pregnancy week by week

Monday, 16 February 2009

It feels like... marriage is ending. Rudi and I have been at each other's throats every weekend for weeks now. Our weekend seemed to be going well yesterday until I got home from visiting a friend.

He completely lost his mind. When I saw him like this before the fight we had had escalated to the point where he became unpredictably angry. Last night he was at this point almost immediately.

He had gone fishing with Boring Person in the morning and ended up going there after the fishing trip. This was predictable enough. He was supposed to 'have it out' with him about the comments he had made the previous weekend. I called him as I left the movie I went to see with Leebeesa and discovered he was there (although he had said he was going to Crack Head's house after fishing). Apparently Crack Head had to go to hospital with his baby. Rudi then asked me to join him at Boring Person's house. Naturally I refused. He said that Boring Person wanted to speak to me and I told him I was not interested in anything he had to say.

When I got home naturally I asked him what Boring Person had said, curious to know why he had so easily forgiven him. Then he blew his top. All sorts of accusations were thrown at me. About how I am always miserable and he has to answer to his friends about it. About how his friends are never good enough and I always have a problem with them. About how he can't go out and enjoy his day because he anticipates a call or SMS from me nagging him. About how he would rather die than continue to be unhappy like this.

He then asked me where the sleeping tablets are (the gynae had prescribed some after we lost our baby) and started taking them. Initially he took two, then another three ad as the fight escalated wanted to take two more. I took the last two, not only to prevent him from taking them, but because I knew he would sleep on the couch and that would keep me awake. I threatened to call his mother, which followed with threats from him to smash my (new) phone and leave. I've seen him smash a phone I didn't call his mother - whom I think had full right to know he was talking about and trying to kill himself.

In reality I don't really think that he wanted to kill himself. I think he was trying to stage drama for me to be upset. I would have done something much more reliable like slitting his wrists if he REALLY wanted to kill himself. So he's crying out for help.

Apparently he doesn't have enough freedom. Apparently I am too clingy and expect too much. Apparently I don't approve of any of his friends and I am a stuck up bitch. Apparently I am always miserable. Apparently everything is my fault I make him want to die.

I don't think that we're going to make it at this rate. He has made it clear that I make him unhappy. In fact, he's made it clear that he would rather be single, that is the life that he seems to want to live.

We didn't speak this morning. He sent me an SMS saying 'I'm sick and tired of this shit. I think I should leave'.

I replied saying 'Your solution to everything is to run away. You don't want to work on it so I don't know what to do either. I really think we should go for counselling, but you don't want to. If you don't want to work on our marriage, I can't do anything about it. I cannot fix it alone'

He can file divorce if he wants it that badly.


Anonymous said...

:( that really sucks, how long have you guys been together, how old is he? losing a baby breaks up alot of marriages, always read about this.

How were things between you guys before you got pregnant, did you fight alot then? maybe you're not that compatible.... if things were good before the pregnancy then maybe you need to go back to how things were, losing a spouse is worse than losing a baby that you never got to know, maybe that needs to be put to rest, out of your guys thoughts. It's natural it would change you, maybe you did become more clingy (because you've been through such a hard shitty time its understandable) so you needed the emotional support, but it's just as hard on the guy, maybe he cant be reminded of it anymore.

acidicice said...

We have been together for almost 8 years and married for almost two.

I also think the loss of our child has something to do with it, but he will never admit it. I think we should go for counselling, but he refuses.

I have no idea what to do.

Anonymous said...

acidice ((((hug)))
i think he needs to go to counselling with you - he is not handling his emotions at all well and so is taking it out on you - you both need to support each other - you have all the hormones running around your body and the physical loss and he sounds like he cant handle the emotional grief - i do feel for you - but he needs to wise up and stop being immature - taking it out on you

Wenchy said...

You already know my thoughts... thinking of you. x

Anonymous said...

and ps not taking your side when his "friends" say bad things about you is also not on and personally i think this is very mature - if he cant defend you as his wife then frankly, you deserve better - you have both been through a terrible time and need to look after each other not tear each other apart - he needs to wise up - pronto!

Anonymous said...

Forget his friends that you don't like for now. Forget everything everyone brings to this that complicate things. You don't need to be thinking about the rights and wrongs of trivial things when there's so much else on the line. I have two pieces of advice for you: the first is to think very carefully about blogging about this. There's every possibility that we're helping you to either blow off steam that could go into something constructive, or that we're not helping you by giving you advice based upon only what you, not also Rudy, says. The second piece of advice I can give you is to start listening to him - and to ask yourself how much of what he says is true. You have been together for a long time - you can come through this. But you need to do it together and you need to do it one step at a time. Start by being conciliatory with him - start by acknowledging that some of the things that he says are true. This should hopefully get him to start listening to you and what you have to say - and for this you need to decide what the most important points are. As I said, forget the trivial things. Over time, you can maybe work on these, but things are much more serious now and are at breaking point. You have to make a decision about what you want to do and it won't help you to play the victim. Think about what Rudy would say if he had his own blog - he's already given you enough to start working with. Do you think it's fair on either of you to only be getting advice on one side of things that's likely to reinforce the injustice etc that you're thinking.

I'll be thinking of you. Do what's right. And do what you have to do. You can do this. x

AngelConradie said...

oh man... i really hope you can get him to go to counselling with you, it sounds like he needs help deciding where his priorities lie...