Kak day

Ugh. Working in that crappy portfolio again today. When I am I just feel like saying FML. I positively hate it and have had more than one person shout at me today already. SO frustrating. I would much rather just work in my own portfolio, but we take turns serving our time in this one. It's my turn.

To top it off I'm sick. For the past few days I've had a cold and I feel yucky. The worst part for me is the blocked nose. It KILLS me. I can't stand not being able to breathe properly. I'm coping quite well without medication. Last month when I was sick I spent R2000.00 on doctor's appointments and medication. I can't afford to deplete my medical aid anymore, especially if I get pregnant this year I will need what I have left. Poor Rudi hasn't even been considered into the equation.

He said the sweetest thing yesterday. They were talking about 'The Golden Ratio' on Oprah last night and how they measured the proportions of celebrities faces to calculate their ratio. The highest scoring celebrity was Brad Pitt, he scored over 9. Angelina Jolie scored between 7 and 8. I thought aloud and said 'I wonder what mine would be' and he turned around without missing a beat and said '9.9'. LOL. Sweet of him. Obviously not true, but sweet. Nobody has ever scored a perfect 10. I suppose he took that into consideration when he bestowed his compliment.

Ugh. I better get done with the work I have to do for today. FML.

Exhausted

I am exhausted, tired beyond belief. My last 12 consecutive days of work has completely messed me up. I could hardly lift myself out of bed this morning. I rested all weekend. We only went out on Friday night and we were in bed by 11. I feel like a zombie. I need some leave, but don’t want to waste leave.

Isn’t leave intended for those who need a break though? I’ve put in leave for next Monday. I’m working next weekend so with leave on Monday I’ll be working 11 consecutive days instead of 12. Not sure if that will help much.

I’ve pleaded with my team that we change our weekend roster so that we don’t work so many consecutive days, but changing this will mean working weekends more often so they kick against it. Also there are rumours of shifts coming back into our environment, so their latest argument was that we should continue to work this way to get as many weekends off as possible.

I see their point. I really do…but I don’t know if I can keep it up. Management has nothing to do with the way our weekends are scheduled and I suppose they shouldn’t turn a blind eye…but this is what my team has decided and I used to be able to do it. I must be getting OLD.

I’m going to bed at 7 tonight. Crap. I can’t. Survivor is on. Sherbet.

Lent For Liam - Paypal

The Paypal account for Lent for Liam has been set up. I've never used Paypal so I'm not sure how it works, but the e-mail address supplied was ljcadger@gmail.com and the site is of course https://www.paypal.com/za.

I've been a bad blogger. I know. I've just been SO busy working. They're now measuring our efficiency (read: productivity) per hour so trying to blog takes a chunk out of your hour and you're called in and questioned as to why you attended to less queries in that particular hour. I know. Ridiculous. It was so bad on Friday we had to tell Jubba when we were going to pee. It's worse than being in school!

Needless to say it has been frustrating! Yesterday I was supposed to be at work at 7AM. I only opened my eyes at 7AM. Working the entire weekend and again today (which is a public holiday in South Africa) has left me tired and grumpy! Also, every day I go in there is a chance I'll be sent over to that portfolio I hate as they constantly need bailing out and our team seems to be the ones constantly doing it. Every day they calculate how many people we need (based on how many queries we can handle per hour and how many queries there are ready to be dealt with) and then take the rest of the staff and move them over to that portfolio.

Perhaps I should explain why I don't like working in this portfolio. Basically the customers are different to the ones we deal with in our portfolio, often they spend large amounts of money with the company and thus have a sense of entitlement. More often than not the feedback we have to give these customers is not favourable and they end up crapping all over you. They also start asking really technical questions and since my colleagues and I don't work with these queries every day, sometimes we have to make things up, or ask the customer to hold while we ask someone else. Sounding incompetent much? I can't really explain the full extent of it without perhaps revealing more than I should about The Company, so I'll leave it at that.

