'm not sure if we will get a qualification that is recognized outside of the company, but at least we get some kind of recognition and I'm sure it will be recognized within the company when applying for other positions.

The course took place over a one year period and a lot of people dropped out along the way. All the candidates were nominated and it was implied that it was a great honour, so most felt obligated to participate (at least until they got tired of it). Some people attended all of the sessions, but didn't write the exam. Those that didn't write the exam or did not pass the exam will receive a certificate of attendance. The rest of us will receive a certificate of competence.

So I suppose in some way or form today is a 'happy' day, despite the fact that it's very difficult to be happy right now. Jubba wanted to send me home yesterday. A colleague asked me how the baby is, so I told him. He then did the worst thing he could do...he hugged me. When I am biting back tears the worst thing you can do is comfort me, the floodgates just open up. Jubba happened to walk past and saw me in tears, hence wanting to send me home.

Sarah wonders if I don't feel the way I do because I can feel something from the baby that nobody else can feel because I am her mother. That got me to thinking. Since before we found out about the problems with Lorelei I've been experiencing a lot of pain right at the bottom of my back (where my spine would end) and I wonder now if my back doesn't hurt because her back hurts there, where they suspect she has a problem. Right in the beginning of my pregnancy I used to be standing still and my foot would suddenly give way under me. I know it sounds really weird...but maybe I'm experiencing the things that she is experiencing. Maybe I am feeling her pain.

It's a good thing you don't know where I live...or you would probably be sending the men in the white lab coats my way.

And another Monday

I received a call from the sonar specialist yesterday afternoon. She has made an appointment for me at Tygerberg Hospital next Monday. They have a special clinic on Mondays and she asked them to urgently fit me in. I will be seeing more than one doctor and they will collectively be looking at the scans to help us gain clarity on the questions we have.

Tygerberg is a government hospital. We'll most likely be sitting there for the majority of the day. She even told us to take food as we'll probably get hungry sitting there waiting (she is such a lovely woman). She said she reckons that we'll have enough information on Monday to make an informed decision. She said we shouldn't be frightened by how reception looks (probably very delapidated, neglected and dirty) as they have the best equipment and the doctors really know what they are doing. Tygerberg may have a reputation for being 'run down', but they also have a reputation for having very good doctors. It is also a teaching hospital. The specialist says she thinks she will be wasting our time if she looks again as she has already looked twice and she feels the situation can use a fresh set of eyes, so basically we are going for a second and possibly a third and fourth opinion. She also mentioned that the baby will be more developed (almost two weeks further along since the initial scans) and may be lying a better position for potential problems to be spotted. She wished us all the best and assured us she will stay updated through the other doctors. After Monday we'll contact our gynae and advise him whether or not we want to continue with the pregnancy.

Yesterday I was doing some research on club feet. I found the following link which describes procedures used to correct club feet: http://www.clubfeet.net/medical.php#operations.
The user comments there (not to mention the photos) scare me. There are people that were born with the condition which suffer with pain every day. One gentleman even had his legs amputated and says he is much happier now (he is 51). There are comments of much younger people suffering from the after effects of the condition and people that have had more than 10 surgeries. There are, of course, those that say they are happy and have 'achieved their dreams', but they are by far the minority. It makes me wonder if it would be wise to keep her, even if only her feet are affected as they are both severely deformed. There will be so much pain and suffering, whether or not the surgeries are successful (surgery is serious and terrible for anyone, not to mention a baby that doesn't understand the benefits of it).

This problem is very hard to deal with. I cannot drown my sorrows or light up and forget about my problems. I have to deal with all the emotions head on and sober. Whether or not we decide to terminate I want my daughter to have the best possible life. I don't want her to suffer intoxication in my womb, by my hand. I know it sounds silly, even if we decide to terminate. Some might ask what difference it makes. It makes a difference to me. I want her to be happy - even though she is probably going through a difficult time with me right now as I am very emotional at the moment.

I'm trying my best to relax and be calm for her for now. There is absolutely nothing I can do at the moment either way.

Another Monday

After how my last Monday went...I'm officially "Garfield" about Mondays. I am waiting for a call from the gynae. His receptionist said on Friday that they have received the results and report from the specialist and once he's looked over it she'll give me a call to schedule an appointment. She said she'll call me early Monday morning. She obviously doesn't start work as soon as I open my eyes, but I'm anxious for her call. Rudi is on standby as well.

