The Weekend so far

Last night I went to watch Bride Wars with Leebeesa. I must say that I really enjoyed spending some time with her and the movie was really cool. It made me laugh and cry. Awesome. Rudi had gone off to Crack Head's house and said he'd by home by 23:00. After the movie we went to Leebeesa's sisters house (she's house sitting at the moment) and I watched a little DSTV (cable) while she went to shower. She had to work today so eventually she brought me home around midnight.

Rudi still wasn't home. I was so livid. I thought after the huge fight that we had last weekend about this very same thing he would at least retain the information for a week. Silly me. Leebeesa comforted me on the phone till eventually I was tired enough to go and sleep. She reckoned he was probably trying to get a reaction out of me and advised me not to react. He came home after 01:00.

This morning I got up, made us both breakfast and started getting ready for my hair appointment. I even asked him how his evening was in a friendly manner. He couldn't, however, give a flying fuck how my evening went. He didn't even bother asking. He then kept trying to pull me back into bed, knowing I had a hair appointment within the next 30 minutes. The more I protested, the more adamant he became. He pressed my buttons to the extent that I finally exploded and said something along the lines of him needing to spend time with me when it was appropriate and not just when it suited him, which led to another fight. The last thing I said to him before I left for my hair appointment was 'You want a divorce? Fine. You'll get what you want'.

The hairdresser was a lovely lady. As all hairdressers do she listened to my problems and even gave me a free treatment. If pity is going to get me free hair treatments, I'm not going to complain! Hair is SO freaking expensive to maintain!

I have grainy cell phone pics of my hair:





Before



After

We were meant to go and visit my great aunt, Cheryl, today and go for a walk on the beach afterwards. Naturally Rudi told me to go on my own. I picked my grandmother up and we went to go and visit her. I actually had a nice afternoon, despite my foul mood. I assumed Rudi would have buggered off to his friends while I was out, but he was still home when I returned around 18:00 (I left at 12:00). Maybe his friends are busy.

Did you think I was going to slack on the weekend? NO! When I got home I went for my walk (alone). It was still difficult and hasn't gotten any easier yet. I am still taking the same route. I'm sure it's going to get better. I feel good about doing it. I came home, took a nice cold shower and cooked supper. I was so proud of myself today. I stuck to my eating plan despite being offered cake and DELICIOUS cookies. I can do this!

Rudi and I are being civil for now. He's not getting off easily this time. I deserve respect and if he can't give me that, then that's tough. I'm not going to be a doormat.

Updates

So in case you were wondering...I did go and walk again last night :) We walked before we cooked supper so it was quite a bit warmer than when we walked after 19:00 on Tuesday. The heat aided in us working up quite a sweat. Still felt good! We took the same route as the last walk and it wasn't necessarily less strenious, but I didn't get a stitch this time so there is already improvement. On Saturday we are going through to Tableview to visit my great aunt and going for a walk on the beach afterwards, no matter how strong the wind is! (I've used that as an excuse not to walk on the beach before) The sand offers nice resistance and should make it a good workout. We've also started looking at taking other routes to keep it interesting. There are quite a few nice houses in our area so it will be nice to walk around and look at all of them.

The eating plan is still going well, although I'm curious to see how it will turn out on the weekend. I just know Rudi will fall off the wagon with the 'no drinking' part of it. In fact, he already has when he went to darts on Wednesday. He's already made plans to have a snoek (fish) braai (BBQ) with Crack Head tonight and told him to buy a six pack or a bottle of brandy. I told him he can really do whatever he likes as long as he doesn't expect to get the best results. He's never been on a diet or eating plan in his life before and I don't think he realizes just how difficult it can be sometimes. I hope he is inspired by my diligence and the results I hope to obtain. I suddenly can't wait to get onto the scale on Tuesday to see the fruits of my labour!

I was so busy at work yesterday I completely forgot to blog about the hilarious thing that happened at home on Wednesday! We were cooking supper and I needed to have a shower before going to church. After getting undressed Rudi decided to take advantage of my lack of clothing. One thing led to another and I guess we got a bit carried away...only to realize afterwards that we had burnt our food! Luckily the damage wasn't too bad and we managed to eat it. We're still having a good chuckle about it though.

I'm trying my best to just enjoy the sexy time Rudi and I are having together without thinking of babies or whether the time together will result in a pregnancy. It's craziness! I'm still charting my temperatures and monitoring how my body feels. We're still trying at the 'right' times, but I'm not going to stress about it too much. It will come. Eventually! (read: I hope it happens this month)

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Tonight I'm going to watch Bride Wards with Leebeesa. Just a diet coke this time, no popcorn. It's going to be fun! Let us hope the rest of the weekend doesn't turn out to be as disastrous as last weekend was.

Busy Busy!