I was dreading have to work alone in my portfolio today. I thought I would be stuck there all bloody day. Surprisingly it didn't take all day. I left just before 1PM. Awesome!

Right now I feel like I could really do with a nap, but I'll probably just lie under the covers and watch NCIS. The sun is out, but it's still chilly. I'm not fooled by the winter sun...Rudi has gone off to visit Lindor...so I think some NCIS will be a good way to pass the time.

*YAWN*

In the past few days I have considered starting a separate blog, but have put the idea to bed. I can barely cope with regularly blogging here...I couldn't cope with two. I could perhaps write a guest entry on another blog, but not a daily blog as the second one would be. How on earth does Angel manage her 3 blogs?! So I've decided to keep it at just one blog.

My working weekend is this weekend, plus I'm working the public holiday (alone!) next week. So I'll probably be stuck at work all day on Tuesday :( SUCK. Rudi was rubbing his hands together at the prospect of the overtime I'll be earning...but I'm TIRED. Dammit!

I feel like I need a break...yes I know we were just away...but I dream of being a lady of leisure. Wouldn't that be nice?

By the way...I didn't gain any weight this week. Completely slipped my mind to mention it.

My Evil Mother and Grandfather updates

So. Great news! My grandfather's colon is cancer free. He is so elated by this news that he is even considering another round of chemo instead of the operation on his liver. The chemo will make him very ill, but he feels he will still be able to work when he is having chemo whereas he will be off work for a full month if he has the operation to remove the cancer from his liver. He'll be seeing a specialist in about a week to discuss his options and take things from there.

I took them out to dinner last night to celebrate his health, their 47 year wedding anniversary, his birthday (which is on the 13th of June) and to thank him for looking after Amber while we were away. We had a nice quiet dinner. It was lovely.

My Evil Mother is up to her old tricks. Her husband let it slip that my aunt could afford to 'lose her pension' as she works from home. Just goes to show what they must have been scheming about. My aunt's pension, which she worked hard for. My Evil Mother is still living with my aunt and uncle, although her husband was kicked out after one too many drunken tantrums at all hours of the morning. She tried to get him back in with promises of money (seeing as how they don't pay rent or contribute in any way) and some luxury food items. Luckily, for once, my uncle stood firm and kept by his decision. My Evil Mother has been hell to live with ever since. Rudi could not believe the way My Evil Mother spoke to my uncle in his own house. If My Evil Mother is really that desperate to be with her husband, then she should go and stay with him and his mother. My Evil Mother has told us horror stories of how his mother is evil and how she is an alcoholic. I think the actual story is that she is much more demanding about incoming contributions and them pulling their weight than my aunt and uncle are.

My Evil Mother *loves* throwing our religion/beliefs in our faces. She'll often say things like 'God doesn't sleep' - she seems totally oblivious to the fact that the same applies to her. Sometimes it's funny, but for people like my grandfather and my uncle who both hold ministries within the church the guilt trip she takes them along for is often effective. Last Wednesday in church she went as far as to keep her communion wafer and to shove it in my uncle's hand after church saying 'You need it more than I do'. I cracked up when I heard this. I'm actually quite sure my uncle - who was giving her a lift home from church at the time, the selfish bastard - might have cracked up also. He has a good sense of humour. My grandparents on the other hand, didn't think it was funny.

It is beyond me that My Evil Mother is still a free woman. The amount of fraud she has committed...and I'm only aware of a portion of it...must be substantial. Her ethics have always come in to question where she was employed. Just recently she went to work for a company. She had been there for less than a week and was given the company credit card to buy coffee, tea and a few other office supplies. She ended up spending R2500.00 and buying clothes and shoes for her husband. WHO DOES THAT?!

Did I ever tell you that she faked her suicide once because I refused to draw R500.00 and 'lend' it to her? This was before my eyes opened to her ways and I was in a total panic. I even phoned the police. She came home with a total BS story that didn't even make sense about how she had parked her car on the side of one of the national roads and put a pipe from the exhaust into the window (nothing blocking the open gaps in the window to prevent ventilation - DUH), she also claimed the pipe and everything were already in the car. Some 'valiant' man pulled over, took her to hospital and paid the bill apparently. What a load of bull.

