Voting, TV, Death and Birth

So. Let's start with some happy news before we get to the grim stuff.

Yesterday I voted in our national and provincial elections. Afterwards I went to claim a free coffee from Wimpy (a chain restaurant in South Africa) after producing my inked thumb:



After having breakfast at the Wimpy we walked around the mall a while and Rudi dragged me to go and look at the flat screen TV's *again*. He really has been nagging for one for a long, long time. There were a number of 'Election Day Specials' and we found one that I was willing to get!

You'll remember our TV used to look like this:



Now it looks like this:



Despite digging my heels in about buying such a big TV that we don't *need*, I must say I quite like it. I sat putting the batteries (which were included) into the remote and tuning all the channels in. I wiped it with the special cloth which was provided to remove Rudi's fingerprints after he set it up. I connected the media player to start watching...I'm like an excited kid with a new toy. Perhaps even more so than Rudi.

Now to slightly worse news. Work isn't getting any better. I haven't been able to read blogs, properly read mail...or do anything that isn't work for a few weeks now. I've been working flat out, no lunch breaks. My whole team has. I feel quite disconnected with the outside world while I'm at work - aside from the little bit of twitter I get in in the morning while the work is being divided up. So if I'm scarce or I don't respond to your e-mail or comment on your blog - you know why. Work will probably be like this till the end of May. Heaven forbid, but it's possible.

Now for the worst news. My grandfather went to go and see his doctor. There are still 4 spots of cancer on his liver, which they can remove if he undergoes a major operation. They also took an x-ray of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread there. If the cancer has spread to his lungs there is nothing they can do for him and he has 6 months to a year to live. The doctor said he could always go for another 2 rounds of chemo - but my grandfather would much rather die. He tries to make light of it and makes jokes about it, but I am really hurt. Leebeesa and I were talking about it this morning. She reckons he is probably trying to make it easier for us by pretending he is OK with it, or that he is ready. He is only 69 (in June). That is neither old nor young. He keeps saying "It's OK I can't wait to see little Jimmy" (he calls James that). Yesterday I told him he better stick around because I want him to meet James' brother or sister. Even if I am pregnant at this very minute and he only makes it to 6 months it will be too late.

My grandfather has always wanted to have a great grandchild. I want to give him one, but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself. If you have been reading my blog you will know how I feel about trying to conceive right now. It's so difficult and so emotionally draining. I'm sure many women who have been through infertility or a loss will understand that.

All that being said, it has not yet been confirmed that the cancer has spread to his lungs. I called him earlier to find out if he had hear and he had not. He is hoping for no phone call as this would imply that everything is OK. I am praying for no phone call myself (goes without saying).

Leebeesa has recommended we start trying again, because you never know what is going to happen. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Emotionally it started becoming really difficult for me. It also put a strain on my relationship with Rudi. He doesn't understand my emotions and seems oblivious to the fact that I feel like a failure each month we try (so hard) and don't conceive. He is quite happy to 'go with the flow' and wait.

Stuck.

Weekend and Politics

Our weekend wasn't too bad. Had a braai on Friday night. Everyone had a good time it seemed. I drank an entire bottle of red wine, but seemed to be the only sober person there.

On Saturday we had a nice lie in. Slept till 10am - something we're almost incapable of doing under normal circumstances. I'm sure the late night on Saturday night contributed. Saturday was quite a relaxed day, until my grandfather called and asked us to come over. So we had to peel ourselves off the couch, shower, get dressed and everything. What a mission. Especially since winter seemed to arrive this weekend and it was quite chilly.

Sunday morning was church as usual. Rudi couldn't be bothered and was still under the covers when I got home. I decided to take off my fancy clothes and creep in with him. What a pleasure. Yesterday was Rudi's parents 40th wedding anniversary so we went to a restaurant called The Quarter Deck in Grand West Casino. The outside of the restaurant is shaped like the deck of a ship - hence the name. They have a buffet lunch for R150.00 a head. I don't think it's really worth the money for me, but Rudi makes up for it. He had quite a few plates of mussels and prawns. I cannot tell you whether or not the seafood is nice (as I don't eat seafood), but you could definitely get your money's worth. As we didn't have any money to go Rudi's parents paid for us. That was very sweet of them.

Turns out my overtime worked has not been approved since March. I have over 20 hours worth of overtime that I should have gotten the end of April. Fail. Now I'll have to wait for it till the end of May. I was really looking forward to having some extra money at the end of this month, perhaps to have my hair done, but it seems that is not going to happen. May is a bonus month for us, so I will have over enough money next month anyway - and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get screwed on tax. Fortunately we receive our annual increase this month and that might just help a little bit (I hope).

