Tuesday, 26 May 2009

+/-0kg

OK. So I cheated a little with my weigh in this morning. When I first stepped on the scale it said I had gained 1.2kg. I refused to believe it and got on again. +600g. Stepped on again, no gain, no loss. Stepped on again, no gain, no loss. I weighed like 5 times consecutively and 3 out of those 5 it said no gain, no loss. I think that wins, OK?

I really wish the side effects of the cortisone injection I got would go away. I'm still suffering from insomnia, wake up with heartburn every morning and am starving ALL THE TIME. I'm hungry right now. I had a slice of toast at around 6AM. It's 2 hours and 10 minutes later and I feel like I haven't eaten for an entire day. It's SO difficult because I'm trying to avoid eating so that I don't screw up my weight loss, but I'm HUNGRY! The doctor also warned that I might retain water. Yesterday I drank my full water quota (1.5 litres) and I only went to the loo twice. That's unusual, so it must still be hanging around somewhere in my body. Although...I totally have PMS so weight gain, water retention and hunger all come along with that as well.

Also, my left wrist is really sore. When I had German measles in 2007 all my joints ached so that I could barely walk. Sometimes my ankles still hurt, but since yesterday its been my left wrist. It's difficult to lift things and stuff. Plus my muscles in my back are starting to ache like they did before and I'm kind of worried that I'm getting sick again. Maybe I'm still getting better. Who knows?

I still need to decide where to get my tattoo. I thought I had decided to put it under the butterfly I already have, but quite a few people have said they don't think that's a good idea. My (conservative) grandfather included! My grandfather feels that it is a commemorative tattoo and if the intention is that I am to be reminded of James that I should have it somewhere where I can see it. He suggested the inside of my arm, but I'm not fond of that. I told him that I had considered having it done on my wrist and he thought that a good idea. Sarah also suggested my wrist, as did Leebeesa. Consensus seems to be that it would be a good place to have it. Rudi didn't like the idea at first, but conceded last night that it would be a good spot. Wenchy recently had a Yin Yang symbol tattooed on her wrist so I asked her how much it hurt...apparently it hurts a lot. *shrug* I suppose it can't be worse than induced labour.

3 more sleeps till George!

Monday, 25 May 2009

8 things (meme)

I was tagged by Angel who was tagged by LauraKim.

This seems to be a difficult meme...but I'm going to try.


8 things I’m looking forward to

1. Our trip to George this weekend

2. Being debt free

3. Spending my pay with reckless abandon

4. Meeting Nellie, Goliath and Daniel

5. Placing my next Body Thrills order

6. Getting a new electric toothbrush

7. Dinner with my grandparents at the restaurant of my grandfather's choice after George

8. Being a mother




8 things I did yesterday

1. I worked

2. Had Brad and Sarah over for a visit

3. Escalated a network problem for another portfolio that I had no idea about!

4. Tweeted

5. Watched 'The Biggest Loser OZ'

6. Ate WAY too much and regretted it

7. Went to Spar and handed over money I didn't have yet

8. Took a sleeping tablet after tossing and turning for too long




8 things I wish I could do

1. Get pregnant

2. Lose another 27 kilograms

3. Do voice overs/IVR recordings and get paid for it

4. Make my grandparents healthy

5. Leave a legacy

6. Be famous or even infamous

7. Take beautiful photographs

8. Get My Evil Mother the help she needs




8 shows I watch on TV

1. Survivor

2. Amazing Race

3. The Apprentice

4. CSI: Las Vegas

5. 7de Laan

6. Criminal Minds

7. Desperate Housewives

8. My Name is Earl




8 people I’m tagging

1. Tertia

2. ExMi

3. Darla

4. camera_obscura

5. Husbands Anonymous

6. Because I Can

7. Nuffing

8. Jenty

Sunday, 24 May 2009

$ Money makes me happy $

I am in a fantastic mood today. I wish I could feel like this every day. I wish EVERYONE could feel like this every day! I must confess that it is my shallow self that has me beaming.

It's bonus month at The Company this month. We get 4 a year. Yes. One every three months. Don't hate. We work hard! I also managed to wrack up quite a few hours of overtime which was all approved at once and voila!

$$$

No doubt that I will be broke halfway through next month...but I will be broke with no debt, a lot more savings, a new tattoo and just general happiness! I've done some calculations and I'll even be able to pay off my half of the TV that we bought last month!