I was a bit more optimistic over the weekend. Feeling better about things and less negative than I was on Friday, but we still have a decision to make.

Going to church yesterday was difficult. I had to duck out of church quickly to avoid the empathetic people who only mean well, but tend to make me burst into tears.

Coming in to work today was harder. I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm having an anxiety attack. The people that were informed have been respectfully quiet and haven't probed me. The people that don't know, however, have come up to me asking how I am and asking how baby is. If we decide to terminate I think I'll request a departmental meeting while I'm not here to avoid the questions afterwards.

Hold thumbs that the gynae calls soon and that he sees us today.

Test Results

The doctor called with the test results for the 'short' amnio. The test results have come back normal. This still leaves so many unanswered questions. To quote the specialist 'there are too many loose ends'. The 'long' amnio tests take 3 and a half weeks by which time it would be too late to decide whether we are going to terminate.

I've had a lot of time to mince this over in my head and I really feel it would be unfair towards Lorelei to bring her into this world with so much of a disadvantage. Neither Rudi or I could quit our jobs to look after her and I will most certainly not put her in a home. Besides the club feet there is still the question of her spine, her head and her bowel that are abnormal on the scan.

If we could be guaranteed that only her feet are a problem there would not have been a choice to make.

Rudi still remains positive and hopeful. I feel that we should let Lorelei go. It breaks my heart and my soul is bleeding for my daughter. The gynae will only see us on Monday. I wake up every morning crying and feeling hopeless. I really just want this all to be over.

Lorelei

I want to give my baby her name. I want her to have it no matter what happens. It was her name from the second we chose it for her and I will not take it away from her. We were always certain on what her name would be if it turned out to be a girl. We were stuck on a boys name, but it seems that turned out the way it should have. At least something did.

She will always be our first daughter, our little girl and her name shall be hers and hers alone. I always wanted to call my daughter Lorelei.

I forgot to mention yesterday that she yawned on the scan. It was so cute. I just wanted to burst into tears all over again.

I've calmed down a lot since Monday. Following a path of acceptance. I still feel completely powerless. Rudi is alot more hopeful than me. I don't know how he stays so positive. We fought last night. I started to cry...after containing myself for a large part of the day and he became impatient with me. He cannot understand why I am so emotional when not much is certain. I cannot understand how he is not crying when things are uncertain. I had to remind him that I'm not only upset, but that I am still pregnant and my hormones are still raging inside of me. I told him that he needs to be supportive whether I scream, cry or bang my head against the wall. He needs to understand that I can't just 'relax' until I know better. I need an outlet. I need him to be there for me when I need an outlet.

Ingrid and Andre are a couple in our church who have a down syndrome daughter. They made headlines at some point when they sued the medical profession for not allowing them to have their daughter have a hysterectomy. Their daughter Kelly used to go through a terrible time every month when she got her period. She used to become hysterical, not understanding what was happening to her. The medical profession didn't feel that her mother had the right to take away her right to have a child. Ingrid and Andre eventually won the court case. They truly are amazing people. They are every day heroes. I admire them a lot. My grandfather is very close with them and asked Ingrid to give me a call yesterday.

We chatted for a while. She asked me questions about what they found in the scan and when I was going for the amniocentesis. She has a good idea of what I am going through even though it's not exactly the same. She told me not to think 'big' thoughts right now. Not to think further than today. She said we shouldn't try and think about the outcome or what is going to happen since nobody can predict that. She says she had to learn to take things one day at a time and before she knew it she'd made it through the day, the week, the month. She said we need to appreciate every day that we have with our daughter now. We must just be grateful that we have another day with her, whether it be the one of many or not. She also said I could call her any time of the day or night if I need to talk. She also said she get the downs syndrome foundation to give me a call since they have qualified counsellors that deal with any type of pregnancy complications or problems. She also said that Rudi and I will make the right decision when the time came and that we would make peace with it. She didn't try to force her decision onto me or try to make it more difficult for me to think about.

It really helps to have people around you to support you. Friday is going to be another tough day. Either we'll have an answer - which will be a bad thing or we won't have an answer, which will also be a bad thing.

We'll have to keep a close eye on our girl, Lorelei.