Goodbye 2008

This morning I woke up to the last day of 2008 with a wonderful man in my arms who drives me nuts most of the time and my fingertips brushing the fur of our baby who destroys the carpet I love on a regular basis and I couldn't help but think I am a little lucky. Throughout what has probably been the worst year of my life these two breathing beings have never wavered. Granted, we have had our disagreements, but we still all love each other. That is most important.

I bid this year farewell with great joy. I cannot wait to leave it behind. I had high hopes for 2008 as well:

2007 has been a really good year for me. I got married and progressed very well at work. 2007 exceeded my expectations. I hope that 2008 will do the same and more.

So much for that. So many people died this year, got sick this year and had terrible things happen to them. I am glad it's over. I could almost erase this year from my life without regret. Almost.

I have, however, made very good friends this year. People who have enriched my life and whom I would be sad to lose. These people have supported me through this year and helped Rudi carry the load, although I have a feeling he is unaware of this. We also moved into our new home which has made quite a difference in our lives. We love living there. These are the two things I will treasure from 2008.

Yesterday after work Rudi and I took a drive to The Brass Bell to meet some bloggers. I met Wenchy and Noid who are really lovely. I honestly didn't think I would get to meet them as they are from Johannesburg and I never go there. I also met Angel, her son, Glugster and Jane who I still cannot connect to a blog at the moment. We had a good time drinking cocktails and chatting about various things. It was surreal meeting these people that I share my life with and whose lives I read about. I really enjoyed it and it was totally worth the drive out. We'll be having Angel and them over for a braai on Wednesday, just before they leave. Suddenly I want to go to Johannesburg to meet all the bloggers that they already know who I am dying to meet!

I am not really looking forward to tonight or tomorrow. We didn't make any solid plans for New Years and have now been invited last-minute to people that are kind of boring. Rudi knows them from darts or something. The last time we were there I was thoroughly bored. The lady of the house is nice and everything, but she's really quiet and doesn't talk much. Unfortunately for him the man of the house reminds me of Crack Head and that doesn't bode well for our future interactions. Perhaps there will be other people there that I can interact with. New Years is the perfect excuse for a party and usually I would join in to the festivities no holds barred, but I'm working tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am working alone in my portfolio for the first time since I have been here. Many of my colleagues have done this and survived, but I have been dreading it for quite some time. I will be solely responsible for the reporting, escalation and monitoring of any network failures and since I support our largest customer base...that is a huge responsibility. Things also tend to go screwy on New Year's somehow. It's expected. Billing problems, outstanding credits, congestion on recharges, making calls...you name it...it might break. Luckily I don't see to SMS. That is almost guaranteed to break. That aside I plan to be hungover at the very least, but I'd like to get some shut eye before coming in next year.

Winding down

Today has been a really frustrating work day. Half of our team has already left, but the system we're meant to be working on has been up and down all day leaving us with nothing to do. We have over enough work that needs to get done, but no way of doing it while the system is down. I am so frustrated that I have to sit here, willing to work, but have no way of doing it. Then why waste my time? I'll be going home in an hour and 15 minutes anyway - just let me go. I'll play catch up tomorrow.

Most of management is out of office though, so nobody to send us home early.

This year is winding down really quickly. I cannot believe tomorrow is the last day of the year. It has been a really crap year for me and I'm happy to be seeing the back end of it. I had a really awesome year in 2007, so I'm hoping that 2008 was my charma for 2007 and that I'll get good kharma next year for all the crap I had to eat up in 2008. Sjoe. That sounds bitter. Maybe I am a little bitter, but I will pull myself together and shut up for 2009.

Positive thoughts, happy times and a good year is what awaits.

No New Year's resolutions for me. Bugger that. I never stick to them anyways.

We don't really have plans for New Year's Eve. Looks like we'll be spending it alone, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it can be really boring if we don't plan something nice to do *sigh* We'll see how things pan out.

Christmas Photos

Just managed to upload my Christmas Eve photos to Facebook. You can find them here.