Our payslips were only put online yesterday...and I already went and bought two pairs of shoes after work. Pffft. Money burns holes in my pocketses! I think it would be an awesome idea to save on my credit card, but my credit card is WAY too easily whipped out and swiped. That's what I did yesterday. Swiped the card in anticipation of getting paid tonight. I'll stick to my 32 day account where I have to give an entire month notice. Much safer.

I've also promised my grandfather anything he wants for his birthday (it may be his last, after all) and invited them to a dinner at a restaurant of his choice after we come back from George.

I love being able to do this! I hope that everyone finds themselves in this position at some time in their lives. Even if it's only one time. Pity money can't buy a pregnancy.

Saturday, 23 May 2009

I saw the sign

It was amazing. It was like a sign.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about and planning getting my tattoo. I worked out my budget, decided where I wanted it and how big I wanted it to be. I saved it on a memory stick and planned to get a quote for it as soon as possible. I even decided I'd have it done soon after we come back from George.

Yesterday around two the doctor called and advised me that I could pick up my prescription, he had left it at his practice for me. I was hoping they'd fax it to the pharmacy near my house, but they didn't. Rudi picked Lindor up from work and we went on our way to fetch my sleeping tablets. Lindor usually insists on stopping at a bottle store very close to where I work so they can have a beer - yes, in the car. It irritates me to no end, but for some reason he didn't say anything yesterday. It just annoys me that having a beer is *that* urgent. It can freaking wait as far as I'm concerned. It's also not as if it only happens on a Friday. Any day we give him a lift home a stop at the first bottle store is mandatory. Anyway, since we had to go to the doctor's office I suggested we stop at a small bottle store on the way there.

Low and behold, at the very same bottle store at the very same time was the guy who had re-done my current tattoo. I haven't seen him since he re-inked me and that was at least 4 years ago. He had a look at my tattoo and said he wants to do the purple over. You can see the photo of my current tattoo here. Tristan added the flowing 'tails' to the wings as well. He gave me his number and said he'd be happy to do it for me. Suddenly I am super excited. I would have done it yesterday if I could!

Sherbet. I haven't touched my work yet. I guess I better get going if I want to get out of here at a reasonable hour!

Friday, 22 May 2009

Next week will be exciting!

I’m feeling slightly better today. I managed to get in another good night’s rest last night after taking my last sleeping tablet. I just called the doctor and the receptionist has said she will ask him to call me back. He’s only in until 11AM today and I only called him around 10:30, so I hope he gets around to calling me back and will write a prescription for me. I’m also really hungry all the time, which is something the doctor did warn me about, but I’m doing my best to keep that under control with sheer will power. As if I have a lot of that. I am just trying to keep my 9kg loss in mind and hoping I don’t mess it up! I’ve brought my water with to work and already finished more than half of it. I can’t exercise as yet…my cough is still lingering and I become tired and short of breath very easily, so I’ll keep that on the back burner for a while.

I finished my antibiotics and no longer seem to need any pain medication as my muscle aches have subsided to an acceptable level. I still reach for the cough mixture or inhaler every now and then, but I’m using these less and less. Now if my appetite would subside, I could sleep like I need to and I could have my energy back I would once again be a happy camper.

Yesterday I intended to make a few lists. A shopping list, a list of things to be packed when we go to George next weekend…eventually I decided to make a list of lists I need to make, but as you may have noticed yesterday was a write off for me. I need to make a list of things to pack for George because I always end up forgetting *something* important. When I told Rudi I want to make a shopping list he said ‘We need everything’. No we don’t! I want to make a list of everything we specifically need plus a few items like a new electric toothbrush I want for myself.

Two more things have me excited. On Monday when I get paid I will be paying off the pathologist bill that I would only have finished paying in November had I stuck to the scheduled payments. After paying almost R2500.00 in the last two months the outstanding balance is less than R900.00. I will also be paying off everything *I* owe on my second credit card. I will be DEBT FREE save my car and our new TV (of which I am only paying half – around R2500.00.

What will I do to celebrate? I’m going to get my new tattoo. I’m pretty sure I’ll have enough money left over once I’ve paid everything. I’ve decided to have the following one done below the butterfly I already have on my right shoulder (it will be between 5 and 6 centimetres across):



I know the starting price for tatoos where I will have it done is R350.00. I think they will most likely charge around R500.00 to do it for me as it's not huge and not very intricate. I'm not sure if they will ask an extra fee because the design is not their own, but they shouldn't. I'll most likely only have it done when we return from George after next weekend.