I have had so much work today I have felt completely overwhelmed. I also wanted to get a few personal things done. Sometimes I feel like a dog chasing it's tail. I keep running and running, but I don't get anywhere!

Thanks to everyone who has stopped lurking and left a comment lately. I've been receiving comments from some people that I didn't even know were reading. Hi! *waves*

I still fully intend on going for a walk tonight. My muscles are quite tense and I found that the walk the other night relieved that. I'm finding it extremely easy to drink my water now that I've added some lime cordial to the mix. I really, really hate drinking water and used to suffer with it immensely. My water is now finished half way through the day! I am super proud of myself!

Amidst finishing my work I have managed to sort out a few things I intended on doing. I made a hair appointment for Saturday morning. I finally found a hairdressed that doesn't expect me to pay her in limbs. She works from home and obviously doesn't have the kind of overheads they have at salons. My hair is an absolute mess! I have roots that scream "She's not really blonde!" and split ends that are heading north. I'm SO relieve to finally have pulled finger and made time to do this.

I've also check up on my service plan and determined that the next service on my car will be the last covered by the plan. I've requested a sales assistance to call me back so that we can discuss extending my service plan further. Another check box ticked!

Having done all of this I set up a list of work related objectives that we are expected to achieve this month. In other words I just made more work for myself. Sadly most of my team could not be bothered to do anything so it is generally quite difficult to get anyone off their bum to contribute. People probably expect me to pull all the weight because I have so much of it. HA HA. Only kidding. There are is someone bigger than me in my team, believe it or not!

I better get my A into G and get my work finished. I'm leaving work very soon and I have some work left to do! Eeek!

Exercise!

So Rudi and I actually went for a walk last night. After having a lovely (healthy) meal we set off for the walk.

We walked around our complex to a nearby dam, around the dam and back home again. Walking to the dam and around it was pretty easy and I set a fast pace, but walking back was uphill all the way! It was only a mild incline, but uphill none the less!

I must say I really took strain on the uphill and had to climb a flight of stairs to get back into the house. My heart was pounding, my muscles were twitching and my lungs were burning. The whole walk took us about 20 minutes.

After I recovered and caught my breath back I felt pretty good about it. We won't have time to go for a walk tonight as I'm going to church and Rudi's going to darts, but tomorrow night I want to go again.

The eating plan is going really well so far and it's really not too difficult. Maybe this is the one!

69

Stole this meme from Wenchy's blog, but I see Jaxie has also done it :)

1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be? Rudi

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Honestly it depends on how far away the place to put the carts are.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener? It really depends on who I'm with. If I'm with people I'm not crazy about I tend to withdraw.

4. Do you take compliments well? What compliments? No :)

5. Do you play Sudoku? No. Not so good at maths or logical stuff

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? For like 5 seconds

7. Do you like to ride horses? I have and not so much

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? Yes. Not a lot.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid? I loved pretending I was a teacher

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it? No!

11. Have you lied to get out of a date? Yes.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? I am married to someone with different religious beliefs.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued? A little bit of both.

14. Use three words to describe yourself? Emotional, friendly, insecure

15. Do any songs make you cry? Yes

16. Are you continuing your education? I'm so lazy, but I did get a NQF level 6 qualification from WITS University last year.

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun? No.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed? Photographs, jewellery, my laptop...Who set my freaking house on fire?!

19. How often do you read books? I'm always reading something, currently reading "Eldest"

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future? This differs from day to day, but I don't think about the future too much.

21. What is your favorite children’s book? Uncle Arthur's Bedtime Stories

22. What color are your eyes? Green

23. How tall are you? 170 cm

24. Where is your dream house located? In a suburb somewhere in Cape Town

25. Do you have a secret fetish? Nicely defined collar bones do it for me...can't remember when last I've seen a nice one...(I think it's coz you can't see mine at all)

26. Have you tried sushi? Yes

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yes

28. When was the last time you were at a library? Pfft. I can't even remember!

29. When was the last time you were at Church? Sunday morning and I will be there again tonight.

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today? To work

31. What was your favorite job? I've always had the same one so I guess this must be it

32. Do you like mustard? It's not too bad

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat? Sheesh! Tough choice! I love both, but I couldn't do without my sleep.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad? I can't remember what my father looks like, but I don't think I look like my mother

35. How long does it take you in the shower? 15 minutes

36. Can you do the splits? WAHAHAHA!

37. What movie do you want to see right now? Bride Wars - Going to see it Friday

38. If you could fast forward your life, would you? No! It's short enough already!

39. What did you do for New Year’s? Had a braai with some of Rudi's friends *yawn*

40. Do you think dying is scary? Very!

41. Could you relate to a character in Gray’s? I think I can be a bit all over the place like Meredith

42. Do you own a camera phone? Yes

43. Do you have an “ex box” with pics and letters from past lovers? I have a memory box.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader? No

45. What’s the last letter of your middle name? I don't have a middle name

46. Do you like your middle name? The one that doesn't exist?

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Around 9

48. Do you like care bears? Yes

49. What do you buy at the movies? Diet Coke from now on...(Before popcorn and a slush puppie)

50. Do you know how to play poker? No

51. Do you wear your seatbelt? Sometimes

52. What do you wear to sleep? Nighties

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown? This one woman murdered her husband with a cross bow. She lived across the road from us. Also this one guy shot his girlfriend in his car then shot himself. I knew her sister. I moved - far enough away.

