Tuesday, 31 March 2009

+ 200g

Freaking marvellous. Despite all the exercise efforts last week, my poor eating habits are shining through. Perfect. Like I'm not depressed enough already. I must say that the weight has stayed the same and only shifted up once now...so I'm still doing *something* right.

*Another* pregnancy was announced in the office yesterday. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to let it bother me, but I have to make a concerted effort not to be annoyed. I have to tell myself out loud sometimes to stop feeling the way I am feeling. I can't really help it, you know. It kind of happens naturally. So I'm a bit on the miff side today, but I'm constantly trying to feed positive thoughts into my head to cheer myself up (trying hard to block out the weight gain and infertility messages I play in my head constantly). I am still not going to monitor anything (other than my cycle length as the gynae ordered). No temperatures, microscopes or forced sexy time. No matter how many people get pregnant now. Nellie has recommended that I go to the gynae again after our weekend in May if I'm still not pregnant. Just to scan and check that my ovaries don't have cysts or anything on them. *Just* in case.

I've also got to stop smoking again. FFS. Our walk nearly killed me last night and I've developed a very sexy morning cough. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing what I'm doing when I *clearly* know better.

To end off this blog post I would really appreciate it if you visited this blog post: Save The Lions. If you can't afford to help (as I am unable to this month), you can help by raising awareness. I'm sure there are a few people out there that can spare a donation or some of their time to blog or tweet about the issue. These beautiful animals do not deserve to die simply because there is no funding to take care of them. Like we stood together for Earth Hour, we should stand together to save the lives of these beautiful animals that are Africa's pride.

Monday, 30 March 2009

Relaxed

I had a relaxed weekend, besides the working part of course. I worked until almost 2PM on Saturday and almost 1pm on Sunday (from 8am). It's not as bad as having to work full day on a weekend, but apparently that might be in the cards...Usually when working a weekend I leave before my colleague does. I simply manage to work faster. We've just been told we have to leave at the same time and help the lagging colleague out if they're not done. I feel that's a tad unfair. Why should I do more work (we split the work evenly) than someone else just because I'm more efficient? *sigh* It seems to be a trend lately. Getting 'punished' for working hard. Or rather having to work harder because you work so hard (and so well) already.

We ended up not going to Fence's party on Saturday. Before you think I was the culprit, Rudi actually decided not to go. Fence was supposed to call him on Saturday and he never did. It's not the first time Fence has faded on him. Rudi invited him fishing last Saturday and he said he had to work, but they should definitely call him when they get back so he can join them for a braai. They tried calling him repeatedly and he never answered or bothered to return the call or send a message. Rudi is quite put off by this fickleness.

So apart from the braai on Friday night we had a relaxed two days at home. My media player is completely busted. I'm so annoyed. No picture comes up on the TV. Luckily the hard drive still picks up when plugged into the laptop, so I haven't lost any information. We checked the cables and the DVD player works with the same cable, so it must be something inside the media player itself. Rudi opened it up and had a look, there are no obvious blow outs, burns or circuits that look busted. Guess we'll have to take it in and have someone look at it. I just hope it doesn't cost the earth. I'm kind of broke right now. Doctor's bills are really killing me.

If anyone was wondering, we switched off for Earth Hour on Saturday night. I could see dark patches in the lights from our balcony. I only saw one house with it's lights on in our complex. I must say that I heard quite a few car alarms go off just after 20:30. They did not switch off the street lights in our complex though, so it was still quite well lit. I saw on the news last night that 400 Mega Watts of electricity were saved in South Africa during Earth Hour. That sounds like a lot and even though a lot of people were very negative about Earth Hour, I think it did well to raise awareness for global warming.

After relaxing the weekend I feel refreshed and ready for the week. I suppose I will start getting tired again around Wednesday. It's not easy working 12 consecutive days.

Saturday, 28 March 2009

Sickness Is Me



My demise?



Phew. Not in the best of moods today. I feel so sick!

We went for the braai (BBQ) last night with the M&M's. I call them this because everyone in their household including their two sons have the letter 'M' as their first initial. They were very hospitable and were gracious hosts. They didn't even mind that I watched 7de Laan when we first walked into the door (they don't really watch the programme). Yes I know that's very anti-social and rude, but I never catch the omnibus on a Sunday and it was quite and interesting episode to boot!

I must say they really did spoil us. We had chips (crisps) and dip for snacks. Steak, chicken kebabs, sausage, potato salad and potato bake for the main. We left well fed and with a Tupperware container full of food.

I packed away almost a whole bottle of Amarula and regretted it almost immediately. Amarula is very rich and creamy and immediately after adding food to that rich and creamy mix in my stomach...I felt really ill. This morning the feeling lingers. I feel nauseous. That's about the crux of it. The nausea. I've taken tablets for nausea, but they don't seem to be helping.

Cherry on the cake? I'm working. Cherry on the cherry on the cake? We have a braai at Fence's place tonight. I am really not feeling up to it and now not for the reason you think. Previously I didn't want to go because I know I'll probably be bored to death and I'm working on tomorrow, but now I'm going to be sick *and* bored. Lovely. I suppose I could stay home, but I'll probably just lay awake the whole night wondering when Rudi is coming home. He's also not feeling well, but I don't think that will stop him from going.

