Wednesday, 19 November 2008

The Difference

My second day at work definitely went better than the first day. For one thing I forgot to bring a new box of tissues, but I managed not to cry. All this despite the fact that someone came to me and spoke to me about the whole thing directly. His wife found out she was pregnant shortly after I did, so we were comparing milestones and such. I've always like him...I think I even might have had a crush on him at some point. He's a really nice guy, but I managed not to cry in front of him, even though I wanted to. He had his own theory about the soul of the baby and why it left us. It's nice to hear other points of view.

This is such a weird place to be in. I was going to be a parent...and now I'm not. I was going to be a mother...and now I'm not. My entire life was going to change...and now it hasn't. There was all this expectation and build up...and now...nothing. Just sadness and heartache.

The only thing that has really changed is my focus and how other people are towards me. People treat me like I am a fragile now, which I suppose I am at the moment and I don't mind it. Rather that than someone (like Jubba) saying the wrong thing to me and me being fired for stabbing him with the scissors on my desk.

I never wanted a baby before. Now I'm thinking perhaps I'll have two. I've also learned to be VERY careful what you wish for. It haunts me that I used to say 'I've always wanted to be pregnant, I've just never wanted a baby', because that's exactly what I got. Pregnancy without a baby. This is of course before I knew what hell pregnancy would be for me, during the time I was still buying into the smiling faces on the pregnancy magazines. I have been very careful not to say "I want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant", because I would love to have my own healthy baby.

I've become slightly more tolerant of seeing pictures of babies and seeing baby things, but not comfortable as yet.

I really hope I fall pregnant before the other people at work that are currently pregnant have their babies. I think I would feel better if it happened that way, but I shouldn't set my heart on anything either. I can just hope and pray that we conceive again quickly and that the next baby is meant to stay with us.

Oh dear. So much for not crying at work.

I'm helping out in another department since they have a bit of a backlog. A change is as good as a holiday they say. Better get back to work before they think I think I am on holiday!

5 comments:

mommanats said...

Hi H. Left you a comment on YPC as well. I tagged you for a charititable meme (giving a bit always makes me feel good).

So just go here - http://mommanats.wordpress.com/2008/11/19/pedal-to-the-medalfor-charity/

and memefy!!

Cheereo!!

Roxanne said...

Crying at work is the hardest, crying anywhere other than home in fact sucks. Sometimes it just has to come out though, so don't ever feel like shouldn't cry.

As for the self-prophesying statement, it's very, very dangerous to allow those thoughts in. No matter what you may have said, I refuse to believe that the universe could ever be as cruel to make something like that ever come true. I have said a number of things, from wishing I could die to wishing that people could just go away... saying is one thing, but really meaning it is another.

I know that a lot of things are going through your head, and it's hard to not question everything we may have thought or done, but just don't let those thoughts cause you more pain!

I hope each day back at work is a bit easier, and that the healing process (helped with wine!) is coming along steadily. :-)

Rox

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

i hope you fall pregnant asap too...

ps: you ARE a mother, no matter what you think....you're also meant to be a mommy, i firmly believe this!

mommanats said...

I agree with ExMi. The fact that you loved that child (for better or worse) and that you made that VERY hard decision in your son's interest makes you a mom!!!

You have got all the credentials necessary for a good mother. Who knows we might be pregnant together seeing as I am screwing the living daylights out of my husband (he is obviosly not complaining) to have a baby soon.

Good luck to both of us and cheers to loads of sexy times!!!

acidicice said...

Rox: Eish that's so hard. I'm trying my best not to blame myself and make it more difficult than it already is. You should not be encouraging my drinking! Next thing I'll be an alcoholic and then what?!

Exmi: Thanks babes. I still have to convince myself of this. I feel like a complete failure.

Nats: Good luck to both of us then! I know I made a hard decision and everything...but it's SO difficult to believe I did the right thing although EVERYTHING points in that direction.

I'm just a confused mess.