Friday, 23 January 2009

Failures

I’ve been having a really tough week. Every single day this week I have sat at my desk crying at work. It’s embarrassing to say the least. My colleagues have been good at leaving me alone and not plaguing me with questions, which is really how I prefer it. The more attention I am paid when I feel like this, the worse it makes me feel. Right now I can’t blame these feelings and this state of being on hormones, because it isn’t the time for me to be hormonal. I have no explanation for my anger and sadness this week in particular, it just is what it is. The more I think or talk about it the more agitated I become. I’m so sick of feeling this way. I’m so sick of the waterworks exploding continuously. I think at some time is was ingrained into me that crying is a sign of weakness and now I feel like I’m being weak. I gave myself permission to cry as much as I needed to before, but it seems like everything comes with an expiry date.

This isn’t what I intended to blog about today though. I wanted to blog about my previous weight loss attempts and how they went.

The first time I seriously wanted to lose weight the reason I embarked on the mission was because My Evil Mother was doing it and she was dangerously close to my weight. I couldn’t stand that as she was always much bigger than me and how embarrassing would it be if you’re fatter than your mom? At least your mom has had a baby.

SureSlim

I can’t even remember what year I did this in. I lost 13kg in 6 weeks. It was amazing! I was the lightest at that point that I had ever been in my life. I felt incredible. I had energy, I could cross my legs comfortably and I looked really good. I was also only about 10kg away from my goal weight at the time.

How did it end? I went shopping for clothes and I didn’t fit into a pair of jeans that I wanted to buy. We were having coffee at a coffee shop afterward. My packet with my next-size-up jeans was lying next to me. I was so upset I burst into tears and ordered a slice of chocolate cake. Out the window it went. I tried to climb onto this band wagon many times afterwards, but it was just too difficult. Hats off to anyone who can do this, but I cannot torture myself, no matter how well it works.

Atkins

Carbs are definitely my problem, the blood tests SureSlim did for me were testament to that. I lost 8kg in about 3 months with Atkins. I cannot live forever without a slice of bread or some popcorn though. Out the window went that one.

Weight Watchers

I did weight watchers back in 2005 for about 4 months (This was my last attempt at weight loss – sheesh it’s long ago). I lost about 6kg. I was losing something ridiculous like 400g a week (which is the average apparently) and I just could not bear it! I got so frustrated I threw that one out the window too. Weight Watchers is fairly easy as you can really eat whatever you want, but I think the lack of structure combined with my lack of discipline was eventually my downfall.

I thought after that I would never ever try to lose weight again. I was stupid to think that though. Surely I must have known I would NEED to lose weight at some point for health reasons. Luckily it hasn’t reached that point yet – but it’s fairly close. I’m already high risk to all sorts of horrible ailments.

Let’s hope it is different this time and that having Rudi’s support will help me get there. Only 5kg. That’s it. That’s all I’m taking on.

We’re going to the movies tonight to watch Saw V and I’m having the biggest popcorn they have for the last time in a little while. I’m not going to deprive myself for the rest of my life, but I’m going to be good most of the time. That I can manage.

2 comments:

Wenchy said...

Firstly... it is still early days. Cry if you want to. Come on babe, think about it.... your child died... fuck if that is not a reason to cry and feel like utter crap for no 'good' reason I don't know what is. CRY IF YOU WANT TO CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weight loss... I can identify with all you have written. I think at the end of the day it is all about excercising more and eating less.

Roxanne said...

I agree with Wenchy - you have gone through a very hectic loss, and you can't put a time-line on grief. You need to be a bit easier on yourself and allow yourself to grieve... no matter how long it takes.

It feels like crying is a weakness, but it's actually not - you are dealing with things, which takes courage. Just take it a second at a time, and be kind to yourself for as long as you need to be.

As for the weight thing, I've also been down that road many times. When I started getting hectically into Muaythai I was training almost every day, and eating properly, and I lost loads of weight. The problem is, as soon as I stopped my hectic schedule, it all fell apart and I ended up carrying more weight than before.

Now, I have to force myself to exercise (mostly I can manage a few runs and sessions on my exercise bike) and I have to watch what I eat. It's slow and I get frustrated every time I look in the mirror or try on something I haven't worn in a while, but I know that if I just keep at it, eventually it will start coming right.

Again, we need to learn to be kinder to ourselves and not be so hard on ourselves. It's hard, but you have it in you! :-)