I'm definitely not drinking tonight. Really.

Friday, 27 March 2009

Weekend Plans

So I figured out yesterday that two Grandpa powders will sort your cramps right out! I will now buy some when we go shopping. They work better than even my beloved Adcodols do.

I'm really proud of myself for my exercise efforts this week. In the last 6 days Rudi and I have gone for a walk 4 times. A proper walk mind you, not a stroll. I'm sure this will pay off. I've even ended my walks the last two times with a jog to the front door (a *very* small jog), just to step up the work out for those last few steps. I'm still struggling to eat 100% correctly, but I'm making a concerted effort to not pig out on junk food. I have also been doing well with drinking water. I only skipped one day as the water was off in our area and the toilets were not flushing at work. Ewww.

Tonight we are going to braai (BBQ) with the lady I mentioned that I met at the hospital when we went for James' last scan. She said "We should get together for a braai sometime" and I agreed. The next day I had an invitation for a braai tonight. Most people just say "We should get together sometime" and it never happens. We've also been instructed not to bring anything. Lovely.

Tomorrow night, unfortunately, we've been invited to a 'massive party' at Fence's house (technically it's Caregiver's parents house). Rudi wants to go. I told him we can go on condition we leave when I want to as I'm working this weekend (both Saturday and Sunday).

So I have quite a full weekend ahead and I'm not looking forward to most of it. I'm not too fussed though, because attending Fence's party on this working weekend will mean that I hopefully won't have to see him on my off weekends.

Thursday, 26 March 2009

No Pressure Over Cappucino

Enough is enough. I've had it with all of this.

No more ovulation calendars, microscopes and calculators. No more avoiding certain medication for weeks because I *might* be pregnant. No more nervous anticipation of my cycle. No more plotting, planning and having lack lustre sexy time. No more cutting back on drinking or having fun because there is a miniscule chance of me being pregnant. No more resenting other pregnant women. No more jealousy. Who am I to be jealous? I have very little idea of what these people have been through to have their child. Who am I to feel like I deserve it more than anyone else? No more.

I am putting way too much pressure on myself (and Rudi) to get pregnant. Sure it feels like there is a hole in our life now that was meant to be filled. Sure my grandfather is out of his skin with excitement and prays every day that we get pregnant. There are many people hoping and praying for us (thank you), but the pressure is soul crushing. The expectations are high and the disappointment is shattering.

It hit me very hard this month. I really thought this was our month. I even thought I had symptoms, but alas. It was not so.

Through all this drama and struggle I have at least discovered that I feel ready to have a baby. That is something I never thought I would be ready for. Now I don't need to try and prevent pregnancy because it will be a joyous occasion when it happens, like it should have been the first time.

If I am not pregnant by the end of the year I'll make an appointment with my gynae and ask him if he has something to help me along, but until then, no pressure.

Now all of this is easy to say, I just need to stick to it and put it out of my mind. My life cannot stop until I am pregnant. My life cannot revolve around getting pregnant. I don't think it should be so difficult. I'm not saying I don't want a baby. I do, I really do. I just don't want this stress, pressure and these expectations making me feel like a failure month after month.

I'm sad that things had to turn out this way. I'm disappointed that I didn't fall pregnant before I reached this point, but so be it.

I don't want to hear 'It will happen when the time is right' or 'It will happen when it is meant to be'. It will happen, I know this. When it will happen is something I clearly have no control over.

So right now I can still live my life with much less responsibility than a parent has and that isn't too bad, now is it?

I need to love me. I need to keep reminding myself to love me, because I forget.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Not Pregnant



So my cycle did everyone a favour and showed up 'early'. Instead of putting me out of my misery it seems to have put me into it.

I'm really upset this morning. Disappointed I think would be an understatement. I am so sick and tired of this monthly rollercoaster. I want to throw in the towel. I don't want to try anymore, but I still want a baby. Rudi said the other day he thinks I'm broken. I don't think he was serious or meant to hurt my feelings, but he still said it.

So now I sit like an idiot crying at my desk. Again. I need to find a place to go and scream because I really want to.

Now I don't know what to do. I wish I could just forget about it, but it's really not that easy. I'm tired of sexy time not being fun anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of resenting and being envious of other people who also deserve happiness and babies.

And so this rant could go on forever...

Before you say anything about the t-shirt being self deprecating. I get to say it. I was declined for a policy because of my weight. They wouldn't take my money. Bastards. Went for an extra walk yesterday for good measure. I'll show them.

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

+/- 0kg

Another stand still week for me on the scale and I can honestly say I am relieved. I ate so many wrong things last week. I did, however, walk on Saturday and yesterday and drank my water on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday. I know. I must do better and I must do so immediately. I am very fortunate that I have not picked up.

Rudi won me another teddy bear at one of those claw machines:



I went into the shop and he hid it in the car and pretended he had been unsuccessful. He's actually pretty good at it. All this really means is that the teddies I get from him usually cost R2.00. LOL.