54. How many meals do you eat a day? 3

55. Is your tongue pierced? It was

56. Ever meet anyone you met on Face book? Yes

57. Do you read the newspaper? No

58. Do you like funny or serious people better? Funny!

59. Ever been to heaven? I think I'm still alive

60. Did you eat a cookie today? No. I've been very good :)

61. Do you use curse words in other languages? Oh yes!

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? Both

63. Do you hate chocolate? I've never even MET someone who hates chocolate!

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most? About My Evil Mother's tendency to hurt and take advantage of people. I don't know my father.

65. Are you a gullible person? No

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy? Actually I think so. I know it's sad.

67. If you could have any job what would it be? Sipping cocktails on a beach...

68. Are you easy to get along with? I think so

69. What is your favorite time of day? Any time I am with someone I love. Not when I'm at work for sure!

Feeling Good

I am super proud of myself. I haven't felt proud of myself for a VERY long time. It feels so good to feel like this.

Despite life throwing me a curve ball I started my eating plan yesterday and stuck to it. I could have easily used the fight Rudi and I had as an excuse not to start. I even forgot to prepare the chicken I needed for lunch yesterday and that would just have added to my excuses.

I have made enough excuses though. There should be no excuse for treating yourself badly and poisoning your body with bad food. Yeah I know I sound like a hypocrite and I've only been eating healthy for a day, but I want to put my mind into the right gear.

I stuck to my eating plan for the entire day yesterday and even drank all my water. I loathe drinking water. I added some lime cordial and that makes it so much more bearable. I didn't feel punished or deprived. I felt healthier.

I intended to go for a walk yesterday, but Rudi picked me up late from work and by the time we had finished cooking supper our soapie was on and before we knew it 7 'o clock had come and gone. My grandparents also pitched up at our house unannounced so the walk went down the drain. We do plan on taking a walk tonight though.

Rudi and I discussed our problems and managed to talk things out. I've decided not to let his actions or inactions decide how I feel about myself. I want to learn to love myself more, to be comfortable in my own skin. I want reconnect my mind and my body. They have been strangers for years.

I think that this healthy eating plan has come at a very good time. It is helping me feel better about myself. I have also decided not to beat myself up if I fall off the wagon. Many times before this has been my downfall. I would cheat and then feel like a failure and like I've ruined everything and I would give up. None of that! NOBODY eats perfectly every single day. Everybody gives in to food. I have bad genes and I need to work harder at it than some people, but that is not their fault nor mine. I am not the only person in the world that struggles with their weight.

I will no longer be judged because I have trouble stopping myself from putting bad things in my mouth. The principle is simple. Now I just need to enforce it!

I weighed myself last week and again this morning. There is already a 2kg difference! I am not officially counting it as I can't even remember what day I weighed, but it has lifted my spirits a little anyway :)

:(

Rudi and I had a horrible fight. My beautiful giraffes that used to watch over my lounge are no longer in existance. What was left of them was eventually burned...I chucked a dishcloth into the fire so that I could also burn something.

Like I needed extra pain.

Failures

I’ve been having a really tough week. Every single day this week I have sat at my desk crying at work. It’s embarrassing to say the least. My colleagues have been good at leaving me alone and not plaguing me with questions, which is really how I prefer it. The more attention I am paid when I feel like this, the worse it makes me feel. Right now I can’t blame these feelings and this state of being on hormones, because it isn’t the time for me to be hormonal. I have no explanation for my anger and sadness this week in particular, it just is what it is. The more I think or talk about it the more agitated I become. I’m so sick of feeling this way. I’m so sick of the waterworks exploding continuously. I think at some time is was ingrained into me that crying is a sign of weakness and now I feel like I’m being weak. I gave myself permission to cry as much as I needed to before, but it seems like everything comes with an expiry date.

This isn’t what I intended to blog about today though. I wanted to blog about my previous weight loss attempts and how they went.

The first time I seriously wanted to lose weight the reason I embarked on the mission was because My Evil Mother was doing it and she was dangerously close to my weight. I couldn’t stand that as she was always much bigger than me and how embarrassing would it be if you’re fatter than your mom? At least your mom has had a baby.