Anyway...

I'm working in another portfolio today. I hate this portfolio. More often than not the feedback I have to give customers is negative and they usually get angry. It's not a nice way to spend a day. I'm the only one in my team who hasn't had a turn yet, so by default I have to go over today. Suck!

+1kg

Eina. Gained one. I'm not surprised as we ate (and drank) well the weekend. Trying to face my water today, if nothing else!

No time to blog. Work is a load of crap. I'm hating it. They're implementing all sorts of new rules and stuff. Basically making us work harder and justifying it by saying we've been working at this pace for a while now. Out of desperation! Idiots.

Will have to start writing my blog from home it seems.

Mother's Day

So Sunday would have been/is my first Mother’s Day. It will be another difficult day. Do they never end? I guess not. Rudi said something about going to his mother’s house for a pot roast or something to celebrate. I suppose I would have objected if James was still with us. I would have wanted my very own Mother’s Day with my new baby. I would have wanted to spend it with our small little family. Our new family.

That dream didn’t pan out. Better luck next time. Pffft.

Sarah cut my hair for me on Tuesday…a valiant effort, but not 100% right. I have made a hair appointment for Saturday to have my colour evened out and a proper haircut. I’ve already spent over R330 on colour alone and now the hair appointment is going to cost me another R350. I should have gone to the hairdresser in the first place. If I ever mention trying to colour my hair again – slap me and tell me to make an appointment with the hairdresser.

Can’t wait to see what we’re getting from work for Mother’s Day. There are piles of boxes waiting to be unpacked…obviously they are keeping us guessing. All the women in the company get something and on Father’s Day all the men get something…so at least I won’t be left out of that.

Work is still hectic. I anticipate for the pace to continue until the end of the month. The promotion that has been causing all the problems will then be over and we can hopefully breathe again. I better go and earn my salary.

Voting, TV, Death and Birth

So. Let's start with some happy news before we get to the grim stuff.

Yesterday I voted in our national and provincial elections. Afterwards I went to claim a free coffee from Wimpy (a chain restaurant in South Africa) after producing my inked thumb:



After having breakfast at the Wimpy we walked around the mall a while and Rudi dragged me to go and look at the flat screen TV's *again*. He really has been nagging for one for a long, long time. There were a number of 'Election Day Specials' and we found one that I was willing to get!

You'll remember our TV used to look like this:



Now it looks like this:



Despite digging my heels in about buying such a big TV that we don't *need*, I must say I quite like it. I sat putting the batteries (which were included) into the remote and tuning all the channels in. I wiped it with the special cloth which was provided to remove Rudi's fingerprints after he set it up. I connected the media player to start watching...I'm like an excited kid with a new toy. Perhaps even more so than Rudi.

Now to slightly worse news. Work isn't getting any better. I haven't been able to read blogs, properly read mail...or do anything that isn't work for a few weeks now. I've been working flat out, no lunch breaks. My whole team has. I feel quite disconnected with the outside world while I'm at work - aside from the little bit of twitter I get in in the morning while the work is being divided up. So if I'm scarce or I don't respond to your e-mail or comment on your blog - you know why. Work will probably be like this till the end of May. Heaven forbid, but it's possible.

Now for the worst news. My grandfather went to go and see his doctor. There are still 4 spots of cancer on his liver, which they can remove if he undergoes a major operation. They also took an x-ray of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread there. If the cancer has spread to his lungs there is nothing they can do for him and he has 6 months to a year to live. The doctor said he could always go for another 2 rounds of chemo - but my grandfather would much rather die. He tries to make light of it and makes jokes about it, but I am really hurt. Leebeesa and I were talking about it this morning. She reckons he is probably trying to make it easier for us by pretending he is OK with it, or that he is ready. He is only 69 (in June). That is neither old nor young. He keeps saying "It's OK I can't wait to see little Jimmy" (he calls James that). Yesterday I told him he better stick around because I want him to meet James' brother or sister. Even if I am pregnant at this very minute and he only makes it to 6 months it will be too late.