A reader was a bit confused about one of my posts. I am not pregnant as far as I know. My cycle is due to start on Saturday. If it doesn't start by Monday I will go for a blood test. I've just been feeling a little odd this month and I sincerly hope I'm not dreaming up symptoms because I will feel like an idiot. Just so you know.

Other than that work is changing a bit and I'm not sure I like where it's going, but I need to remember that The Company looks after me really well and I shouldn't complain. It's so easy to take your job for granted when millions would give their left arm to have what you have.

I e-mailed a lady today that I met at the government hospital the day of the James' last scan. We had to sit and wait for quite some time and we ended up chatting to each other. She was very sad to hear about our situation and gave me her details so that we can stay in touch. It occured to me this morning that she has no idea how things turned out. I dropped her a short e-mail and caught her up without going into too much detail. I didn't even cry when I typed it. That is progress! I do feel that I am starting to heal. It is a slow process, but it does happen.

Monday, 23 March 2009

I can't even pee in cups

So in case you were wondering, Rudi did come home on time on Saturday. Only problem is he came with Lindor and family in tow. He did what men usually do. Told his friends he is game for a braai and then said 'I'll just check with the wife'. Doesn't leave me much choice does it? If I say no, I look like the bad guy. If I agree then everyone is happy but me. With much groaning I gave in. I knew he would not stop nagging until I said yes (he had already had enough beer to make him whiney). The condition was that he needed to clean up after they left.

The braai wasn't too bad. Lindor and Rudi were sufficiently drunk leaving Lindor's wife and I rolling our eyes and sighing at the idiotic conversations we were forced to listen to. Lindor was extremely unhappy that their fishing trip had yielded no fish. He is convinced Rudi jinxed him because he would not let him pee on his new Shimano reel. Wait. What?! Apparently it is tradition to initiate your new reel by peeing on it and if you don't (or someone doesn't) you will have bad luck fishing. Rudi says I may pee on his reel. He seems to forget that I'm a girl and I actually cannot aim when I pee. Um. I meant ewwww. Perhaps we can just tell Lindor that Rudi and I peed on the reel in some kinky way and he would no longer believe the reel is jinxed. Or we could pee on the reel.

I undressed, changed and dressed Lindor's six month old baby before she was put to bed. Sjoe. It's a lot harder than one would think. It didn't help that she was kicking as if her life depended on it! I think I need a lot more practice! I'm pretty sure it's something you get better at. Rudi also kept to his word and cleaned up on Sunday morning before I got home from church. Bless.

I think I'm feeling better this morning. I might just be imagining this slight nausea and random heartburn. Perhaps I'm just crazy. Still have to wait all the way to Saturday before anything is revealed. I spoke to Rudi about taking a blood test. He said he thinks we should wait till Saturday at least. If nothing happens on Saturday I'm going to go for a blood test on Monday. No doubt. Everyone keep your fingers crossed, OK?

Nellie is on maternity leave from today. Lucky cow! I'm going to miss talking to her. We're kind of cut off from each other right now as my phone bill is already sky high and she doesn't have funds to recharge either. We'll manage though. I think I'll type her a very long e-mail to keep her busy a bit later.

Oh. The finalists of the SA Blog Awards have been announced. Go vote here. Don't worry about looking for my blog amongst them, it's not there, but I would recommend you read some of the finalists as they definitely deserve their spots.

Saturday, 21 March 2009

Saturday Business

So I finally got my ass into gear and walked today. I didn't walk particularly far and the walk wasn't more strenuous than usual, but when I got home I felt sick to my stomach. As if I could throw up because of the exertion. Strange that. I actually still feel a little queasy. Didn't stop me from eating two hot dogs for lunch though. Bah.

I also did my filing. I didn't have nearly as much as I thought I would have, but I clearly haven't filed since November. I also haven't collecte post from my P.O. Box since January, in other words I STILL have catching up to do *sigh* At least I've gotten my new files in working order and all the loose papers lying around into one place.

I also cleaned the house and even took the bin out. That's usually Rudi's job. Rudi has gone fishing with Lindor. He left around 10:00 this morning and will *probably* be home by 18:00. He says he'll be home by that time...but we'll have to see. He's not great at coming home when he says he's going to.

Anyway. I'm at my grandparents house which has broadband. You'd think I'd be less bored. They've both nodded off leaving me without any company and rugby on the TV. My grandfather won't admit to his nap if he catches me changing the channels.

I had a nice hour long conversation with Nellie earlier. I'm hoping to call her back a little later. Pffft. So bored and wondering why on earth I'm nauseous when I'm not sick. I'll give you three guesses what I'm thinking and the first two don't count...

Friday, 20 March 2009

One tube, one test?

I was feeling sick yesterday morning...and the evening before after having a Savannah (or half of one) and a ton of garlic. When Rudi opened his eyes this morning the first thing he said to me was 'Are you naar?' (naar = nauseous) Shame. We Poor chap has his hopes up for this month.

We had a lady come to our house to draw our blood for the life insurance tests. I asked her if she could draw some extra blood and do a pregnancy test as well, but unfortunately she didn't have the correct tube with her. She said if I had asked her earlier she could have brought a tube with. Darn. Maybe it's a sign that I should just freaking wait and quit being so impatient. My cycle is due in 8 days. It's a long time to wait. I'll still have to wait another week after that anyway to be sure it's really late and not just irregular. I hate this.