Up and down

According to Dr. Amy's ovulation calculator this is my 'fertile' week. New Year's Eve is supposed to be the day I ovulate, even thought I'm feeling a bit crampy at the moment. Baby Center's ovulation calculator seems to correspond with Dr. Amy's. I suppose they're all based on the same principle. I know I said I'm going to relax and let nature take it's course and stuff, but that is harder to do than I thought it would be. Rudi and I have been trying every 48 hours for the past week or so and will continue to do so for a while I guess. That being said, if I don't fall pregnant this month I will surely lose my mind. We can't miss the ovulation window if we're trying so often, can we?

Fertility Friend seems to have ovulation calculation down to a science, but I was never really good at science and haven't bought the thermometer I would need to monitor my BBT (Basal Body Temperature).

I really should be patient and stop worrying about it. I know this. I know it will happen 'when it's meant to' like I've been told over and over again by various people. Truth be told I don't want to wait. I'm sure I've even said it myself, but it sounds so cliched and I don't want to hear it anymore.

Just writing this post is difficult. One minute I'm all gung ho being pregnant and the next I'm thinking I should just go with the flow and let it happen whenever.

Maybe I just hate not having control over it. Even if I am pregnant this month there will be the agonizing three months to follow to see if everything is OK. I suppose that's going to come whenever it happens.

FFS. I'm so conflicted.

In a nutshell

It's been a busy few days. Christmas Eve wasn't as eventful as I thought. Except for Coke Head (My Evil Mother's husband) nagging me at the end of the evening to drive all the way to Blouberg for a drink. I was exhausted from playing hostess, but he just wouldn't let up. Eventually My Evil Mother intervened and they left without further fuss. I wonder if he didn't take up his old hobby, because they didn't come to church on Christmas morning.

Christmas morning I had a wonderful experience in church. Again I receive two communion wafers. I was feeling sad the days leading up to Christmas, but just that little sign showed me that James was with us.

Christmas day was spent with my in laws. We didn't really do much, but had a nice lunch. Boxing day we were with my in laws again...eventually we left and went to Boy's place. I was so freaking bored and tired of drinking myself that I left without Rudi (of course he didn't want to leave...they were playing pool and darts). Rudi only found me about 2 hours later...drunk as a skunk. Apparently they had run out of mix and started drinking things without mix. Pfft. Bad idea! He's surprisingly lucid this morning and not moaning about a headache.

We're meant to spend the day with my grandparents, but I have no idea what we are going to do.

We bought the most beautiful curtains yesterday. I haven't taken pictures of them yet, but here are some pictures of the house that I haven't shared yet:



Our picture wall



Part of the lounge



The lounge



The passage



The kitchen

WHAT? It's almost Christmas?!

2009 is hurtling towards us at an alarming speed. It will be Christmas the day after tomorrow. I'm already celebrating Christmas with my family tomorrow. I've started making the trifle already. The ingredients cost R260.00! Oh my hat!


I'm feeling a little fragile at the moment. I find sentimental things bringing me to tears. Things that remind me of James are making me cry. I'm trying so hard to be positive and enjoy the festive season, but sometimes I am reminded of it and I feel like breaking down. Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around or anything...and I know I'm entitled to feel sad and I'm allowed to cry, but I don't want to be unhappy this Christmas. Maybe it's because everyone else seems so happy that I feel slightly depressed. It's almost as if everyone has forgotten my pain (which I'm sure they haven't) and have carried on and are happy regardless (which they are also entitled to be). I cannot begrudge anyone their happiness at this time of year...but I hope they understand when I seem unhappy.

I've just realized that I have a huge analysis to do for work that is due the 29th...which means...today is actually my last day to do it. CRAP!

Crazy time

When I got into work this morning I was feeling really grim. I was upset and moody and depressed. Perfect week for this kind of cheer.

I usually work from 7am - 4pm. This week I was suckered into working 9am - 6pm. Any other week I would have worked around it and not complained much, but the way in which it came about made me mad. We only require one staff member to work the 9 - 6 shift. Last week two team members worked the shift (unnecessarily) so that they would be able to say they've 'had their turn' when it came to the week before Christmas and would wash their hands of the shift. They're both guys by the way. I have so much preparation to do for Christmas and family are making demands on my time as well (I'm sure other women can relate). How on earth am I supposed to get done if I only get home from work at almost 7pm?! I still have to collect gifts from family members, do My Evil Mother's hair for her and go and buy stuff for the trifle I have to make! *panics*

Finally I spoke to Jubba (he's been in a festive mood for around a week now, it's lovely) and he said it's not necessary for me to work this shift this work, so I'll be reverting back to 7 - 4 tomorrow. I'm overjoyed!(It's only 3 days anyway)

I'm feeling a bit down and frustrated today. I get frazzled like this when I'm stressed out, but things usually work out for the best.