I can't wait! Pay day, freedom from debt, a trip to George and then my tattoo!

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Emo

I feel so emo today. It’s not anybody’s fault. I suppose it’s just a culmination of things that have made me feel distraught and inconsolable.

I had the day off work today. The Company was nice enough to make allowance for us to observe Ascension Day today. Last night Rudi went to play darts. I asked him very nicely not to wake me when he got home as I am already having trouble sleeping and would have taken my second last sleeping tablet. I didn’t know if I would be able to get back to sleep if I was disturbed. He woke me up anyway.

This morning I went to church, after which my grandmother picked up My Evil Mother for work and we went off to the supermarket where I bought some things to make a nice dinner for Rudi. I managed to sleep for about 30 minutes this afternoon, but my much needed nap was rudely interrupted by a phone call from work which I rejected. The damage was done though.

Shortly after this my grandfather called. He had gone for another colonoscopy today. It was a routine check up after his operation last year in which they removed about 10 centimeters of his colon. They found an abnormality. They took a sample and have sent it away for testing. It could be more cancer. It seems I will need to start facing the fact that my grandfather is not going to be with us much longer. I never expected it to turn out this way. My Oupa was meant to be around to see my baby.

At some stage during the day I was looking for something for heartburn – one of the many tablets I’m taking at the moment seems to cause it. While shuffling through our cupboards I came across the positive pregnancy test I had taken last year, like I wasn’t feeling sad enough already. The longing for a baby has been coming back rather strongly lately, very strongly. I can’t deny it anymore. As hard is it seems to be to just get pregnant, other negative thoughts have been creeping into my mind. Getting pregnant is only half the battle won; there are still a million things that could go wrong after conception has taken place. You have to get pregnant first though…and that seems to be proving much more time consuming that I would have liked.

So to distract myself I set about cooking supper. I made some chicken, roast vegetables and baby potatoes with garlic butter. Elaborate for me. Rudi usually cooks, but seeing as how I was at home I thought I would treat him. Rudi came home on time and upon seeing the meal I prepared for him he looked at me expectantly and said ‘What’s for pudding?’

Snap. That did it.

I went from zero to bitch in 0.2 seconds.

I just feel like crying. I’m still exhausted. My sleeping tablets are finished. Turns out they’re a schedule 5 drug and the doctor was not in today for me to call to ask for a script. I lay in Rudi’s arms for a while and cried a bit. He hates it when I cry. It frustrates him. He’s never really known how to handle it properly. He asked what the matter is, but the truth is I don’t want to talk about it. I would just start crying and that would just make him feel more helpless. He can’t fix it. He can’t say anything to make it better. He can’t change it.
I find that when I am in dire emotional need I have friends that are there for me. Friends, who are willing to help and do almost anything, Leebeesa for instance, when I was in hospital last year I swear I could have asked her for anything and she would have been prepared to do it, the problem is, when you’re THAT down and out, there is nothing anyone can say or do that can make things better. This is no fault of theirs. You’re inconsolable. That’s simply what it is to be inconsolable.

Lately I find that the internet has been a great source of comfort for me. My blog: an outlet like no other. Twitter, a stream of consciousness, constant support and people who care. Your Parenting Community…wonderful women on there. I’m not sure what would have happened to me if I didn’t have these people and these things in my life.

I do not know if I would have made it. Thank you, every single person who has reached out to me, who has acknowledged me…who has spared me a gesture, a thought, a comment, a prayer, a tweet, a call or an SMS. Even if you are only reading this, I might not have been able to blog today had it not been for YOU.

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

A good nights rest - Priceless

I'm back at work today, with no impending doctor's visit.

I took a sleeping pill last night and slept like a baby! When I woke up this morning I felt like a NEW PERSON. I never realized what a huge impact sleep deprevation had on me. Last night I still felt very weak and felt like I didn't even have enough energy to raise my arm, let alone myself. Even Rudi was taken aback by how chirpy I was this morning. If he could tell the difference and actually commented on it - it's vast! I'm still coughing quite a bit today, but I'm hoping that this is just my body ridding itself of whatever is left on my lungs.

Speaking of noticing differences...I'm SO happy that I've lost 9kg, but I really still feel like I look the same as I did 9kg ago. Wenchy wrote about the same kind of thing. She's lost over 20kg already, but didn't feel like it was making a difference to her appearance. I know that I must look better, but I really don't see it myself. Nobody really comments on my weight loss anymore since all the people I see I see almost every day. I'm sure if I ran into someone I haven't seen for 3 months they'd say 'WOW'.