On the upside, although she struggled to find my vein as they inevitably always do, she only stuck me once and managed to get all the blood she needed. Only one vial. She said they are only doing an HIV test though, so I'm not sure what the nicotine racket is all about. Is that a scam? Do they just call you up and say 'We found nicotine' to increase your premium? She did say that they may use the same kind of tube for the nicotine test...but she couldn't say for sure. Interesting that. We'll see what the results say.

Was a little peeved with Rudi yesterday. When he came to pick me up Lindor was in the car with him and they were both smoking. Are you freaking kidding me?! I was about to go for this nicotine test and both of them are smoking with me in the car. Idiots. Rudi didn't seem to think it would make a difference. He clearly doesn't acknowledge the dangers of second hand smoke.

Anyway. I'm really happy I'm off this weekend. I plan to go for a very long walk this evening. To make up for almost two weeks of no exercise. I swear I'll do it. I have to with all the junk I've eaten this week. Back on the bandwagon from today. From immediately. No more excuses!

Thursday, 19 March 2009

Over

So I survived yesterday (as I suspected I would) and am still alive today.

I would like to thank the following people for the messages I received yesterday:

angel
@laurakim123
@thejacksonfiles
@leevanlog
@zola237
@lanajvr
Aldaz Heather
Solitaire
JaneW
Janice

and of course, Nellie <3

Plus all the ladies from the parenting community that conveyed their concern and support.

Thank you all for your messages, I really appreciate the prayers and love I have received.

Rudi loved his birthday present. I bought him a Shimano fishing reel. Apparently it's a very good kind and he'll never need another one (unless he throws it in the ocean with his rod). He was under the impression I did not buy him one at all. Usually he fishes out his gifts before the time. I finally had him fooled this year.

So today is 'move on' day. Today should also be kick myself under the bum day because I have not been walking and eating a load of rubbish. I need to remember to love myself and stop treating myself so badly! Why is this so hard for women to do?

Rudi thinks I'm having an affair. Twitter has me glued to my phone and he thinks that I have a twitter boyfriend. LOL. He doesn't get the online addictions. He says I'm like a high school girl on MXIT with her boyfriend. Does this mean I have a problem? Is there such a thing as twitter rehab? LOL. I don't think I'll be able to leave it!

I think that they are coming to draw blood tonight for my new life insurance policy to check that I'm not a smoker. I haven't smoked for about a week and a half. Quite interested to see if I pass. People have been telling me it takes much longer to get out of your system. I've been tempted to smoke, don't get me wrong, but I've abstained for the sake of a discount on my premium. Now lets just hope they test comes back negative for nicotine and that is the only thing they test for :)

So from tomorrow it's happy thoughts and rainbows and bunnies. Must be happy and put all this stuff behind me. New page. New life. Happiness.

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Nellie

I have spoken about my friend, Nellie, from PE before. We still keep in contact every day and very much look forward to our weekend together at the end of May. Today Nellie did the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. Well, actually she did it on Saturday already. The sneaky bugger! She fished out my address from Rudi and sent me a gift.

The instructions were for them to deliver the gift tomorrow, but for some reason they delivered it today. Luckily I was at home. At first I did not answer the door...a bit freaked out by the man with the walkie talkie outside my door (and I'm in my PJ's)...but they called me to tell me why they were knocking...

When I saw the package I was very surprised. I knew Nellie was up to something...but I had no idea she was up to this!





A beautiful quilt her mother made for me...covers my double bed!



It's reversable!



Beautiful butterfly and flower patterns. I <3 butterflies! (obviously Nellie knew)




In the package there was a letter which read as follows:



Dear acidicice

This is a very small something made with loads of love by my mom and chosen with love by me.

This is what we call a "comfort or pamper quilt" in our home and everyone has their own. So we thought it was about time for you to have one of your own.

We tried to choose colours that are bright and cheerful and colours that I kind of think will "suite" you.

Quilts are to snuggle under when you have "off" days or ill days or days just meant for cuddling. I hope you wil think of us in PE when you cuddle under "this one" think of it as a big hug from me when I can't be there.

The best part about it is that it will be with you to cuddle with on the 18th and many other days both happy and sad!

Thinking of you and sending you HEAPS of love

Nellie

That is special. I called her before I opened it to hear if I was allowed to open it since it had arrived a day early, she consented. I cried and cried! It is SUCH a beautiful gesture. I tried to read the letter to Rudi on the phone, but started crying again.

So special.

Thank you, Nellie and family. I'm pretty sure everyone contributed (I know your dad put the tape on the box!) Goliath...please look after this special friend of mine.

*sending much love back to PE*

Now to get Amber to give me my quilt back...

+/- 0kg

Apparently I need to exercise to lose weight. Go figure. I had an OK eating week last week which is probably why I didn't gain, but it seems I won't lose if I'm not walking either. I was sick. Give me a break!