I think I might feel a bit down since Rudi and I were supposed to start trying to get pregnant already and we just haven't gotten around to it. There is probably still time, but there's such a small window you have to squeeze through to get pregnant and I don't want to accidentally 'miss it'. That being said...I said I wouldn't rush things and have no idea when I ovulate anyway. We thought we'd just try every second day and see what happens. Just got to get started!

At least I can drink to relieve my tension!

:)

The braai last night was awesome. Beauty Queen and SLK have a beautiful home and a gorgeous view from their patio.

Everyone had a good time feeding the ducks, especially the little one that was there who kept making quacking noises. It was so cute!

There was a really cool group of people there. Everyone got along really well and had so much fun. So much fun, in fact, that we decided to have another braai at our place next Saturday. I'm already looking forward to it.

Life is slowly getting back to "normal" and I'm starting to feel OK. I even burst out into song when "Celebrate good times" started playing on the radio today. Things are looking up.

Sent from my phone using trutap

Quiet time

I know I've been very quiet, but I haven't felt that I had anything valuable to say. Is this the calm before the storm?

Most people are already on leave and enjoying their festive season. I hope everyone can enjoy this happy time with their families in safety.

I love this time of year, despite not being able to enjoy long holidays as many do.

We're still trying again for a baby, but I have little expectations as to how long it will take. I've decided within myself not to be impatient and not to rush things. My body may very well still be healing to a certain extent, not to mention my heart.

I've managed to secure a week of leave in January and I am really looking forward to it. Rudi is nagging me to spend boxing day with Crack Head and his wife wherever it is they are on holiday and I just cannot bear the thought, although I know Rudi will not let it go.

I better get ready. We've been invited for a braai and I still need to put my face on.

Sent from my phone using trutap

*YAWN*

Suddenly my life has become very uninteresting again. I have nothing exciting to share. No news that anybody would want to hear. It's just the ordinary run of the mill every day boring so and so.

Christmas Eve promises to bring some drama with My Evil Mother coming over. She's already sent gifts to place under the tree. She's written the strangest things on some of the cards. I'll have to take photos and post them.

At this point I'll have to say goodbye to the readers who will no longer read because they fall asleep and drool on their keyboard when visiting my blog...I'll miss your stat on the right hand side of the page and comments if you ever left them. Pop back every now and then, you never know which way this tale is going to twist.

A list of stuff

Stolen from Jenty's blog:

Things you’ve already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven’t done and don’t want to - leave in plain font

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland/world

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis.

10. Sang a solo (in the shower)

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables.

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight.

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping.

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language.

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing.

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant.

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.

46. Been transported in an ambulance.

47. Had your portrait painted.

48. Gone deep sea fishing.

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud.

54. Gone to a drive-in theater.

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching.

63. Gotten flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car.

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper.

85. Read the entire Bible.

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox.

89. Saved someone’s life.

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous.

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one.

94. Had a baby.

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone.

99. Been stung by a bee

I'm doing alright today. These cramps are killing me though and it's too hot for a hot water bottle. At least I can drink my potent pain killers. I'm in good spirits today, despite not being pregnant. I cannot focus all my energy on this. It will happen when it is meant to happen. I need to enjoy and live the life that I have now!

Take everything I say with a pinch of salt. I'm up and down like a rollercoaster. I'm seizing the day today though!

An answer

Finally an answer from mother nature. I'm not as disappointed or shattered as I thought I'd be. Suprisingly I'm taking it in my stride. Rudi and I discussed it and decided not to rush things and let nature take it's course again, so I won't be buying the ovulation microscope.
There are positive points to not being pregnant now, especially during the festive season. I'm glad I'm ok.
Using my phone to blog for the first time. I hope it comes out alright.

