So things were better last night. I didn't sleep alone. As soon as we got in the car the air cleared. Rudi drove directly to his parent's house so I went with him to dinner. I didn't pretend everything is OK, but I didn't say or do anything that implied things weren't.
This morning in the car however things went pear shaped again. We were chatting about general stuff and Rudi mentioned their weekend fishing trip that is scheduled for the end of the month. I said I was not going and Rudi flipped his lid saying I was 'starting again' and that he expected me to talk things out with Boring Person and that he thinks I'm being childish by not agreeing to do so.
So I mulled it over and decided that I would be mature about it. I sent him a SMS after arriving at work today and told him to call Boring Person to set up drinks on Friday night so that we could talk. He hasn't replied to this SMS, but I've put the ball in his court. I will listen to Boring Person's reasoning and then make clear to him how I feel about things. I will also make it clear to him that he is not to disrespect me or our relationship again if he wants us to be friends. I don't think that is unreasonable. I hope this will appease Rudi and show him I am willing to make and effort.
We went for our walk last night and for a change I didn't nearly drop dead. I did, however, wear the wrong kind of shoes and the balls of my feet still hurt. I won't make THAT mistake again! While we were walking we had some time to talk. Rudi still does not want to go for counselling. I have no idea how to convince him otherwise. He still feels like there are not any problems in our marriage. Of course I disagree and feel that counselling can only do some good. He reckons that we would have to go for counselling only if we were fighting every night and had trouble making things right. I asked him if he would consider going for counselling if I went first. I asked him if he would go if my counsellor would like to see him. He still said no, saying it was a waste of money.
So. I am going to make a concerted effort and do what I can from my side. I'm going to be a grown up about it and suck it up. Lead by example.
I can only work on myself and make myself better. Rudi will hopefully see the effort that I make and appreciate it for what it is.
~~Our Precious James~~
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13 comments:
The only person you can change is yourself.
I did mos say that :oP
"I will also make it clear to him that he is not to disrespect me or our relationship again"
Try not to go there with that thought in mind. Go there with an open mind without knives drawn or pamper it in soft words. Trust me :)
"He still feels like there are not any problems in our marriage."
Well this has to be an improvement on earlier this week. Then you were thinking that he'd made up his mind to leave you. It also sounds like you're making slow progress with talking and with his not acting crazy like earlier in the week.
Good luck with everything from here x
Good Luck with the next step - hope it works for you - Just take it easy and go with an open mind - bite your tongue if you have to....don't stoop to his level!!! Take Care!
Gen
Tim - thanks for the advice
oinkoinkoink - Thanks. It seems him and I think COMPLETELY differently and misinterpret each other's actions quite often!
Gen - Thank you. I'm going to do my best! Will definitely blog about it! Nice to see you de-lurking again :)
Tim gives good advice. Counselling is not the only way to resolve problems/issues, a counsellor is a stranger after all and you know each other well, ya'll just need to sit n talk things through one day without getting upset over anything said, or to just both make the effort to be nice everyday and eventually things will come back to normal.
Also, I think your spouse's friend is entitled to their opinion, they are Rudy's friend, it's not your friend who is making comments about you. I hate my bf's husband n she knows it, but it doesnt make a diff between her and I. Not everyone in the world clicks or likes each other, he sent Rudy the sms about you, he didnt send it to you to insult you. Rudy shouldnt have even told you what it said.
Tim is a legend.
I don't think it's OK for him to make negative comments about me to Rudi. It's not his place.
Rudi felt comfortable telling me what he said because he feels he can tell me anything.
The old principle is still valid. If you don't have anything nice to say - don't say anything at all.
thinking of you.
just a thought- perhaps suggesting grief counselling i.s.o. marriage counselling?
its truly the hardest thing on this planet to lose a child...
I know what you mean, angel, but Rudi will maintain that he is 'over it' and 'only thinks of it now and then'. He's all macho about it and won't admit he is hurting. I wish he would reach out to me so I could support him. Maybe he is still stuck in the denial phase. I have moved on from that one. I am still stuck in the bargaining phase 'If I just get pregnant really soon I'll be OK' kind of thing.
You can only do so much. and as Wenchy said, the only person you can change is you.
Glad things are better.
i have been reading your blog for a bit and i felt that i should say something- not to hurt you, but just a different response to get you thinking.
firstly- your macho man wont feel the same about your darling baby as you do- its different for mommies. trust me, i have been there.
then- my mom taught me something after i got married, what happens in your marriage between you and your man is between the two of you. imagine if you opened a blog one day and your man was going on about your private relationship, how awful your friends are and what a misery you always are. it would really hurt you. good things- blog away- bad things? well, it should stay between the two of you especially since we only read your side and have no idea how he is feeling- everyone thinks your man is a prick, but no one knows his side of the story. its not really fair is it?
then lastly- you are so miserable. you hardly ever say anything positive and you moan constantly, perhaps you need to see someone on your own. i think you have the potential to be so happy and make such a success of your life and be a really good mom, but you gotta give up the misery- misery afterall keeps company.
good luck and just try to be more positive. let love and light in.
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