Wednesday this week is election day in South Africa. I can't wait to go and make my X. It's the first time I have ever registered to vote (yeah, I'm bad, I know) and it's going to be a very exciting election. I am normally apathetic towards politics, but South African citizens have an opportunity in this election to change the country. I certainly hope that the result of this election will be positive for South Africa and that a new era of politics will begin...

Relaxed

I had a relaxed weekend, besides the working part of course. I worked until almost 2PM on Saturday and almost 1pm on Sunday (from 8am). It's not as bad as having to work full day on a weekend, but apparently that might be in the cards...Usually when working a weekend I leave before my colleague does. I simply manage to work faster. We've just been told we have to leave at the same time and help the lagging colleague out if they're not done. I feel that's a tad unfair. Why should I do more work (we split the work evenly) than someone else just because I'm more efficient? *sigh* It seems to be a trend lately. Getting 'punished' for working hard. Or rather having to work harder because you work so hard (and so well) already.

We ended up not going to Fence's party on Saturday. Before you think I was the culprit, Rudi actually decided not to go. Fence was supposed to call him on Saturday and he never did. It's not the first time Fence has faded on him. Rudi invited him fishing last Saturday and he said he had to work, but they should definitely call him when they get back so he can join them for a braai. They tried calling him repeatedly and he never answered or bothered to return the call or send a message. Rudi is quite put off by this fickleness.

So apart from the braai on Friday night we had a relaxed two days at home. My media player is completely busted. I'm so annoyed. No picture comes up on the TV. Luckily the hard drive still picks up when plugged into the laptop, so I haven't lost any information. We checked the cables and the DVD player works with the same cable, so it must be something inside the media player itself. Rudi opened it up and had a look, there are no obvious blow outs, burns or circuits that look busted. Guess we'll have to take it in and have someone look at it. I just hope it doesn't cost the earth. I'm kind of broke right now. Doctor's bills are really killing me.

If anyone was wondering, we switched off for Earth Hour on Saturday night. I could see dark patches in the lights from our balcony. I only saw one house with it's lights on in our complex. I must say that I heard quite a few car alarms go off just after 20:30. They did not switch off the street lights in our complex though, so it was still quite well lit. I saw on the news last night that 400 Mega Watts of electricity were saved in South Africa during Earth Hour. That sounds like a lot and even though a lot of people were very negative about Earth Hour, I think it did well to raise awareness for global warming.

After relaxing the weekend I feel refreshed and ready for the week. I suppose I will start getting tired again around Wednesday. It's not easy working 12 consecutive days.

Dark clouds and illness

I spent the entire day alone yesterday for the first time since we found out that there was something wrong with our baby. It wasn't easy. I broke down at some point and felt like the walls were closing in. I wanted to run. Instead I took a shower, washed and dried my hair. I still didn't feel better, but fell asleep. Sleep is a wonderful escape. Now that my hormones are not going crazy I'm not dreaming so much anymore. I'm sure the sleeping pills the doctor gave me aren't hurting either.

I think I have a cold or the flu or something. My throat has been extremely sore since Sunday, I've been coughing, my ears are blocked and sore and my nose is blocked. Luckily I am already booked off work, but I wish that could focus this time on mourning and grieving instead of focusing on all these physical issues. Maybe my emotions are manifesting themselves physically, since the gravity of everything hit me on Saturday for the first time. I know that happens with Rudi.

Our church is having a family day at Ratanga Junction on Saturday. Rudi has never been and begged me to get tickets. He wanted to go while he was on leave at the end of the year and I would have had to stay home. I'm pretty sure pregnant ladies aren't allowed to go on all those rides...but now I can go with him. I'm just hoping that I feel better by that time and that I'm not still sick.

My cousin, Carmie arrives from London on Saturday for her yearly visit home. I'm excited to see her. While she was in South Africa we didn't see much of each other, but somehow since she's left to live and work overseas I want to see more of her. Always wanting what I can't have I guess. My goodness I'm dying for something sweet to eat...

I better start getting ready. My grandfather has gone for his chemo drip again today and he's picking me up on his way home. He's been dreading it for days. I wish there was something I could do to help him feel better. I suppose I can only spend time with him and let him know I'm there if he needs me <3

Speaking of love, I love my husband now more than I ever have. This whole thing has brought us closer together and opened up a new level of communication for us. I suppose every cloud has a silver lining.