*sigh*

Still nothing. Totally glad it's Friday though. Soon it will be Monday.

2008 in a nutshell

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Fell pregnant, bought my own Christmas tree and decorations and celebrated a wedding anniversary

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I don't believe in New Year's resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I did.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My son died 2008-11-05.

5. What countries did you visit?
None! Who has money for travel?

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby and more time with family and friends

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
2008-06-11 - The date it was confirmed I am pregnant
2008-10-20 - The date we heard that all was not well with our baby
2008-11-05 - The date we lost our baby

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not losing my mind completely.

9. What was your biggest failure in 2008?
Not managing to pay off ALL my debt.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had morning sickness for more than three months, not technically an illness, but I felt ill every day. Spent some time in hospital.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Christmas tree!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Rudi. He has been my rock. He put up with me when I was unbelievably difficult and still loves me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My Evil Mother, as usual. Jubba too.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Debt and doctor's appointments.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a baby

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
It's difficult to say, but I'm loving Rihanna's Disturbia right now. It stands out.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Sadder.
b) Thinner or fatter? Thinner, strangely enough. Not much, just a few kilos.
c) Richer or poorer? Poorer! I have doctor's bills to pay :(

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Spend time with family, laughing, exercise.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying and swearing.

20. How do you plan on spending Christmas?
Christmas Eve with my family, eating and opening gifts. Christmas Day with the in laws...Don't know what we're doing?

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
No. I stayed in love.

22. How many one-night stands?
None :)

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Survivor!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yes. Jubba.

25. What was the best book you read?
The Dark Tower by Stephen King. Ok, so it's 7 books, but it was AWESOME!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The new Alanis Morissette.

27. What did you want and get?
My favourite perfume.

28. What did you want and not get?
A healthy baby.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Wanted

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I did nothing on my birthday. I was too sick. I was/am 27.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Still being pregnant, earning more money and having my own house!

33. What kept you sane?
My friends and family. Bless them!

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Angelina Jolie

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Obama's victory.

36. Who did you miss?
James.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Sarah and the ladies from the parenting community.

38. Tell us what valuable life lessons you learned in 2008.

I've learned to appreciate your friends and family and to take nothing for granted. I've learned that God has a plan and you have to stick to it, no matter what you want. I've learned that everything really does happen for a reason, even if you don't know what the reason is immediately. I've learned that the world moves on, even though your pain and sorrow lingers. I've learned that life is valuable and you need to enjoy it. I've learned that nobody is invincible. I've learned that more people care than you realize. I've learned that you cannot trust everyone not to talk about you behind your back. I've learned that my husband really loves me deeply and I doubt it too much. I've learned than I am stronger than I thought.

I stole this from Wenchy's blog. Please feel free to steal and link back in the comments!

No show

My cycle is still a no show. It's officially 3 full days late. If it is late. I really don't know what to think. Leebeesa recommended that I drink water (something I loathe to do) as this could assist in kicking in my cycle if it is meant to come. I HATE drinking water, but I suppose it's worth a try and it won't kill me.

If nothing has happened by Monday I'm going to go to have a blood test done. I learnt my lesson with the urine tests, they simply don't work for me! (Well, not as soon as they're 'supposed' to work)

Every time I go to the loo I wonder if it's going to be there. I've gained a kilo, when I was previously pregnant I mysteriously lost 2 kilos...gaining is more consistent with water rentention associated with PMS, isn't it?

*sigh*

Monday is so far off. Mondays aren't generally good days for me though. Maybe I should schedule it for Tuesday...but that is a whole day longer to wait.

FFS. I hate this.

Waiting

So I'm still waiting for my cycle to start. I'm over my regular cycle 'due date' (it's been more than 32 days since the womb scrape) and now I'm just waiting. It's extremely frustrating not to know what's going on. The gynae's receptionist said it usually takes about 4 weeks and it's been almost 5. With that estimation I hoped it would just revert back to my normal cycle length, but it hasn't. Maybe it's just late, but it's very confusing and frustrating for me not to know what is happening.