SureSlim

I can’t even remember what year I did this in. I lost 13kg in 6 weeks. It was amazing! I was the lightest at that point that I had ever been in my life. I felt incredible. I had energy, I could cross my legs comfortably and I looked really good. I was also only about 10kg away from my goal weight at the time.

How did it end? I went shopping for clothes and I didn’t fit into a pair of jeans that I wanted to buy. We were having coffee at a coffee shop afterward. My packet with my next-size-up jeans was lying next to me. I was so upset I burst into tears and ordered a slice of chocolate cake. Out the window it went. I tried to climb onto this band wagon many times afterwards, but it was just too difficult. Hats off to anyone who can do this, but I cannot torture myself, no matter how well it works.

Atkins

Carbs are definitely my problem, the blood tests SureSlim did for me were testament to that. I lost 8kg in about 3 months with Atkins. I cannot live forever without a slice of bread or some popcorn though. Out the window went that one.

Weight Watchers

I did weight watchers back in 2005 for about 4 months (This was my last attempt at weight loss – sheesh it’s long ago). I lost about 6kg. I was losing something ridiculous like 400g a week (which is the average apparently) and I just could not bear it! I got so frustrated I threw that one out the window too. Weight Watchers is fairly easy as you can really eat whatever you want, but I think the lack of structure combined with my lack of discipline was eventually my downfall.

I thought after that I would never ever try to lose weight again. I was stupid to think that though. Surely I must have known I would NEED to lose weight at some point for health reasons. Luckily it hasn’t reached that point yet – but it’s fairly close. I’m already high risk to all sorts of horrible ailments.

Let’s hope it is different this time and that having Rudi’s support will help me get there. Only 5kg. That’s it. That’s all I’m taking on.

We’re going to the movies tonight to watch Saw V and I’m having the biggest popcorn they have for the last time in a little while. I’m not going to deprive myself for the rest of my life, but I’m going to be good most of the time. That I can manage.

*SCREAM*

I’ve figured out yesterday that I’m still stuck in the ‘anger’ phase of the grief cycle. I’m sitting with a ball of anger in my lap and I have no idea what to do with it.

Yesterday I received an invite to a baby shower. My due date was very close to that of the person the baby shower is being held for. I burst into tears when I received it. Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I am not going to be able to handle watching her enjoy something I feel I was also entitled to have (and most likely will have in future). I’m either going to sit there and cry…or be bitter and resentful to the point where it’s noticeable. I can’t just plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be ecstatic and excited at all the beautiful gifts she is receiving for her baby. Don’t get me wrong, I do not begrudge her happiness. I just know I will feel like my face is being rubbed in it, despite that not being the intention. I do not want to ruin her day for her. I have decided to graciously decline the invitation and send a gift with another friend. I will buy something for mommy as I don’t see myself shopping for baby things right now either.

If I wasn’t upset enough already, Rudi came home from darts last night to announce that another one of our friends is expecting. This morning he mentioned it again and I just told him I do not want to talk about it.

I am surrounded by all these happy people and I feel like I have been robbed.

I do not want to become bitter and resentful. I do not want this to define me. I simply want to have a baby of my own. I don’t know how much longer I can watch everyone else get what I want. It’s not like I’m not trying. FFS.

Shame...

This is a picture of the fish Rudi caught on Sunday:


He goes fishing quite a bit, but they normally throw back what they catch. This time for some reason they decided they wanted to try and eat it. I finished work and caught up with them around 2 hours after they had caught this one. They had already rinsed it out with a hose pipe and gone to show it off to Crack Head who couldn’t join them for the fishing trip. When I saw them again the fish was in a cooler bag in some water.

Rudi picked it up out of the cooler bag and to everyone’s surprise the poor fish was still breathing. Its gills were still opening and closing. I felt so sorry for the fish I wanted to cry! I was very upset with them for bringing the fish home to eat :( it’s the same as hunting really, isn’t it? I called him a murderer and eventually he felt bad for the fish. The worst part is that after cleaning and braaing the fish they eventually gave it to the cats because it wasn’t overly tasty. The cheek!

Look. I am by no means a vegetarian. I love meat (not fish!) but I don’t like seeing the animals suffer. Just before Christmas Rudi and I went to buy a half a lamb. We watched them cut the lamb up and I was so upset by the sight of it I wanted to leave the shop. Seeing the lamb practically intact was heartbreaking! I don’t think I’ll give up eating meat, but I don’t want to see where it comes from!

Speaking of eating…

I’ve received a lot of support online about the eating plan. It seems a lot of people have the same idea. Two ladies at work have decided to join me as well. Rudi is already turning into a dieting Nazi and nearly bit my head off when I asked for some Nesquik last night. I keep trying to tell him I’m only starting on Monday, as we’re going shopping this weekend for the food we will need. He doesn’t seem to understand this concept! He also doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t just throw an egg into the lean mince to make patties. The egg counts too! Rudi is a dieting virgin, but I’ll whip him into shape in no time! He he. That and he’ll watch me like a hawk!