I can't believe that we are going to George next weekend already! We've been planning and waiting for so long now that it seems impossible that the time has arrived! I spoke to Nellie this morning and they are just as excited! I'm working this weekend so it will be a lovely break!

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

-1kg

I’ve been booked off work again today. Hopefully it will be the last time for a while. I’m feeling really run down and exhausted and so sick of taking pills it’s not funny anymore. The doctor said I’m starting to feel so tired because my body has been deprived of oxygen for so long now. Even a simple task like drying my hair has me feeling like I’m going to keel over. My chest was actually worse when I saw him yesterday than it was when I saw him a week ago. I told him straight that I’m not a lightweight and he’s going to need to bring out the heavy drugs in order to fix me. So I got a cortisone shot last night and a course of expensive antibiotics. If I’m not feeling better by Friday they’re going to have to do blood tests to see what is wrong with me. This morning my chest is feeling slightly less wheezy, but I’m still feeling quite weak and my muscles are still aching. I’ll rest again today as much as I can and take on the world tomorrow.

I think I figured out why the doctor took so long to fix me. He mentioned yesterday he used to be a pharmacist. No wonder he only gave me over the counter medication the first time I saw him! My regular GP usually whips out the antibiotics first thing. My regular GP is not nearly as friendly and doesn’t take the time to explain things as his colleague does, but he is close to retirement age and I’m going to have to find a competent replacement for him sometime soon.

The doctor has forbidden me to conceive while I’m on the antibiotics and after having the cortisone shot. He wanted to do a blood test to be sure I’m not pregnant before giving me the medication, but I assured him that I only just started ovulating and that I doubted there was any chance of conception already. I guess it will be abstinence for a while yet.

SO! I’ve lost 9kg so far! NINE! Honestly when I started this journey, 9 was never a number I thought I could get to. If I lose 4 more kilos I’ll beat my all time record of 13 lost in one go. I must say that lately the effort has not been much from my side. My appetite has gone for a loop since I’ve been sick and I’ve only really eaten small amounts to facilitate taking my medication. I just need to make sure that I maintain the weight loss once I’m well and get my butt into gear to lose more!

I haven’t been sleeping very well. I’ve either been too hot, coughing or very restless. This has also probably been contributing to my fatigue. Last night I lay staring at the ceiling coming up with a thousand ideas for a blog post. It would take me all day to write…and you all day to read, so I’ll spare you.

*yawn* I hope I can manage to get back to sleep now.

Monday, 18 May 2009

Frustrated!

I am incredibly frustrated at the moment. Oh hello! I'm back at work and feeling worse than I did last week. My chest still hasn't cleared and last night my glands decided to swell up. I thought my head would explode this morning. The medication I'm on is making me feel very weird and nauseous. I've been crying the whole morning (even in my boss' office) because I just feel so useless. My body is failing me and I want to scream!

I've been off for almost a full week and I'm starting to worry that it might be something serious. I keep having flashes of me collapsing...or ending up in hospital. Alarm bells are going off in my head, but I keep downplaying it because I fear I might be overreacting. I don't remember every being sick for so long. It's been two weeks since I started displaying symptoms.

I'm making another doctor's appointment today. I want to see *my* doctor. He better fix me. I can't take it anymore.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

-800g

Good news, I lost 800g which puts my total weight loss at 8kg. Yay!
Bad news? I went back to the doctor and I have bronchitis. I've been given an inhaler and all sorts of medication. The doctor booked me off till Thursday provisionally, but said I should call for an extension if necessary. Sorry if this post isn't nicely spaced, but I'm posting from my phone. I now have to take 14 tablets every morning. Eish. I'm going to get some rest!

Saturday, 09 May 2009

My new style

So off I went to the hairdresser this morning, flu and all. She evened out my colour for me and I finally took the plunge and decided to cut a fringe. Drastically changing the colour just wasn't enough.

Here are the results:




I think it came out really nicely! I was very skeptical about cutting a fringe. I don't flat iron or blow dry my hair at all. I'm a wash and go kind of girl, but it really only takes two minutes to blow dry this fringe (I did it myself at the hairdresser so she could give me pointers if needed) and I think it really looks nice.

I'm done changing my hair now. Promise!

UPDATE:

I browsed back to exactly a year ago in my blog and found this entry. Co-incidence? I think not.