It's just two days late and since I don't know what to expect I don't want to run to they gynae in a tizz. If I do any kind of pregnancy test I will do it next year when the medical aid has reset. Peeing on sticks has proven a useless waste of time and money...so I won't even go there this time. It will be a blood test and voila. Or if I SERIOUSLY haven't started by next year, I'll go and see the gynae.

I would consider myself the equivalent of a lotto winner if I am pregnant again so soon after losing James.

How to get laid

You will need:

1 x man
1 x 1.5 litre of your favourite wine
2 x wine glasses
1 x movie starring Angelina Jolie
1 x movie starring Charlize Theron
1 x chocolate fondue
1 x punnet of strawberries
1 x punnet of cherries
1 x whipped cream
2 x candles
1 x sexy outfit
Various snacks to your liking



Lay out snacks on platters and set down on the carpet with candles lit. Put on one of the movies and add man. Munch on various snacks and get sozzled using wine.

Don't forget to blow out the candles before moving the party to a different location.

We had a lovely carpet picnic last night. It was really romantic and fun and I would recommend it to anyone. I bought all the snack pre-made so it did cost quite a bit, but if you have some time on your hands and a less nosy husband I'm sure you can make the snacks yourself and save some money.





Why wait for Valentine's Day?

Romantic Evening

I think my cycle is going to start really soon. All the signs are there. I'm moody, my breasts are sore, cramps and the signature blind pimple on my chin. I haven't had a pimple like this in over 6 months. I didn't miss it. I'm trying to steel myself for the arrival of my old friend (who I expect on Monday), although I'm not sure how I will react when it arrives.

A friend on the parenting community suggested a romantic evening with Rudi...after the disaster from the other night it seems like a really good idea. Unfortunately we are both working this weekend, but I'm going to go to the shops after work to buy some goodies for my planned romantic evening.

I'm not 100% sure what kind of food I'm going to buy yet, but I'm definitely going to get red wine, strawberries, cream and chocolate. Then I'll buy some salty snacks (possibly a cheese platter) and other things I know Rudi likes.

Just spoke to him on the phone now and the bugger already suspects something...

Some fun tests

Here are a few fun test stolen from mommanats.

Both of You Wear the Pants

You and your guy seem to have stuck the perfect power balance. It's not that you don't disagree - it's just that you've learned how to compromise well. You're both mature enough to know that you can't always get your way... And usually, you're both adult enough to reach an agreement - even if that sometimes means giving in a little.

Who Wears the Pants... You or Your Guy?

You Are 73% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: Extremely High You're very sexy. You just have that certain something that takes over a room. You know how to attract, entice, and keep whoever you want. You are truly appealing.

How Much Sex Appeal Do You Have?

You Are Sometimes Considered a Hot Chick

While you may not get the most offers in the room, You've got a good thing going - dating wise You could flirt more and dress up a bit to attract more guys But in general, you are doing just fine!

Are You A Hot Chick?

You Are an Afternoon Person

You can find energy any time of the day ... or night! You prefer to be out and about when most other people are. Very early mornings or very late nights aren't really your thing. You're practically solar powered, and the afternoon is when do best.

Are You a Morning Person or Night Person?

What Your Cupcake Says About You

At parties, you tend to be a social butterfly. You enjoy making conversation and making sure everyone is having fun. You hardly have any restraint. You only hold yourself back when absolutely necessary. The most important thing in your life is your significant other. You are laid back, flexible, and easy to get along with. To know you is to care for you.

The Cupcake Test

You Are a Loyal Shopper

You are a very picky shopper and tend to be loyal to a few brands. You are willing to pay extra to buy from a brand you trust. Of all the types, you're the most likely to own many designer items. You don't seek out sales as much as most people... unless it's a sale at your favorite store!

What Kind of Shopper Are You?

There are only a few short questions for each test, it won't take long. Go and do it!

Trying to make babies last night turned into an absolute disaster. I think I'm premenstrual because I was quite obviously moody. Rudi and I ended up fighting from the moment we saw each other until we tired ourselves out and went to sleep. Lots of nasty things were said (mostly to me) and I became progressively more upset. After the baby subject came up I started crying. Rudi told me I'm 'becoming weaker' and 'not being strong about it'. I told him I cannot believe he is carrying on with his life like nothing happened.