For those of you that don't know, tomorrow our baby would have been born. It's also Rudi's birthday tomorrow. Not only that, two people that were pregnant along with me and due in early April are both giving birth tomorrow. It feels like everyone except me is having their baby tomorrow. FFS. Could they not have waited till next week? Or even Thursday? I suppose I cannot blame them. Babies come when they are ready. Although, both births are planned C-sections. There is also a good chance that our baby could have been with us already (estimated due dates are exactly that, estimations)...but that is something we will never know.

I took leave for Wednesday, anticipating it will be a difficult day for me, but I didn't realize that I would break down on Monday already. I sat crying at my desk yesterday until I finally decided to go home. Jubba and his line manager told me I could take time if I needed it and I need time now.

Wednesday is the last big day. The last chapter in the events that would have led to us having a baby. Rudi told me the other day he wants to celebrate James' birthday in some way each year. He also told me last year that we could celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day, even though we don't have a living baby. I suppose those days could be hard for me too, but luckily they occur on a weekend.

I'm at home again today. I didn't see the point of going into the office, just to have to come home again.

Rudi doesn't understand why I am still upset. Yesterday when he picked me up from work he said 'But his soul is with God now, why are you still sad?'. Men don't really get it, do they?

I have to pick myself up after this. I can't be stuck in this dark cloud forever.

By the way, the number I had for my father was a number for a company. My grandfather called them yesterday and they don't know who he is. I guess this journey continues.

Monday, 16 March 2009

Bad memories

I remember lying on the bed at the gynae, really eager to find out the sex of our baby. I remember my blood running cold.

What's wrong, mommy?

I remember frantically crying in the toilet at the specialist's office...begging out loud that nothing be wrong with our baby.

Why is mommy crying?

I remember how hard it was. How conflicted I was. Waking up in the middle of the night in tears.

Why is mommy upset all the time?

I remember how difficult it was to start taking the tablets to induce labour.

What's happening, mommy?

I remember the whole painful experience. Every detail of it.

Why am I dying, mommy?

*has a big cry*

Saturday, 14 March 2009

SNAKES!

You think you have weird neighbours? You have NO idea!

A while ago we spotted a girl walking around our complex with a python around her neck. It freaked us out, but it faded from memory after a while. Last night as we came home we saw these two neighbours taking their pythonS for a walk. Yes. Multiple. As in more than one snake. I stopped them and asked if I can take some pictures for my blog.

Keep in mind that I am VERY AFRAID of snakes and was not able to take crisp clear pictures as the snakes were moving around a lot and this caused me to shake move around too.





Don't put the snakes where I can step on them man!



Rudi is a crazy mofo!



I think he's a lot more nervous than he looks *shudder* My brave husband!



These snakes don't sit still! Apparently this is the 'aggresive' one.



At some point he twisted around his arm and SQUEEZED too...I'm scared for him!



Must be the craziest girl in the world. Snake was swinging it's head in this one. Hence the blur.




The men playing with the snakes...Rudi experimentally holding the snake too.



So...apparently there aren't only two snakes...there are over 20! The one he keeps in his garage is big enough to eat Amber *SCREAMS*

Here are some of the snakes in their house:







Rudi holding one of the other, longer, thinner snakes.



Her latest pet. She didn't like her pink snake anymore, so they sold it and she got this other reptile as a pet. I'll settle for perfume or something. Anything. Just not a reptile!


I've asked them very nicely not to lose any of the snakes. They said we'll be the first to know. I begrudginly touched one of the pythons with my index finger and nearly died. I had to shower afterwards. I felt dirty. Snakes freak me out. That is never going to change. Rudi is very proud of himself. I still get freaked out just looking at the pictures!

Friday, 13 March 2009

Bitter

Another colleague came to tell me she is pregnant today. She said she didn't know how to tell me. While she's probably ecstatic (she's been trying for some time) she feels guilty that she got pregnant before me.

Have I become so bitter and unapproachable? I don't want to be that person.

I can't help it! FFS. I hate feeling this way. I feel like crying. I feel like crying because I feel like a bad person. AND because I'm not pregnant.

Twitter


Yesterday I signed up to Twitter. I'd heard about it before, but I wasn't sure what it was. The word 'twitter' was coming up a lot in my daily life (even on the radio) and I decided to sign up and check it all out. Nice thing about twitter? It's not blocked at work like Facebook. Yet.

So the cell phone number for my father was a dead end, although I kind of expected that. I didn't call the number, in case you were wondering. Cell phone numbers are quite disposable, despite some people wanting to hang on to them for dear life. Really, I know. Some people don't use their cell phone number for over a year and then wonder why it is deleted. Like the networks have space to save all the millions of profiles of SIM cards that are most likely thrown away. Read the terms a conditions for pete's sake. OK. Rant over!

I'm starting to feel a bit better. I still have a bit of a cough and my tummy still hurts, but other than that I'm in ordinary health. I have to go to the doctor soon for a 'check up'. I'm taking out life insurance and I guess they want to make sure I'm not already dying on them. They pay for the doctor's appointment though. It's basically a free physical. I'm not going to complain. I also have to go for a blood test to ensure that I'm a non-smoker. Under normal circumstances that wouldn't be a problem, but a little while ago while Rudi and I were fighting I was REALLY stressed out and I kind of started smoking again. Not much, just the occasional cigarette...and then when I had a drink I would light up. I was almost smoking every day. The last time I smoked was Sunday. I've been told it should be out of my system in a week and half. I guess we'll have to see what the blood test yields. It hasn't been too tough to stop again now that I have a goal. Yeah I know. I'm bad. I almost had two years on my smoke free record. Idiot. Now I have to start counting all over again like the relapsed addict I am.