We’re also going to the movies on Friday to watch Saw V. It will be the last time we go to the movies and will be able to eat the BIG, BIG popcorn! (Trust me to be thinking of the food instead of the time with my hubby) I think I’ll throw in a diet Coke to ease my conscience. Before you say that popcorn isn’t fattening…the popcorn at the movies is oil popped, not air popped, so it IS fattening. *sigh* only the dry air popped stuff is OK to eat.

I am so tired now already. I’ve worked for 7 consecutive days and seriously need some time off! Roll on weekend!

Is there hope?

I’m hiding out in word again today. Nobody said anything or took a second glance yesterday, so I guess it works.

Firstly I’d like to say thank you for Glugster for fixing my banner. It fits perfectly now and is finally not working on my nerves! Thank you!

The more I think about this healthy eating plan, the more I want to do it. I’m trying not to get myself overly excited about it. I’m cautious about it because I’ve disappointed myself so many times before. I don’t want to fail again, but every time I set out to succeed with a positive attitude and full of hope I have failed. I’ve set my first goal at 5kg. I figure that is easily achievable, although I need to lose much, much more. It’s a starting point. It’s better than going on and disregarding my body and what it is telling me. The fact that I’m a bit overwhelmed by emotional issues right now doesn’t help, but I think my mind is finally in the right place again. Last year I would not even consider changing my eating plan. It was completely out of the question for me. I had given up on myself. This year I guess I realize I’m stuck with me forever, so I better start liking who I am.

I really need to call my insurance. I’ve got a couple of dings on my car that I’d really like to have fixed, but I’ve been putting off calling them forever. I hope they deliver good service or my next blog post might just be a rant about First for Women.

Tired much?

I had a rough morning. I had a little cry or two at my desk.

I’m trying to make sense of things in my head, but the more rational I try to be, the more my heart muddles up what I’m trying to achieve. I guess I’m going to need to sit down my impatient self and give myself a good talking to. Perhaps I am to learn patience. This may be the lesson life is trying to teach me.

I’m exhausted after working the weekend and cannot WAIT to get out of here. I don’t really have any more work to do, but since I’m a clock puncher I’ll have to wait the day out. Yet another thing that requires the patience that I do not have.

I’m writing this blog entry in word in order to disguise it as work. I have no idea if it is working. I’ve stuck a little work graphic at the top of the page to fool passers by who have nothing better to do than to stick their nose into my monitor.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

P.S. This is my 200th post. I wish I had something more exciting to say.

Facelift

I thought it was time to change the look and feel of my blog a little. I'm liking the new pink, but my banner is KILLING ME!

As you can see, it doesn't fit. Recently I squished it in paint a bit, but it distorted the image, so I canned that.

The image is special to me because it contains pictures of Rudi, me and my family and it was made for me by a friend (he runs the Kuier website).

Can anyone help me either make this thing fit or resizing it to the correct size without distorting it?

I'm really going to try my best to change my mindset. I know that thinking about conceiving all the time really just makes it harder in the end. I need to focus on something else, or throw myself into another challenge to do this. The only thing that I can think of that will sufficiently distract me is weight loss. My mind tends to get very 'one track' when I'm trying to lose weight. Many friends have told me though that it won't be a good idea to try and lose weight if I'm trying to fall pregnant. The things is...losing weight assists with fertility and it would be better for both the baby and myself if I was lighter. My clothes are starting to be too tight to wear and I'm starting to become overly conscious of this again. What to do...what to do.

I was listening to a song by The Script on the radio this morning and it made me think of Rudi and I with this whole situation with the loss of our child.

They say bad things happen for a reason
But those wise words ain't gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's [ed: he's] moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

I consumed a bottle of red wine by myself yesterday. It was fun. I think I'll do it again today. Why the hell not? It is weekend, after all.

Fluffy post (MEME)

Since my blog has been a bit "doomy and gloomy" lately I decided to do what Angel would call a 'fluffy' post. Exmi did a post once about the contents of her handbag. I thought that would be fun...although I shudder to think about what I might discover.

As a side note, Rudi and I went to watch Transporter 3 last night. Jason Statham is smoulderingly hot and takes his shirt off quite a few times. Yum! I'm enjoying charting with fertility friend and remembering to take my temperature in the mornings (OK, two so far). I kind of like charts.

A little background on my handbag: It was bought for me by a friend and colleague for my kitchen tea. It's a good quality handbag - hence me being able to use it for so long. I like BIG handbags, as you will discover - I carry a lot of crap around. I also like handbags with lots of compartments so that I can try to maintain some order. I fail miserably at this. Lets see what's inside...

