Over

So I survived yesterday (as I suspected I would) and am still alive today.

I would like to thank the following people for the messages I received yesterday:

angel
@laurakim123
@thejacksonfiles
@leevanlog
@zola237
@lanajvr
Aldaz Heather
Solitaire
JaneW
Janice

and of course, Nellie <3

Plus all the ladies from the parenting community that conveyed their concern and support.

Thank you all for your messages, I really appreciate the prayers and love I have received.

Rudi loved his birthday present. I bought him a Shimano fishing reel. Apparently it's a very good kind and he'll never need another one (unless he throws it in the ocean with his rod). He was under the impression I did not buy him one at all. Usually he fishes out his gifts before the time. I finally had him fooled this year.

So today is 'move on' day. Today should also be kick myself under the bum day because I have not been walking and eating a load of rubbish. I need to remember to love myself and stop treating myself so badly! Why is this so hard for women to do?

Rudi thinks I'm having an affair. Twitter has me glued to my phone and he thinks that I have a twitter boyfriend. LOL. He doesn't get the online addictions. He says I'm like a high school girl on MXIT with her boyfriend. Does this mean I have a problem? Is there such a thing as twitter rehab? LOL. I don't think I'll be able to leave it!

I think that they are coming to draw blood tonight for my new life insurance policy to check that I'm not a smoker. I haven't smoked for about a week and a half. Quite interested to see if I pass. People have been telling me it takes much longer to get out of your system. I've been tempted to smoke, don't get me wrong, but I've abstained for the sake of a discount on my premium. Now lets just hope they test comes back negative for nicotine and that is the only thing they test for :)

So from tomorrow it's happy thoughts and rainbows and bunnies. Must be happy and put all this stuff behind me. New page. New life. Happiness.

+/- 0kg

Apparently I need to exercise to lose weight. Go figure. I had an OK eating week last week which is probably why I didn't gain, but it seems I won't lose if I'm not walking either. I was sick. Give me a break!

For those of you that don't know, tomorrow our baby would have been born. It's also Rudi's birthday tomorrow. Not only that, two people that were pregnant along with me and due in early April are both giving birth tomorrow. It feels like everyone except me is having their baby tomorrow. FFS. Could they not have waited till next week? Or even Thursday? I suppose I cannot blame them. Babies come when they are ready. Although, both births are planned C-sections. There is also a good chance that our baby could have been with us already (estimated due dates are exactly that, estimations)...but that is something we will never know.

I took leave for Wednesday, anticipating it will be a difficult day for me, but I didn't realize that I would break down on Monday already. I sat crying at my desk yesterday until I finally decided to go home. Jubba and his line manager told me I could take time if I needed it and I need time now.

Wednesday is the last big day. The last chapter in the events that would have led to us having a baby. Rudi told me the other day he wants to celebrate James' birthday in some way each year. He also told me last year that we could celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day, even though we don't have a living baby. I suppose those days could be hard for me too, but luckily they occur on a weekend.

I'm at home again today. I didn't see the point of going into the office, just to have to come home again.

Rudi doesn't understand why I am still upset. Yesterday when he picked me up from work he said 'But his soul is with God now, why are you still sad?'. Men don't really get it, do they?

I have to pick myself up after this. I can't be stuck in this dark cloud forever.

By the way, the number I had for my father was a number for a company. My grandfather called them yesterday and they don't know who he is. I guess this journey continues.