I think he felt guilty at some point because he woke me up and asked me if I wanted to try, but I was exhausted after fighting with him and my mood was completely ruined so I turned him down.

Maybe we missed our chance this cycle.

I want..wait...I don't know what I want

I'm still sore today. I don't know whether to be concerned or not. I don't know if this is normal or if there is something wrong. It does feel slightly better than yesterday though, so I'm going to put it off for another day.

I feel like I might still be in a state of shock. Denial. I haven't had a proper cycle since we lost the baby. I think that it will hit me all over again when it comes. It will make everything real again. It will make me 'definitely NOT pregnant'. Sometimes I still feel movements in my lower belly (most likely just wind), but it feels like it felt when James first started moving and for a split second it's like he is not gone, then I realize he is gone and my heart breaks all over again. On the other hand if it doesn't come there might be something wrong, or I might be pregnant again (not impossible, but likely? I don't know.)

I really, really want to be pregnant again, but I am also very afraid of it. Afraid of the prospect and possibilities of complications and having to go through all of this again. I know I can't think like that. I know I need to be positive and trust in God that our baby will be healthy, but as a human being it is difficult for me to trust God unconditionally right now. Last night we heard in service that God will hold his children against his bosom through difficult circumstances and the evangelist that took the service told me he hopes the word helped a little bit last night. It is so indescribably difficult to have faith and trust after what we've been through.

Now I am afraid of what Monday will bring. Either way it's bad news for me emotionally. I tried to phone the doctor's office to find out if I should expect my cycle within the normal cycle length after the womb scrape, but there was no answer. I tried again later and the receptionist said that it should take about 4 weeks for my cycle to start after the womb scrape, but that it could take a bit longer. She said that the pain I am experiencing may be ovulation pains (Where is Rudi when I need him?! Definitely going to get busy tonight, just in case.) Tomorrow it will be exactly a month since I had the womb scrape, so hopefully my cycle will kick in when it's supposed to, unless I'm pregnant again.

I'm so confused. I wish I knew what I wanted. I can't help but think we'll be happy when we're pregnant again...worried, but happy. I could do with a little happiness right now.

What Makes a Mother?

I had a rough day yesterday. I spent a lot of time crying at my desk. At some point I went to the bathroom to try and cry it out, but ended up crying again when I got back to my desk anyway.

I think what made me break down was reading the poem below:

What makes a mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a mother"?
And I know I heard him say.

"A mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a mother,
When your baby is not with you"?

"Yes, you can", He replied
with confidence in his voice
"I give many woman babies,
when they leave is not their choice"

Some I send for a lifetime,
and other for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but theres no need to stay.

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then i saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your childs smile,
with all the other children and say..."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and i'm here".

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through,
And on the day that you come home,
They'll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on Earth may not realise,
You are a mother
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And know that you are the best one"

I found it on the Grief & Loss section of the Parenting Community. I went there to read other people's story and to share mine, but ended up so distraught I didn't post anything. I've written much about James on this blog, I'm sure he'll be remembered by many. I will post his story on the Grief & Loss section as well.

I can't wait to give him a brother or a sister! I know it won't happen immediately and that we will be blessed with another child when the time is right, but I'm impatient. Rudi was lying on my tummy last night and I couldn't help thinking that the baby would be kicking him in the face had he still been there. I'm probably also going to have a tough time dealing with the festive season coming up and other times like when I was supposed to go on maternity leave, my estimated due date (Rudi's birthday) and Mother's Day. A family member who lost her baby after carrying to term has recently given birth to another child. She tried to commit suicide twice after losing her baby and has said that conceiving again helped her with the pain. I know I cannot replace James and that I need to work through my grief, but it's hard to know where to begin, especially since I have never lost a loved one before *touch wood*

Here's to health and fertility!

Christmas is sneaking up on us...

A colleague of mine told me this morning her doctor told her it takes 6 weeks for your body to recover from a pregnancy. So I can only assume that my uterus is aching because it's squeezing back into my pelvis. I wish I could tell it not to bother since I'm hoping it will move back up again soon! (Sorry guy readers, if there are any of you. I'm sure you just love hearing about my uterus)

Rudi seems to be hell bent on my uterus migrating upwards as well. Either that or he is eating oysters on the sly. He has been really frisky of late...I almost want to tell him to save it for when the time is right...but I'm not even sure when that is, so I might as well enjoy indulging him.