My wallet
My car keys
355ml bottle of contact lense solution (haven't gotten my hands on the travel size)
A box of matches (what for?)
Panado tablets (24's)
Pocket pack tissues (10)
Small ring wire breast cancer note pad
Spare car key
512MB flash drive
Small plastic hairbrush
Clinique stay matte sheer pressed powder
Rennies
Two identity books (married surname and maiden surname)
Earbuds
Contact lense case
Tampon
Cell phone (Sony Ericsoon W850i)
Handsfree kit for my cell phone
Canderel (which I don't drink)
Individually wrapped Spur sweets (which I don't eat)
Illiadin Nasal Spray (Works like a bomb, but can be addictive. Excessive use, ironically, will cause congestion)
Make up bag

Now...my make up bag contains:

Dental floss
Large nail clipper
Clinique lip liner
L'Oreal Infallible lip colour
Nail file
Hair grips
Labello lip gloss
A plastic fold up fork (WHY?!)
Tweezers
Maybelline Watershine Elixer
Lipliner
Small square mirror
Christmas shopping list (STILL!)
Clinique combination lip gloss/fragrance (Happy)
Various lipsticks and lip glosses all nearly the same shade

My wallet contains:

Driver's license
Liquid Gel Ink blue pen
Empty plastic SD card holder
R8.05 in small change
FNB debit card
FNB credit card
Sun International gambling card
Clicks Club Card
Discovery Health membership card
Ster-Kinekor movie club card
Woolworths card
Edgars card
Edgars credit card
Mr. Video card
Dis-Chem loyalty card
Spec Savers loyalty card
Old Mr. Video card
Clinique club card

Believe it or not, I still have a thick stack of cards lying at home that simply didn't fit into my wallet anymore.

That was definitely not as scary as I thought it would be! Now...I tag Angel, Jenty and Wenchy to do it too! If you want to and I haven't tagged you, link back in the comments.

She's baaaack

So my cycle started today, meaning I'm definitely not pregnant again. My cycle seems to be normalizing a little because it was only really two days late. Somehow I remembered to take my temperature this morning and filled in some information on fertility friend which helps you set up charts to calculate when you are fertile using your temperature and a few other things. Now I have to remember to take my temperature every morning when I open my eyes and I should be able to calculate exactly when I am ovulating.

It's actually such a mission. Nothing is guaranteed to work. I really wish I could stick to what I said in December about nature taking it's course, but it is really hard to just let it go.

Blogging openly and honestly about my experiences has been really therapeutic for me. My heart goes out to women who do not have the support I've received online. So many women must go through this and feel like they are alone. Since sharing my story many have come forward to share their feelings on their own experiences. If laying my soul bare on the internet can help just one woman who has gone through this deal with her feelings and take comfort in knowing she is not alone, it will all be worth it.

I know that I should not expect to fall pregnant immediately and that it is probably better to give it a while, but I am terrified that I am going to be one of those people who struggles to conceive their second child, no matter how easily the first pregnancy came about. I know the more I worry about these things, the less chance that it will happen. I KNOW these things. I don't need to be told. What my mind knows and my heart feels are two very different things.

If one more person tells me 'You're still young, you have lots of time' I'm going to scream at them. Yes, I might be 27, but time is flying by SO quickly. The last 9 years of my life flew by so fast I barely noticed. Next thing you know I'm 35 and too high risk to get pregnant. I have thought a lot about it and I think I would like to have two children. There are a few reasons for this and I will need to get busy rather soon if I want this to happen and not be 65 when my kids leave high school. Shut up. I'm not good at math.

Another thing I am tired of hearing is 'It will happen when it's meant to'. Spare me the bull. It was MY turn. I was supposed to have a baby and I didn't get to. It is insensitive to SAY IT OUT LOUD. If you don't have something constructive to say like 'Best of luck' or 'I really hope it happens soon for you' - say nothing at all. The people saying these things may not realize that they are being hurtful, but I do. I feel the pain and I have to deal with what you are saying.

I still feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I want one thing, the next I want something else, then I'm back to wanting the other thing. It's really confusing to feel this way. More than one person who has suffered a terrible loss has told me that falling pregnant again really helped them processing their feelings and feel better. Perhaps that is what I am trying to do. To get back what I lost in some sense. I know I can never replace the baby that I lost, but I do want a baby now.

It is also not easy to watch everyone that was pregnant with me have their babies. A colleague gave birth last Friday. I asked her to send me a picture of her baby since I've been talking to her through her mother's navel for quite some time. When she sent me the picture I burst into tears. I was so sad and so happy for her at the same time.

I hope one day I can talk about it without a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye and resentment in my heart.

Fame

The Leo in me hungers for fame and attention, although I am not necessarily a spotlight seeker. Because I have low self esteem I don't flaunt the way I think I might if I were thinner circumstances were different.

