Voting, TV, Death and Birth

So. Let's start with some happy news before we get to the grim stuff.

Yesterday I voted in our national and provincial elections. Afterwards I went to claim a free coffee from Wimpy (a chain restaurant in South Africa) after producing my inked thumb:



After having breakfast at the Wimpy we walked around the mall a while and Rudi dragged me to go and look at the flat screen TV's *again*. He really has been nagging for one for a long, long time. There were a number of 'Election Day Specials' and we found one that I was willing to get!

You'll remember our TV used to look like this:



Now it looks like this:



Despite digging my heels in about buying such a big TV that we don't *need*, I must say I quite like it. I sat putting the batteries (which were included) into the remote and tuning all the channels in. I wiped it with the special cloth which was provided to remove Rudi's fingerprints after he set it up. I connected the media player to start watching...I'm like an excited kid with a new toy. Perhaps even more so than Rudi.

Now to slightly worse news. Work isn't getting any better. I haven't been able to read blogs, properly read mail...or do anything that isn't work for a few weeks now. I've been working flat out, no lunch breaks. My whole team has. I feel quite disconnected with the outside world while I'm at work - aside from the little bit of twitter I get in in the morning while the work is being divided up. So if I'm scarce or I don't respond to your e-mail or comment on your blog - you know why. Work will probably be like this till the end of May. Heaven forbid, but it's possible.

Now for the worst news. My grandfather went to go and see his doctor. There are still 4 spots of cancer on his liver, which they can remove if he undergoes a major operation. They also took an x-ray of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread there. If the cancer has spread to his lungs there is nothing they can do for him and he has 6 months to a year to live. The doctor said he could always go for another 2 rounds of chemo - but my grandfather would much rather die. He tries to make light of it and makes jokes about it, but I am really hurt. Leebeesa and I were talking about it this morning. She reckons he is probably trying to make it easier for us by pretending he is OK with it, or that he is ready. He is only 69 (in June). That is neither old nor young. He keeps saying "It's OK I can't wait to see little Jimmy" (he calls James that). Yesterday I told him he better stick around because I want him to meet James' brother or sister. Even if I am pregnant at this very minute and he only makes it to 6 months it will be too late.

My grandfather has always wanted to have a great grandchild. I want to give him one, but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself. If you have been reading my blog you will know how I feel about trying to conceive right now. It's so difficult and so emotionally draining. I'm sure many women who have been through infertility or a loss will understand that.

All that being said, it has not yet been confirmed that the cancer has spread to his lungs. I called him earlier to find out if he had hear and he had not. He is hoping for no phone call as this would imply that everything is OK. I am praying for no phone call myself (goes without saying).

Leebeesa has recommended we start trying again, because you never know what is going to happen. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Emotionally it started becoming really difficult for me. It also put a strain on my relationship with Rudi. He doesn't understand my emotions and seems oblivious to the fact that I feel like a failure each month we try (so hard) and don't conceive. He is quite happy to 'go with the flow' and wait.

Stuck.

Mike

Sarah called us last night. The man who lived next door to us for two years (until very recently) passed away. It was such a shock. They found him in his flat, cold. Nobody knows how it happened or how long he had been that way. I know that he suffered from diabetes or something and that he had passed out for a day or two before and that the guy who lived across the road from us had found him unconscious. He lived alone. I saw him just last Friday. He looked happy and as healthy as he always did. He may have been around 50. He was talking about how he was spending time at his brother's house on weekends and how much he had been enjoying it.

This blog post goes out to you, Mike. May you rest in peace.

Collecting Memories

I said I'd discuss the thing that I've been doing.

I've been...collecting memories of my grandfather.

I love both my grandparents dearly, but I realise that sometime in my lifetime they won't be there anymore. Just thinking about it makes my guts knot up.

I have been deliberately building up momentos and doing things with them to build up a store of comforting things I can refer to when they are no longer here.

For instance, my grandfather loves buying me books. He bought me a book for my birthday last year with quotations. He asked if he could read it first and I let him because he'd also purchased another book for me to read in the meantime. I asked him to make notes in the margins and mark the quotations he liked. Looking back on this I will be able to reflect his thoughts on things when he is no longer here.

Is it wrong to plan for the day people are no longer here? Is it wrong to consciously think of this? Am I compromising my time with them now? I don't think so. I'm actually increasing the frequencies of my visits with them and making sure they are filled with good memories. I know this makes them happy.

I suppose I'm really just asking if I'm nuts.