Despite my binge on Saturday and my slip up on Sunday I lost 1.2kg last week. It's probably the water I was retaining the previous week plus a little weight loss. I'm happy with the number.
Things got worse last night somehow. When Rudi picked me up from work I gave him a kiss hello and put my hand on his leg as we drove home. A white flag if you will. He ignored these gestures.
As we were meant to go to my grandparents for supper last night, I asked him if he was coming, he refused to go. I went to my grandparents and told them the truth about why he didn't come. My grandfather, being the wise and wonderful man that he is, sent some food for Rudi. When I got home I greeted him and told him my grandparents send their love and some food. I asked him (in a polite tone) whether I should leave it out or put it in the fridge for him. He made a dismissive gesture with his hand and I said 'I'm sorry, I didn't catch that?'. I was then told I forgot to check my attitude at the door.
I went to bed really early last night. I was exhausted from being so distressed all day.
I woke up at 4:30am this morning. Alone. Rudi had slept on the couch for the second night in a row. It is the first time ever he has done this two nights in a row. I made myself a cup of coffee and cried myself back to sleep. Rudi banged on the wall and asked me what the fuck I was crying about. This, of course, only made me cry more.
I made him breakfast this morning. He didn't touch it.
I also got shouted at because I took something out of the freezer for supper tonight. Apparently he told me three times last night that we are going to his parents for dinner. He told me this while I was sleeping. He thought it ridiculous that I could be asleep so early and therefore assumed I was awake and could hear him. He also expected me to take him to work this morning, but since he hadn't discussed this with me at all I had started getting ready too late to make it to work in time.
So when he dropped me at work I waited for a kiss goodbye. With a big sigh I received a half hearted kiss.
I have a feeling that he has decided to leave me, but doesn't have the balls to do it. He is waiting for me to kick him out or to leave him. I'm simply not going to do that. When I made a vow in front of God, I meant it.
~~Our Precious James~~
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18 comments:
argh, it's a terrible time, he's being the same way many guys can be, I think no matter who you're with you're gonna get some of this crap or similar. He's definitely being a jerk, my sympathies!
Look... you have tried.... you have given various white flags.. and he has rejected them... are you going to dinner tonight?
Thanks Anonymous
Wenchy - I can't think of a reason not to, unless I want to resort to his childish behaviour.
Bad friends aside, I have seen this behaviour before with my ex - picking fights etc and it was all used as an excuse to start hanging out with other women (mainly divorced) who felt sorry for him in his 'predicament'. Its also amazing how little the all important marriage vows mean to men when they are trying to justify their actions. Its time to talk seriously with your man if you want to save this relationship. Dont just carry on with dinners out and the normal routine. Communication is all important and you are going to have to be the grown up and initiate the talk.
I cannot speak to someone who doesn't want to speak to me at all, momcat. I am really trying. Waving the surrender flags, asking him to help me save our marriage. He doesn't seem interested at the moment.
I'll talk to you on samoms.
This is all really horrible for you. I'd like to offer advice, but as I said before I'm not sure it would help. From the way you put things, he sounds like he's being really horrible - self-centred, self-indulgent, and cruel - but he can't have always been this way and so we need to try to understand his perspective.
Clearly his friend is stirring and allowing him to think that he's the victim in all of this. There's also a possibility that there's another woman on the scene, or that he's tempted. But let's not think about this for now.
I know you're trying, but you need to think more about your approach. Are you doing anything for attention - for example, crying so loudly that he can hear you through the wall? Should you be doing this? Is this the time for small gestures like asking for kisses or putting your hand on his leg? Have you asked him to sit down and talk with you yet - on neutral territory, preferably, in public where you'll both (and perhaps especially him) need to act more rationally and keep up appearances. Even if he has decided to leave you, that doesn't mean this can't be fixed. If he still loves you - even deep down, if all the resentment/anger etc is too much for him to feel this right now - then it can be fixed. But he does need to work with you on this. There's somethings you need to remember: either he acting entirely irrationally and out of character and has no point in any of this, or between the two of you something needs to be fixed. What can you do to fix this other than to cook him breakfast/put your hand on his knee/ask for kisses which are all surely just ways of trying to patch things up and sweep it under the carpet?
I don't know what to do anymore! I am so frustrated. I'm trying to show him that I am open to talking, to working on things...the more I do it the more he pushes me away and hurts me. I'll ask him to sit down and talk to me tonight, but I doubt he'll go anywhere with me.
Look I'm not saying this is all his fault, perhaps there are things I could/should have done differently. I will admit when I am wrong.