When you fall pregnant, you become a celebrity in your own right. Suddenly everybody is interested in you...your blog stats will go up. That's for sure. People constantly want to know how you are...even if you growl at them when they ask because you feel like throwing up on your keyboard. People constantly give you gifts for the baby (I got more gifts for the baby on my birthday last year than I got for myself). Hell...people even throw a party for you near the end. All in all it really makes you feel special and cared about.

I miss that. Every woman gets her 15 minutes of fame this way. Sometimes the attention is probably unwanted. Perhaps she is a mistress, not a partner. Perhaps she is still a child herself...but attention she will have.

I am in a place in my life where the attention was most welcome. My family was overjoyed and announced the news to one and all. Colleagues were happy for me. Friends were happy for me. I am married, so there is no scandal. In fact, it is expected.

I think next time I am pregnant I'll keep it quiet until we're sure everything is OK. Everyone knowing last time turned out not to be such a good thing.

Other than that my cycle still has not started. Only 1 day late so far. It's probably still out of whack from the pregnancy. I need to be patient with this. In fact...I think I need to stop trying so hard. It's so difficult to put it out of my mind when it is something I think about so often on a daily basis. As Wenchy said, I should try to see it as a journey - not as a destination. I am definitely getting better with time. I am not nearly as anxious as I was last month and my stomach isn't in a knot every time I go to the loo.

I DO hate waiting though. Not just for this, for anything. I try to be as punctual as possible and hate waiting for people. My Evil Mother is one who is always late for everything. I think it's disrespectful to be late. It shows you have no regard for the other person's time. It drives me nuts. I'll forgive Mother Nature this time around though since I want something from her. Yeah I know. Love me. Double standards and all.

UPDATE

*blush* One of my male colleagues sent me an e-mail to tell me I look nice today. That was a bit of a ego boost, then another colleague walked up to me and said he was looking at my eyes peeking over the cubicle partition and he thought 'Who is this babe?' then decided to come and tell me about it. What's going on?!

Waiting

I feel like crap today. I'm having a bad hair day and I feel nauseous. Unfortunately I don't think the nausea has anything to do with pregnancy, but rather with the tension and frustration caused by coming back to work. Not least of all, Jubba. He hasn't shouted at me today yet, but sometimes he likes to leave you hanging for a while. It's torturous.

Other than that the pimple on my face is making me feel very unpretty and I still have cramps. My cycle hasn't started yet, but I feel it is inevitable that it will. Feeling quite hopeless about it today. I don't look forward to another month of trying. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sexy time with Rudi...but working on a schedule is so unromantic.

I feel really horrible. I hate this. Maybe it's just hormones.

The Dreaded Jubba

Oh my goodness. I've received reports from work that Jubba is on the war path (again). Apparently I'm in for it when I get back. Now I'm DREADING going back to work. I am already emotional (PMS?) and frustrated with my own things in my head...now I have to be shouted at and be told how worthless I am by this...this...man. Word is that he wants to crap all over me about surfing the internet (again). I did relax a bit over the festive season...(I'm not the only one that surfs for Pete's sake! Just the only one that is singled out constantly), but apparently he said I stopped for about a week. Absolute bullshit. I'll tell him that to his face. I don't appreciate him discussing this with an entire team behind my back either. Bastard! Don't know how often I'll be able to blog with him looking over my shoulder :(

Apparently my team has already been called in and told how useless they are. The girls have been accused of 'not doing anything' (this is the second time this has happened in my absence) the boys fervently agreeing. Liars.

I wish someone would stand up to him. I wish we could all stand up to him. We are too afraid though...because if nothing happens and he stays in his current position we are sure to be victimized afterward *sigh* What to do? Eat up all his crap is what we do. ARGH!

I already have a pimple and cramps today. Not looking good for pregnancy :(

Photos

After about 4 hours of frustration...

Table Mountain photos here.

The Brass Bell photos here.

Absenteeism

Howdy. I know I've been gone for a while, but I've been enjoying a little leave with Rudi. I'll be back to work and full time blogging on Wednesday.

While I'm uploading photos to Facebook I have a little time to recap on what's been happening lately. [Facebook is giving me the world's trouble. I'll post links once it allows me to upload]

Rudi and I have been enjoying some time together in the last few days of our leave. We've enjoyed sleeping late and spending quality time together. We had the family over for a braai (BBQ) on the 6th of January as it was my grandmother's birthday. My Evil Mother and Coke Head did not come. Interesting story. On Christmas Eve the entire family was here to celebrate, My Evil Mother and Coke Head included. Rudi had a few drinks and Coke Head joined him. Apparently Coke Head proceeded to go out drinking after everyone had left and only came home on Boxing Day (26 December), missing Christmas lunch with his new wife. This led to the decision that they would not join us again as 'Rudi is a bad influence' on My Evil Mother's husband...according to her. I missed the part where Rudi was pouring the alcohol down the throat of this grown man...or the missing two days...not sure what Rudi had to do with that since he was with me. Stupid woman.