It's Jubba's birthday today. The team has planned a little surprise party for him and booked him a one hour full body massage as a gift. We'll be buying him Nando's. His favourite. I had a little chat with Jubba a while ago. I aired my feelings and I told him about how people perceive him. I explained to him that I have seen his softer side and it was a real pity that people judged him by his outbursts of rage. I tried to impress on him that people tend to remember the bad stuff you do, especially when the bad stuff is so extreme. Since our little chat our relationship has seemed to improve. He has really become a bit better. Towards me anyway. He also said he's taking it easy on me since we lost James as he can tell I'm not my old self anymore. I cried in his office. I felt stupid, but he asked me how things were at home. He asked during the week when Rudi and I were fighting and I felt like my marriage was crumbling. If he didn't want to know, he shouldn't have asked.

We stayed up late last night. Well, late for us. For those of you who didn't know we go to bed at around 20:30 usually and wake up around 05:30. Early to bed, early to rise. We really got into season 3 of Criminal Minds and that caused us to stay up past our bedtime. Pity I'm working this weekend. Otherwise I might have been able to rest.

Thursday, 12 March 2009

My Father?

I may have found him. I received a call last night with contact details and more information than I could have hoped for...although I was filled with questions that could only be answered by him.

How is my ouma? I would be so sad if she was not OK. I remember holidays with her and sweet things she did. I remember her black french poodle named Kiki who ate grapes. I remember how she knitted a new dress/outfit for my Barbie or Ken every day I was there on holiday. I remember picking strawberries from her back yard in Welkom every morning. I remember she gave me my first make up compact with lots of different colour eye shadows and two different colours of blush.
Where are my half brothers? To have siblings. What would that be like?
Are you happy?
I'm married now.
You are a grandfather. Well kind of.

Imagine being him. Imagine receiving the phone call. At night. Maybe having dinner with your family. Perhaps your wife answered the phone. Did she ask who it is? What would I say?

Hi, are you George James? Yes
Is your mother Wilana De Vries? Yes
This is your daughter. First born as far as I know.

Can you imagine the feeling? His heart starts racing (mine already is), his blood might run cold from the shock. What do you say then? I just called to say hi? I don't want anything from you. I just want to talk? Does that sound logical?

I want to know you.

I struggled to fall asleep again after the phone call (don't worry, not your fault). A million thoughts running through my head. A million conversation scenarios that all stopped after 'I'm your daughter'. I don't say 'Remember me?' because he does. Of course he does.

Part of me wanted to call immediately. Another part never wants to call. I sound like a gremlin on the phone now anyway. Got get better first I guess.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Still sick

So Rudi and I were both sick yesterday. I only started feeling sick after I got to work though, so no off day for me. This morning I truly felt horrible. I was trying to eat my breakfast, but I only ate about half of it. I was feeling so nauseous. I think God is trying to remind me of what it felt like to be pregnant. It's like he's saying 'Still in a hurry?’

Well, yes.

Despite both of us feeling ill we still gave it a bash. I'm not going to miss out on an opportunity because I'm feeling ill. I'm not sick enough for that! (No, universe, I'm not asking to get sicker). I got us some medication yesterday to settle our stomachs and it seems to have worked. I don’t want to take the medication I got for nausea because I’m not too sure if that would do some damage IF I’m pregnant.

Yesterday Rudi was clearly bored and was examining my microscope. He reckons it was still ferning yesterday. I was anxious to see when I got home, but I don’t think that it was ferning per se, but like I said my body is telling me I’m still ovulating so try we will. I think tonight will be the last effort for this month before I enter the 2WW (two week wait) period. According to Fertility Friend my next cycle is due on the 28th of March technically that is longer than two weeks. My cycle is running on an average of 36 days now. It’s so long. If I weren’t trying to get pregnant I wouldn’t be complaining, so I’m just going to suck it up.

Nellie FINALLY got her chat functionality set up on her phone and we tested it out last night. We’re definitely going to save loads of money on SMS. We use mig33 instead of MXIT. MXIT is a load of crud. It doesn’t work half the time. Mig33 is much more reliable in my opinion. It also has MSN built into it so it suits my needs perfectly. I’m not sure which other chat applications it supports, but I’m sure Google will be able to tell you.

I spoke to my grandfather last night and asked him to fish out my father’s birth date from My Evil Mother. Maybe he can do it without raising too much suspicion. He is really keen for me to find my father. He thinks it’s the ‘right thing to do’. We’ll see what that yields.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Picture feelings

Found this on angel's site. Was fun. Go on...do it.

Youniverse Personality TestYouniverse Personality Test

+/- 0kg

The scale stood still for me again today. I'm super stoked about it since it's my ovulation week (last month I gained 200g)...and I ate such a load of nonsense over the weekend. I didn't drink my water on Thursday, Saturday or Sunday and we skipped our Thursday walk because I was ill.