I cannot answer as to whether there is another woman on the scene.
I really think that his friend is stirring and I don't know what to do about it. Him interfering in our marriage is uncalled for and I feel like going to his house and giving him a BIG KLAP! I think that will just make more trouble though. I'm trying to think of how to deal with this without further angering Rudi...but I don't see a way. He needs to budge.
Consider telling him that if he loves you, he needs to agree to talk to you. And it really does need to be outside somewhere - in a cafe/bar where neither of you is drinking. Doing this inside will, I promise you, just lead to more problems.
Good luck. x
I think there are always two sides. It seems to me he needs his space, let him go fish, hang out, he needs to process the events that have had a major impact on your marriage... You search support too and find it with friends around you, he can consider it in the same way as "stirring". I know you are hurting and he is. It's clearly that both are in a situation you do not want, and are fighting against eachother to get what each want. If he didn't love you, Heather, he wouldn't fight you, he'd walk away. His mentions he'd rather be alone then married just means "this situation is too much to bare for me" not "I don't love you anymore".
Honestly, I feel you should allow him his friend, and come to a mutual agreement where you have your friends, and he joins you and he has his and you join him. In your previous blog you mentioned how the "boring guy" wanted to talk to you, maybe it was an outreach, of someone where Rudi poor his heart out to, and tries to fix things, not "mingle to break things". Having declined that might have made Rudi feel helpless as he might feel he's better to communicate with that guy as with you in fight and hoped it would clear up. If I think about it right now, it's a new person he hangs out with, instead of "crackhead", it might have been his way to do an effort for you, because you showed discomfort where he hung out with "crackhead". Declining and invalidating his effort might make him feel "nothing is good".
I might be way off here, and I just want to try to show his current position because you're both feeling misunderstood and left out in this relationship. He'll warm up to you again once the thing that is making him angry and mad with rage out of powerlessness in his position and misunderstood, the same way you are feeling, is outspoken and dealt with in a positive way.
I know you feel yourself left out and are missing things, but there is definatly miscommunication and a difference in expectations and interpretation of how things should be ideally.
It is tough, it's hard, but that man is your man and you are his woman. That wont change. Things will get better, just give it space and time to grow and evolve, be patient...
I have been reading your blog for so long now (yes I know I am a lurker). I am Angels BBF, Gen - I am so sorry that you and Rudi are going thru this right now but like Tim said he is your man and you are his woman - give him some space and ease up abit - You WILL get thru this!
Take Care
Lurker! Be gone! No I lie. Thanks for reading.
I'm going to give him his space. I'm curious to know what he's going to do with it. Other than hurt me.
I cannot guarantee that we are going to make it through this one.
Don't be so negative, you've been through tougher situations :)
You know, mostly bad painful and negative situations and things drive you or even steer you to something better. But you mostly only see that when you look back, not when you're looking up against it or are dealing with it...
It's VERY difficult not to be negative when it seems like he's given up on us.
I think Tim's given some really good advice there - made some really good points. And it's so useful to get a male perspective. I hope he's right.
Ok I haven't read the other comments yet so feel free to tell me I am talking out my ass. I also don;t know you really but here's my completely outside take...
I am sure Rudi is nowhere near perfect, and you guys have been through a LOT. But it seems like you are very hard on each other. You criticize him a lot, his friends, how he diets, what he does etc. I mean calling his friends boring people and crack head is not very nice. It's pretty negative and reflects on your opinion of his choices.
My thinking is that either you guys are going to have to start going easy on each other and allowing each other to be whole people and LIKE each other, or this is just going to keep going South.
You need to be whole and happy ON YOUR OWN, and so does he, before you guys can be whole or happy together.
I hope that makes some sense to you...?
Else just tell me to fuck off, m'kay? ;)
hugs girl... i have no advice for you, but i'm thinking about you.
JaneW - I find it difficult to name people. Maybe I should rename them...but I find it even more difficult to come up with NICE names for them, seeing as how I cannot think of anything I like about them.
Maybe it's a difference in Rudi's and my upbringing. I was raised in a staunch Christian home and we have different values. I value things like going to church and I don't enjoy going to places where I feel uneasy - usually places like pubs.
Rudi loves going to pubs, he enjoys playing pool and darts and this is usually where he meets his friends. I don't NEVER go with him and I wasn't always an angel...I've done my fair share of getting drunk and being stupid.
He likes a different kinds of people than I do. He chooses to hang around with people I would rather not hang around with. I don't keep him from doing this though...so I don't see why it should be a problem. He doesn't like my friends either and I don't force him to hang around with them.
Angel: Thanks :)
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