My grandfather has decided he wants a denim shirt for Christmas. I really hope I can find one for him. It's difficult finding something that isn't exactly in fashion. I'm going to buy my grandmother the floorwiz mop. She still uses an old spaghetti mop and it's really bad for her back which she already needs further surgery on (which she refuses to go for). My grandfather promised to help her mop the floors if she has a decent mop.

My landlady has left colour samples in our post box (I only received the mail this morning, so I haven't seen them yet) and is sending someone out to do a quotation tomorrow while the housekeeper is there. I can't wait to see the colours she has chosen. I hope these quotations mean they're coming to paint soon!

I better pull finger and go and work!

A little bit of everything

Yesterday was a pretty relaxed day. I overslept so I didn't make it to church. Instead I went back to sleep and we only woke up around 11:45. For us, that's super late! Somehow we end up waking up early on weekends as well. We hate it.

We went to a Portuguese pub called Guzzlers yesterday. An old colleague and friend of my grandfather's plays in a band and they were performing. I must say, for a bunch of old guys they are really good! They play a lot of old music, mostly by a band called 'The Shadows' and some Elvis stuff. After that we went to Uncle Dan and Auntie Mona and had some tea and cake.

The weekend slipped past me. I barely noticed that I was off. I can't wait to get some time off again. I've applied for some leave in January, but it hasn't been approved yet. Hopefully I'll be able to spend those few days with Rudi while he is on leave, although by that time we'll probably be completely broke!

Rudi went to purchase my vitamins for me yesterday. He bought a pregnancy vitamin, folic acid and an omega 3 & 6 supplement. It all cost only R130.00 which is really not bad. Medicine and vitamins can be really expensive. I'm already taking the pregnancy vitamin and folic acid to build up my store for when I fall pregnant again so that the next baby will have everything it needs from conception.

I wish I knew what was going on in my body now. I have strange pains and I'm not quite sure whether my body is still recovering from the previous pregnancy, or whether it's something else. I'm sure it still is. In four days it will be a month since we lost the baby. I'm not sure how long it takes for a uterus to migrate back down into the pelvis. The pain isn't unbearable or anything, it's just there and makes me conscious of those parts of me. I don't think it's necessary to see a doctor or anything. I wonder when I can expect my next cycle to start. Perhaps I should just give my doctor a call and ask him...although I hate doing that. I also need to call my insurance because I need to claim, but I keep putting it off.

I've been thinking about it and I think I know one of the reasons I've gone through what I've gone through. I never used to like children very much. I didn't mind them, but I wasn't overly fond of them and wasn't even sure if I wanted one. Since everything that has happened I have developed an immense compassion for children and the desire for one (or two). It used to tug at my heart strings when I saw children in need or in hospital, now it affects me. The other day on the news they showed a baby who was orphaned. His mother carried him over the border to South Africa (probably in search of a better life), but shortly after that died of cholera and the government was talking about sending the baby back to where it came from. It brought me to tears that the poor child had nobody to care for it or love it and was left all alone in the world. Before that story would just have been another story, now it is heartbreaking for me. Perhaps God wanted to soften my heart towards these defenseless children and wanted me to desire one so that I could appreciate the next one he sends me to the fullest.

My grandfather told me yesterday that he is very excited that we are trying again. He said he was afraid I would be put off after everything that happened. He promised me that he would look after the baby when I had to go back to work. I told him I really hope that we have the baby before him or my grandmother lose their marbles. He thought that was very funny (he has a strange sense of humour that one). We also spoke about other things. One of our retired District Apostles died recently. Everybody was saying how sad it was and my grandfather said he was happy for him. It seems slightly shocking, but he was 96 years old and really couldn't take care of himself. My grandfather said if he ever got to a stage where he could not live a full life anymore he would rather die. He said that if he was on life support he would want us to switch the machines off. Of course the thought of this devastates me because I so dearly love him and my grandmother and I really hope that if that time comes I will have the strength to honour his wishes and not be selfish about it.