My grandfather has always wanted to have a great grandchild. I want to give him one, but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself. If you have been reading my blog you will know how I feel about trying to conceive right now. It's so difficult and so emotionally draining. I'm sure many women who have been through infertility or a loss will understand that.

All that being said, it has not yet been confirmed that the cancer has spread to his lungs. I called him earlier to find out if he had hear and he had not. He is hoping for no phone call as this would imply that everything is OK. I am praying for no phone call myself (goes without saying).

Leebeesa has recommended we start trying again, because you never know what is going to happen. I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Emotionally it started becoming really difficult for me. It also put a strain on my relationship with Rudi. He doesn't understand my emotions and seems oblivious to the fact that I feel like a failure each month we try (so hard) and don't conceive. He is quite happy to 'go with the flow' and wait.

Stuck.

I'm still alive!

Sjoe. Time for a proper entry.

Work this past week has been utter hell. It has been the most stressful week I have ever had while working for The Company and I've been there for almost nine years. That says a lot. I'm quite annoyed that a new product was launched and that it doesn't quite work properly just yet. Just before Easter weekend. Are these guys nuts? Now I'll have to go in to work tomorrow to help out as we are inundated with queries that cannot be handled by skeleton staff alone, while engineering is probably spending the weekend sipping cocktails. I was so much looking forward to having a nice long weekend, but am now forced to go and assist the staff at work. They cannot be expected to cope alone.

On a different note I now believe that you can change your life by changing your thoughts. I have nearly convinced myself that I no longer want to get pregnant. By continuously telling myself this, I am moving forward much more quickly than I could have hoped. Don't get me wrong, my thoughts are often plagued with it and I've been tempted more than once to dig out my ovulation microscope 'just to check'. I've also had thoughts of getting pregnant this month, despite not trying. I wouldn't say I'm all the way there yet...but I certainly am getting there. I am really just enjoying my life and doing my best to be happy for everyone else. Oh. Speaking of which, another pregnancy announced. 3 newly pregnant women in my life. 3 pregnancies I'll have to watch develop. I certainly need to keep my thoughts positive...otherwise I might just go mad!

My grandfather and I should be going to take some photos in and around Franshoek tomorrow. I'll have to make a plan to upload some photos when we're done.

My Evil Mother invited herself over to our place after church. Apparently she's too scared to stay at my aunt's house alone while they go out because, and I quote, 'the predator' might come around. This is what she's taken to calling her husband of six months. He's been kicked out and taken back in countless times. She really does exhaust me. Anyway, I made it clear to her that she cannot just invite herself over, even if I had said that I'm not going anywhere. Of course then the emotional blackmail routing started and she huffed off saying 'It's fine'. When I arrived home I received a SMS (from my aunt's phone) that said 'Good 4 u, u 4th commandment follower'. For those of you that don't know, the fourth commandment says 'Honour thy father and thy mother'. I didn't bother to respond. What on earth did she think she was going to do here? Have tea and a chat while my aunt and uncle were out? Not likely.

I cannot honestly say I'll be able to blog next week, we'll have to see what the work week holds, but I pray for my own sanity that things start calming down. Immediately. I don't think I can make it through another week like last week. Short week or not, it was terrible. I also think I'm going to stop looking forward to things. I was so excited about the short week and the long weekend, but look how it turned out. Just like I was excited about the last gynae appointment I went to with James. If you don't get your hopes up, you can't be disappointed.

Oh. I'm seriously considering getting another tattoo. Chinese symbols spelling out 'James' (or should I say 'sounding out'). It's going to cost around R800...I've got some money saved...but it's something that can wait a while. Perhaps in November on the one year anniversary of his birth and death. I'll be finished paying off the doctor's bills by then as well.

I hope you all had a blessed Easter and that you did not pick up an ounce of weight from it :)