The next day Angel, Glugster and Knucklehead came over for another braai. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun at a braai. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the company and the wine ;o) Rudi also gets on really well with Glugster and Angel and I never ran out of things to talk about. We really had an awesome evening.

On Friday we took a drive out to Franshoek and ended up having a lovely, relaxed lunch. On our way home we stopped off at Anura wine farm where we did some wine tasting. We left with one of the most expensive bottles of wine they had (Rudi's choice), wine glasses, biltong, Brie and some Camembert (the cheeses were going for R5.00 - I couldn't resist).

Yesterday we went up Table Mountain. I haven't been since I was 15 and really wanted to go up this year while we were on holiday. We had stunning weather. We went up quite late as we wanted to catch the special they're currently having. When we arrived it seemed like a lost cause. The queues were terribly long...we did end up waiting for about an hour, but the views were so spectacular and listening to the people around us made time fly. Going up with the cable car was not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, although I did shy away from the open parts of the cable car when the floor rotated me that way. I generally have a fear of heights, but seeing as how the cable car can carry over 5 tons, I felt safe. The drive up the mountain was a different story though. My fear of car accidents and heights combined always sends me into a panic on a mountain pass. We watched the sun set over the sea. It was beautiful. The views from up there are absolutely breathtaking.

Today I'm finally going for the back and neck massage that my landlady gave me as a gift, I decided to throw in a pedicure. There's no time like the present to spoil yourself :) Rudi will also be going for a back and neck massage. Tomorrow we will most likely just spend the day chilling together...perhaps even go out somewhere.

I'm not looking forward to going back to work, but I really enjoyed this leave and feel quite rested.

My grandfather has completed his last chemo session and is currently recovering from that. He should be fine in a week or so. He says he will not go through chemo again. He would rather let cancer take his life. Its heartbreaking for me, but I understand where he is coming from. Going through chemo is hell. I would not wish it upon anyone. I'm glad it is over for him. Finally. This milestone for him was often compared to the milestone I was reaching. James would have been born in about two months. Having to start all over sucks. It's that time of the month where I'm playing the waiting game and wondering anxiously whether our plan for conception has worked. My cycle is due to start on Wednesday. So the waiting begins...

Hello 2009

My letter to this year:

Dearest 2009

I sincerely hope that you and I are going to be friends. I used to think I was friends with 2008, but we ended off on bad terms in the end. So far you have only been good to me, but I know that we will have some rough patches - that is inevitable. I want you to know I forgive you now already for those rough patches. Good friends need to go through 'circumstances' to strengthen their bond sometimes. Just don't pull things out of proportion. I have a limit. 2008 knows where the line is - you might want to ask him.

Anway, there are a few things I want this year. I told God all about them. I figure if the two of you get together you can make a plan. Just let me know if you need anything from me. I'll do my best.

Warm Regards

acidicice

I have a TINY sense of closure about 2008. I haven't really required to put a year behind me like I do 2008, but I think I can. When everything happened with James, before our decision was made, I knew that I would get through this one way or the other. I did underestimate the effect it was going to have on me, but I knew that I would somehow get through it. Slowly things are getting better. I still have pain. I still cry about it. I still feel hurt and I still ask questions, without the expectation of an answer. Nobody can answer me anyway.

2008 was also a year of tremendous courage for me. I showed courage that I did not know I possessed. I still do not think I am a strong person, but I took some very difficult steps, made very difficult decisions and took responsibility for them. I wanted to shy away from the accountability. I wanted someone else to tell me what to do, but I stood on my own two feet and steered my life in a difficult direction. I weathered the storm and came out of it alive.

When I was younger I often asked myself the question "How will I know when I am a woman and no longer a girl?". I may have been of a woman's age for quite some time, but I feel like a woman inside now too. I am a 'grown up' now and will be exposed to all the crap wonderful things being a grown up offers. I've been paying bills, dealing with family issues and living on my own for quite some time - but adulthood has become very real to me recently.

I have felt a bit guilty. My grandfather has been going through a very traumatic time, but in my mind I have made his problem smaller and focused on my own grief. Although I have offered him support and a lot of my time I still feel like I minimalized his illness in my own mind. I have not expressed this to anyone else, but I have felt guilty about it. Unfortunately our tragedies overlapped in time, but I will definitely focus on it and make sure he knows how proud I am of him for bravely going through his chemo and fighting for his life. I do not ever want to lose him, that is a grown up thing I will have to deal with much later.

I believe that 2009 will hold good things for me. In a year I will look back and not want to kick 2009 under the bum out of the door. I have to believe this is true. For my own sanity.