Friday, 08 May 2009

Help me choose my tattoo!

So I've decided to follow Angel's advice and am rather having my tattoo done in English as I could never really tell what was being permanently etched onto my skin in a foreign script. After googling 'James' in Chinese lettering I found symbols completely different from the ones we saw at the tattoo parlour. Rather safe than sorry!

So I received an e-mail from SAMoms (a Yahoo group I am part of) which led me to this site which has endless fonts for tattoos. I have chosen three fonts which I like, but haven't settled on a particular one. Help me choose! The size varies in these pics, but the website allows you to enlarge the fonts as well. Drop me a comment and tell me which one you like!

1.
2.
3.

Although this is not a democracy, I'm sure I could be swayed by number of votes to get a certain one. So send your friends here to choose their favourite too and drop me a comment!

I've been booked off sick today. I was feeling terrible yesterday and made an appointment to see the doctor after work. I went to see a new doctor since my regular GP was away. He was SUCH a nice man. Very personable, polite and friendly. I might even go to him again. He says I am developing flu, but don't need to worry about menangitis or anything serious. He gave me some medicine for my symptoms, booked me off for today and sent me on my merry way. I feel a little worse today, but the medicine is helping. It always gets worse before it gets better hey. The doctor gave me something called Empacod, the pharmacist said 'This has Codeine in it, so it will make you feel lekker (nice)'. I usually take Adcodol so I'm familiar with Codeine and it's never really done anything for me, but these tablets have given me a *slight* buzz. Nice.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment. I hope my hairdresser can even out the colour and give me a nice cut. I'm in the mood for a new style...but still don't want to lose my length. Will chat to her about some bangs or a fringe or something. I'm very nervous to get a fringe - it's really high maintenance to make sure it always looks good. I think I could handle bangs, you can always stick them behind your ears if they get in the way.

We have guests coming over for a braai (BBQ) tonight and Rudi has left the house in a glorious mess, so even though I'm sick I still have to clean. Ugh.

Now don't forget to comment and tell me which tattoo you like!

Thursday, 07 May 2009

Mother's Day

So Sunday would have been/is my first Mother’s Day. It will be another difficult day. Do they never end? I guess not. Rudi said something about going to his mother’s house for a pot roast or something to celebrate. I suppose I would have objected if James was still with us. I would have wanted my very own Mother’s Day with my new baby. I would have wanted to spend it with our small little family. Our new family.

That dream didn’t pan out. Better luck next time. Pffft.

Sarah cut my hair for me on Tuesday…a valiant effort, but not 100% right. I have made a hair appointment for Saturday to have my colour evened out and a proper haircut. I’ve already spent over R330 on colour alone and now the hair appointment is going to cost me another R350. I should have gone to the hairdresser in the first place. If I ever mention trying to colour my hair again – slap me and tell me to make an appointment with the hairdresser.

Can’t wait to see what we’re getting from work for Mother’s Day. There are piles of boxes waiting to be unpacked…obviously they are keeping us guessing. All the women in the company get something and on Father’s Day all the men get something…so at least I won’t be left out of that.

Work is still hectic. I anticipate for the pace to continue until the end of the month. The promotion that has been causing all the problems will then be over and we can hopefully breathe again. I better go and earn my salary.

Wednesday, 06 May 2009

I am a quitter

I'm going to quit smoking again. I don't even know why I started. OK, I know why I started, but I don't know why I'm still doing it.

I thought maybe if I put a ticker up on my blog it would motivate me to keep on. I've developed a beautiful cough and I don't know if it's because I'm smoking or whether I'm getting sick, but it shouldn't matter. If I wasn't smoking I would know, wouldn't I?

I was very proud of myself quitting before...and I'm tired of letting myself down. Watch the ticker. If it resets, you'll know I fell off the wagon again.

Tuesday, 05 May 2009

+/-0kg

I didn't gain any weight. Thank goodness. I need to get my mind right again and start working towards good results. I told Rudi this morning, even if we don't start eating right immediately we should at least start exercising again.

I am sad today. Today it has been six months since James died. Sjoe. That was hard to type. I'm feeling very tearful and emotional. I feel so frustrated that these feelings keep bubbling up when I least expect them to. Today one of the pregnant women in the office was speaking very loudly about how wonderful her scan was and how amazing everything is (it's her second child) and it stung. I really don't resent her or blame her for being pregnant, it's just hard to hear these things when I had a taste of that myself and then it was gone. Pregnancy for me has a lot of negative memories - all the happy memories I have, like hearing his heartbeat or seeing him yawn on the scan have been tainted by the pain, hurt and loss that I feel.