This morning Rudi was sick. He was throwing up and everything. On the one hand I feel bad for him because he's sick, on the other hand I'm not so sympathetic. He didn't believe I was really ill last week. I think he thought I was trying to get out of going fishing with him. I felt hurt that he wouldn't believe me and said something along the lines of 'I wish you could feel how I feel'. Now he does. I hope we don't keep on re-infecting each other. I'm only just starting to feel better. My voice isn't 100% back yet, but I'm not very sick. I also still have a bit of a cough. Rudi hates it when I cough...it irritates him for some reason. He'll rather have me down cough mixture than listen to me cough my lungs out. Of course when he felt nauseous this morning he said 'Maybe you're pregnant'. Go figure. He is sick and it's somehow my fault. LOL. Had to stress with him that I'm still ovulating and it's just a little too early to tell!

Even though my microscope says I'm 'not fertile' I think I still am. My body is giving me clear signs that I am still ovulating, pain in my nether regions being one of them. I guess we're done trying for this month though. Rudi won't be able to participate in the condition he is in. Also I don't know if he'll walk with me tonight being so sick. I guess I'll take a couple of laps around the complex.

Thank you so much for the overwhelming response I received yesterday with regards to finding my father. I've even gotten a number to try and call. Suddenly I'm scared and nervous. What if he doesn't want to hear from me? I'm a chicken. A friend offered to phone the number and make enquiries...For those who have requested an ID number or date of birth, I will try and fish these out from My Evil Mother if at all possible.

Since losing James the concept of 'family' and 'children' has changed for me. Finding my biological father is somewhat of a sensitive issue now. Now that I understand that parental bond you form with a child that isn't even born yet...I don't know. Suddenly I'm confused. Maybe I need some dutch courage!

Monday, 09 March 2009

My Father

I've been meaning to blog about this for a long time, but I haven't yet. Perhaps because I don't think it will work.

I want to find my biological father again. The last time I saw him I must have been 12 or 13. So that would be 14 - 15 years ago. We always tracked him down via his mother, but this failed the last time we tried. I wanted to track him down when I got married, but we couldn't find my grandmother in the phonebook as we always could.

All this being said - there isn't a hole in my life where he should be. My grandfather has filled the male role model role as much as he could. My stepfather was also there, but not necessarily someone to look up to. Lots of other stuff behind that as well. My father also tried to legally disown me at some point, but I don't think it was for any other reason besides the fact that he couldn't afford to pay maintenance and knowing My Evil Mother she was probably trying to milk him. I don't remember him ever being well off financially. I remember I was on his medical aid for a while too when I was younger.

All these years I have only ever heard one side of the story. Now that I have learnt that My Evil Mother is not exactly the best source of information, I'd like to hear his side of things to. Nobody else in my family has ever really spoken badly about him, in fact just recently I heard how helpful and accomodating he was. The worst thing my grandparents mentioned was that he was always trying to start some or other business and failing. Maybe he was just trying to find his own success.

So now I don't know how to get hold of him. Here is what I know:

His name is George William James
He has a brother names Hentie
His mother's name is Wilana De Vries
Last known location: Bloemfontein
Last known job: Driver for Blue Label (according to his mother)
Last known wife: Isabelle (as far as I know)
Other children: Nicholas and Johnathan (that I know of)

So if anyone out there is in Bloemfontein, or has a contact at home affairs...or knows what I should do to find him, please leave me a comment and let me know.

Weekend Update

On Friday Rudi spent most of the evening with Lindor and Fence finalising plans for Saturday's fishing trip. I saw him for the first time after 20:00 (despite him saying he would be home around 18:00). I decided to let it slide since I had busied myself washing all the pink spray out of my hair.




I participated in the CANSA Shavathon this year. I didn't have money this year, but Leebeesa didn't want her hair sprayed, but wanted to contribute, so she paid for me to have my hair sprayed. I got a lot of attention, I must say. Luckily this year the pink actually washed out of my hair. I washed it around 4 times and it all came out. Last year the purple stayed in my hair for quite some time.

Anyway...on Saturday we went on this fishing trip. Rudi was arguing with me over nonsense in the morning - almost as if he didn't want me to go, but I stuck to my guns and went anyway. It wasn't as unpleasant as I thought it would be. Fence and Caregiver pretended that nothing happened. Nobody mentioned the incident and I didn't bring it up either. It was very hot and eventually very windy. I spent most of the day with Caregiver in a tent on the beach. We read, had a nap and made some food for the guys. Not one fish was caught the entire day.

We then went for a braai at Lindor's house. That wasn't too bad either. We tried to play games, but Lindor kept changing the rules. Eventually Rudi and Fence wanted to go and buy another bottle of brandy and for Lindor's wife didn't want him to go with. Lindor went to bed while they were away. When they got back Lindor came back down, but was upset that he could not go with them to buy the bottle. I have a feeling there's more to it than that (perhaps he wanted to get something else as well, but lacked opportunity to leave)...I started feeling horrible and went to lie down on the couch. I passed out fell asleep and Rudi woke me up when it was time to leave. I felt awful. I felt nauseous, had heartburn and was still half asleep. So I survived Saturday.

