Mother's Day

So Sunday would have been/is my first Mother’s Day. It will be another difficult day. Do they never end? I guess not. Rudi said something about going to his mother’s house for a pot roast or something to celebrate. I suppose I would have objected if James was still with us. I would have wanted my very own Mother’s Day with my new baby. I would have wanted to spend it with our small little family. Our new family.

That dream didn’t pan out. Better luck next time. Pffft.

Sarah cut my hair for me on Tuesday…a valiant effort, but not 100% right. I have made a hair appointment for Saturday to have my colour evened out and a proper haircut. I’ve already spent over R330 on colour alone and now the hair appointment is going to cost me another R350. I should have gone to the hairdresser in the first place. If I ever mention trying to colour my hair again – slap me and tell me to make an appointment with the hairdresser.

Can’t wait to see what we’re getting from work for Mother’s Day. There are piles of boxes waiting to be unpacked…obviously they are keeping us guessing. All the women in the company get something and on Father’s Day all the men get something…so at least I won’t be left out of that.

Work is still hectic. I anticipate for the pace to continue until the end of the month. The promotion that has been causing all the problems will then be over and we can hopefully breathe again. I better go and earn my salary.

+/- 0kg

Apparently I need to exercise to lose weight. Go figure. I had an OK eating week last week which is probably why I didn't gain, but it seems I won't lose if I'm not walking either. I was sick. Give me a break!

For those of you that don't know, tomorrow our baby would have been born. It's also Rudi's birthday tomorrow. Not only that, two people that were pregnant along with me and due in early April are both giving birth tomorrow. It feels like everyone except me is having their baby tomorrow. FFS. Could they not have waited till next week? Or even Thursday? I suppose I cannot blame them. Babies come when they are ready. Although, both births are planned C-sections. There is also a good chance that our baby could have been with us already (estimated due dates are exactly that, estimations)...but that is something we will never know.

I took leave for Wednesday, anticipating it will be a difficult day for me, but I didn't realize that I would break down on Monday already. I sat crying at my desk yesterday until I finally decided to go home. Jubba and his line manager told me I could take time if I needed it and I need time now.

Wednesday is the last big day. The last chapter in the events that would have led to us having a baby. Rudi told me the other day he wants to celebrate James' birthday in some way each year. He also told me last year that we could celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day, even though we don't have a living baby. I suppose those days could be hard for me too, but luckily they occur on a weekend.

I'm at home again today. I didn't see the point of going into the office, just to have to come home again.

Rudi doesn't understand why I am still upset. Yesterday when he picked me up from work he said 'But his soul is with God now, why are you still sad?'. Men don't really get it, do they?

I have to pick myself up after this. I can't be stuck in this dark cloud forever.

By the way, the number I had for my father was a number for a company. My grandfather called them yesterday and they don't know who he is. I guess this journey continues.

What Makes a Mother?

I had a rough day yesterday. I spent a lot of time crying at my desk. At some point I went to the bathroom to try and cry it out, but ended up crying again when I got back to my desk anyway.

I think what made me break down was reading the poem below:

What makes a mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a mother"?
And I know I heard him say.

"A mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a mother,
When your baby is not with you"?

"Yes, you can", He replied
with confidence in his voice
"I give many woman babies,
when they leave is not their choice"

Some I send for a lifetime,
and other for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but theres no need to stay.

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then i saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your childs smile,
with all the other children and say..."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and i'm here".

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through,
And on the day that you come home,
They'll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on Earth may not realise,
You are a mother
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And know that you are the best one"

I found it on the Grief & Loss section of the Parenting Community. I went there to read other people's story and to share mine, but ended up so distraught I didn't post anything. I've written much about James on this blog, I'm sure he'll be remembered by many. I will post his story on the Grief & Loss section as well.

I can't wait to give him a brother or a sister! I know it won't happen immediately and that we will be blessed with another child when the time is right, but I'm impatient. Rudi was lying on my tummy last night and I couldn't help thinking that the baby would be kicking him in the face had he still been there. I'm probably also going to have a tough time dealing with the festive season coming up and other times like when I was supposed to go on maternity leave, my estimated due date (Rudi's birthday) and Mother's Day. A family member who lost her baby after carrying to term has recently given birth to another child. She tried to commit suicide twice after losing her baby and has said that conceiving again helped her with the pain. I know I cannot replace James and that I need to work through my grief, but it's hard to know where to begin, especially since I have never lost a loved one before *touch wood*

Here's to health and fertility!

The other episode

I had another episode on Saturday night that I forgot to blog about. I was watching TV and the Clicks (a chain store here in South Africa) played their Christmas advertisement. Clicks always have huge Mother's Day and Father's Day campaigns and advertisements and I was suddenly reminded of how much I was looking forward to celebrating my first Mother's Day. Rudi and I were sitting on the couch and I just suddenly started bawling. The poor man couldn't understand what on earth was wrong and I can understand his confusion. I <3 Christmas and I had just seen a very Christmassy advertisement.

I explained to him why I was upset and he said that there is no reason why she shouldn't still celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day. He said that there is no reason for us to forget. I know that many, if not all of the mommies on My Parenting Community will agree with him, although somehow it still feels weird.

I still don't consider myself a mother, even though I acknowledge, miss and love the baby that I had. I suppose my definition of a 'mother' is different from other people's. I suppose my definition of a 'parent' is someone with a living child. That is not necessarily correct. The dictionary says:

mother [muhth-er]

–noun 1. a female parent.
2. (often initial capital letter) one's female parent.
3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother.
4. a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent.

and the dictionary definition of parent:

parent [pair-uhnt, par-]

–noun 1. a father or a mother.
2. an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor.
3. a source, origin, or cause.
4. a protector or guardian.
5. Biology. any organism that produces or generates another.

That doesn't really clear it up. Mother's Day comes before Father's Day usually. Can't wait to see what Rudi will do. I hope it won't be like my birthday...perhaps breakfast in bed and a last minute present after asking me what I want on the day. Pffft.