No Pressure Over Cappucino

Enough is enough. I've had it with all of this.

No more ovulation calendars, microscopes and calculators. No more avoiding certain medication for weeks because I *might* be pregnant. No more nervous anticipation of my cycle. No more plotting, planning and having lack lustre sexy time. No more cutting back on drinking or having fun because there is a miniscule chance of me being pregnant. No more resenting other pregnant women. No more jealousy. Who am I to be jealous? I have very little idea of what these people have been through to have their child. Who am I to feel like I deserve it more than anyone else? No more.

I am putting way too much pressure on myself (and Rudi) to get pregnant. Sure it feels like there is a hole in our life now that was meant to be filled. Sure my grandfather is out of his skin with excitement and prays every day that we get pregnant. There are many people hoping and praying for us (thank you), but the pressure is soul crushing. The expectations are high and the disappointment is shattering.

It hit me very hard this month. I really thought this was our month. I even thought I had symptoms, but alas. It was not so.

Through all this drama and struggle I have at least discovered that I feel ready to have a baby. That is something I never thought I would be ready for. Now I don't need to try and prevent pregnancy because it will be a joyous occasion when it happens, like it should have been the first time.

If I am not pregnant by the end of the year I'll make an appointment with my gynae and ask him if he has something to help me along, but until then, no pressure.

Now all of this is easy to say, I just need to stick to it and put it out of my mind. My life cannot stop until I am pregnant. My life cannot revolve around getting pregnant. I don't think it should be so difficult. I'm not saying I don't want a baby. I do, I really do. I just don't want this stress, pressure and these expectations making me feel like a failure month after month.

I'm sad that things had to turn out this way. I'm disappointed that I didn't fall pregnant before I reached this point, but so be it.

I don't want to hear 'It will happen when the time is right' or 'It will happen when it is meant to be'. It will happen, I know this. When it will happen is something I clearly have no control over.

So right now I can still live my life with much less responsibility than a parent has and that isn't too bad, now is it?

I need to love me. I need to keep reminding myself to love me, because I forget.

Grief

I wonder when it will stop hurting. I'm at a point now where I cannot look at baby things or toys or babies. On Saturday (when everything sunk in) Rudi took me to a 'fun day' type thing that they were having near where we live. I was already upset and then I saw a tiny pair of pink baby shoes with a butterfly embroidered on them in white. I just couldn't handle it. Suddenly everywhere I looked there were babies and toys and nappies...

I just opened the parenting community site and the first thing that came up was picture of one of my pregnant friend's belly and I had to click away. I had to close it. I couldn't look anymore...I couldn't go and look at the forums (which was my original intention), I had to close it immediately.

This has got to go away. I have more than one pregnant friend at the moment (3 that I see regularly - two of these at work) and I cannot be weird with them. I cannot be angry with them...I cannot resent them. I am endlessly envious of them and their healthy babies...but none of this is their fault. I might need to see someone or speak to someone. There is enormous online support (the parenting community were extremely supportive and warm)...perhaps I should find an online community that deals exclusively with grief so that I do not stumble upon the other things that I cannot face right now.

I have to head back to work on Monday. I'm not looking forward to facing the world. I've kind of holed myself up and surrounded myself with family and close friends. I've got to be OK. I can't break. I need to be OK.