I feel *so* bad for feeling this way. I feel resentful, bitter and jealous and then I feel guilty for feeling resentful, bitter and jealous. These are all ugly emotions that I don't like, but seem to feel anyway. I can't stop it, can I? Can I?

Rudi is sick today. He says he has been throwing up. I've made an appointment for him at the doctor. I hope he is OK and that I don't get whatever he has. I am not in the mood for being sick. I already feel quite run down emotionally. I don't need to feel bad physically as well.

Thanks to my friends on Twitter for their support...and everyone who contacted me today to show they care. I love you!

Monday, 04 May 2009

My grandfather is dying...

So it seems I might have misunderstood my grandfather somewhat. Apparently he has 6 - 12 months to live whether or not the cancer has spread to his lungs. The doctors say he'll need to have two major surgeries in which they remove the pieces of his liver that are infected and two more rounds of chemo. Apparently they'll cut right across his chest to operate on his liver and of course he refuses the chemo. He would rather not live at all as chemo really negates your quality of life. I try my best not to think about it...it's very upsetting. My grandfather has been the constant in my life. My role model. My father. He means the world to me. He asked me the other day what I am going to buy him for his last birthday *sigh*

I cannot wrap my mind around my grandfather not being around. What will happen to my grandmother? My grandfather said he is in the process of making provision for her. He still hasn't updated his will, which he needs to do to ensure My Evil Mother does not rob the rest of the family...again.

I'm still not trying to conceive. I considered it again...taking this new information into account...but I am *so* much happier since I've stopped obsessing about it that I simply cannot go back. I would be stupid to submit myself to such torture. It really was getting bad for me. I'm not simply referring to sexy time being scheduled and losing it's lustre. Emotionally it is path I have chosen to step away from and I need to stick to that choice. We're still not trying to prevent pregnancy...and it does still move to the forefront of my mind. It also does not help being surrounded by so many pregnant women, but that is something that is out of my control. It will happen eventually. I just need to be patient.

Tomorrow is weigh day. I'm dreading it. Rudi has been badgering me to go back to exercising and eating right and I have conceded that we should do so, but we're just not getting around to it.

Work is beckoning me. I can't ignore it anymore...no matter how hard I try!

Friday, 01 May 2009

You changed your hair, not your heart...

I've been getting good reactions to my hair, other than shock. My Evil Mother didn't recognize me at church on Wednesday night. She walked past me several times and didn't notice me until I walked up to her. My grandfather likes it. I didn't expect that. I got so much flack last time I made my hair dark that I didn't expect a warm reception this time around. I'll be seeing my grandmother today for the first time. She probably won't like it. We'll have to wait and see I guess. My hair still needs to be trimmed and I think another coat of colour. It's so strange...you look at my hair and your eyes deceive you, it still looks blonde in places, but when I turn my head it's clearly not blonde. Maybe it's my imagination, but Rudi and Sarah see it too.

Rudi still hasn't gotten used to being married to a brunette. I asked him this morning and he again said he prefers the blonde. I got a little huffy since this was kind of his suggestion in the first place and then he said 'I don't care. You changed your hair, not your heart'. Wow. Didn't expect that. Sweet!

Our weekend to George draws ever nearer. We'll be going the end of May to meet Nellie, Goliath and Daniel (the new arrival). I can't wait! Speaking of waiting...I'm still waiting for my package to arrive...you know. The thing I ordered that I can't talk about. Dying to try it out!

So tomorrow I'm back at work. Heaven help me. This leave was so short. At least now I have our weekend away in George to look forward to. After that...nothing. I cannot believe it is May already. On the 5th of May it will be 6 months since we lost James. It's been a long road, but I have come out on the other side. I still get very sad sometimes and I do still cry, but it doesn't occupy my thoughts every single waking moment as it once did. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Although I had wished that my happiness would stem from a new pregnancy, it has not.

The gynae predicted I would be pregnant by May or in May or around May or whatever. Again, only time will tell. I'm doing pretty well at not being upset about not being pregnant. I didn't cry about it, I didn't bite Rudi's head off about it. A vast improvement.

Looks like Rudi has our day planned out for us. Going to watch Fast and Furious 4 at 12:15 and meeting my grandparents for lunch at the Spur at 5. Guess I've done enough chilling. Hmmm...breakfast beckons...