I want..wait...I don't know what I want

I'm still sore today. I don't know whether to be concerned or not. I don't know if this is normal or if there is something wrong. It does feel slightly better than yesterday though, so I'm going to put it off for another day.

I feel like I might still be in a state of shock. Denial. I haven't had a proper cycle since we lost the baby. I think that it will hit me all over again when it comes. It will make everything real again. It will make me 'definitely NOT pregnant'. Sometimes I still feel movements in my lower belly (most likely just wind), but it feels like it felt when James first started moving and for a split second it's like he is not gone, then I realize he is gone and my heart breaks all over again. On the other hand if it doesn't come there might be something wrong, or I might be pregnant again (not impossible, but likely? I don't know.)

I really, really want to be pregnant again, but I am also very afraid of it. Afraid of the prospect and possibilities of complications and having to go through all of this again. I know I can't think like that. I know I need to be positive and trust in God that our baby will be healthy, but as a human being it is difficult for me to trust God unconditionally right now. Last night we heard in service that God will hold his children against his bosom through difficult circumstances and the evangelist that took the service told me he hopes the word helped a little bit last night. It is so indescribably difficult to have faith and trust after what we've been through.

Now I am afraid of what Monday will bring. Either way it's bad news for me emotionally. I tried to phone the doctor's office to find out if I should expect my cycle within the normal cycle length after the womb scrape, but there was no answer. I tried again later and the receptionist said that it should take about 4 weeks for my cycle to start after the womb scrape, but that it could take a bit longer. She said that the pain I am experiencing may be ovulation pains (Where is Rudi when I need him?! Definitely going to get busy tonight, just in case.) Tomorrow it will be exactly a month since I had the womb scrape, so hopefully my cycle will kick in when it's supposed to, unless I'm pregnant again.

I'm so confused. I wish I knew what I wanted. I can't help but think we'll be happy when we're pregnant again...worried, but happy. I could do with a little happiness right now.