Sunday we had a braai with the in-laws, which was uneventful as it normally is.

My ovulation microscope is confusing me! From around Thursday is started showing signs on ferning. That is supposed to be the transitional phase that leads up to ovulation. On Saturday my microscope showed NOTHING. We through it odd, so we took another sample and sure enough...it was like fern city. The entire lens was covered in ferns. It was all very exciting! So we started trying then. On Sunday - nothing. No ferns. Not one. I tested 4 times. This morning, no ferns. Nothing. My hopes of success are therefore not high for this month.

Next month we will try from the day the ferning starts to show until it disappears. As far as I understood the microscope should show transitional ferning, then full ferning and then back to transitional once ovulation tapers off.

Weird. At least it ferned though, which means I am ovulating. That is a good thing.

Sunday, 08 March 2009

Easy come, easy go.

Not a fern in sight this morning. I checked 3 times. Nothing. Now I'm wondering if I somehow killed my egg. eish.

Saturday, 07 March 2009

Ferning!

For the first time since I've had my microscope it ferned fully this morning. Yay! Sexy time for us this weekend! Super chuffed with my microscope. Let's hope it yields the desired results :) full weekend update on Monday.

Friday, 06 March 2009

Transitional

I already regret coming in to work. I am feeling very nauseous. I think there's a bug going around. Other colleagues are also complaining about not feeling well. I'm sure the aircon is conducive to spreading this bug too, but bless the aircon. It's going to be over 40 degrees again today. Pffft. I'm feeling truly horrible and today I'm probably going to have to do the horrible work I don't like doing. Maybe I'll throw up on my desk and get sent home. I'm not kidding. I might just.

Amber's nose wasn't looking good this morning. It started weeping and Rudi had quite a bit of trouble holding her down to clean it. She doesn't like being confined. He put some antiseptic cream on it as well, as much as he could get on with her wriggling around.

I forgot to mention that I received a post card from France the other day! My friend from Belgium went there for the weekend not too long ago and he thought to send me a post card. He's such a sweetheart. I love getting random post from all over the world. I still have to send him the bottle of Amarula I bought for him about 3 months ago. Rudi even aquired special foam containers to protect the bottle on it's journey overseas. Quite strange since Rudi is a bit jealous of my friend, who I will be calling Brain. He has a pet mouse called Brain. He doesn't quite understand our relationship. I suppose he just doesn't like the fact that I speak to another man. It's all very innocent, I assure you. I would never ever cheat on Rudi. Emotionally or physically. I would never be able to live with myself. I simply love him too much.

Speaking of loving Rudi...

...my microscope is definitely starting to show some ferning! There was a spot of ferning this morning. It's not yet fully ferning - so it is currently in the transitional phase. Moving on to ovulation. I was quite excited to see the little ferns this morning. Somehow I had convinced myself I wasn't ovulating. I'm crazy that way.

The obsession has tamed itself of late. I'm no longer VERY upset if I see other pregnant people. It still makes me sad, but I'm no longer as unreasonable about it as I previously was. I don't necessarily want to hear about other people's pregnancies yet though. I'm not completely preoccupied with getting pregnant anymore either. Sure I want to be pregnant and I'm using my microscope, but I don't completely freak out when it's time for my cycle to start. Somewhere deep inside I'm still dying to be pregnant. On the surface I've given up. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Thursday, 05 March 2009

Sick

I'm not feeling so well today. I didn't go in to work. I think I'm coming down with something. I feel all congested at night and nauseous during the day. No...I'm not pregnant. My readers would be amongst the first to know. I got up this morning and prepared breakfast and lunch for Rudi and I, like I do every morning...but I just didn't feel right. I bit the bullet and phoned Jubba (something I loathe to do, although he has always been reasonable when I've been ill) and took a sick day.

It's very hot today...I've already gone and cleaned the kitchen and put things straight and all sorts of things I should rather just leave because I'm not feeling well. Now that everything is done though I'm going to rest. Maybe it's just all the stress at work lately. There's been tension in the air at work for the past two weeks. For a change it's not Jubba that's driving me crazy. The whole department has been in shambles and trying to bail out one of the portfolios and I think everyone is feeling a little thinly spread. Management doesn't think we're performing at our optimum levels and decided to just pile more work on and shuffle us around. It makes complete sense from a business perspective, but we are people and sometimes companies forget about people. I must say The Company isn't heartless and doesn't treat us badly and pays us well. I don't blame The Company...I just think there are some structuring issues and perhaps some strategies need to be put in place to prevent the portfolio in question from falling behind like they have again. It's not the first time it has happened, but it always seems like it gets left till the last minute and then everyone panics.

So. I'm resting today.

I bought myself a very pretty dress yesterday. It's officially the only one I own. I own skirts that I rarely wear, but I have no dresses. Just this one. I saw it in a mall close by quite a while ago, but they didn't have my size. Yesterday I saw it in a different mall, in my size AND on sale. I had to get it. Rarely does a dress catch my eye, but this one did.



So last night I put on my new dress and my heels and I went to church. I felt so feminine and pretty. It's the perfect dress for special occasions and I received lots of compliments last night.

Check out Amber's battle scar:






Silly cat.

I just finished watching P.S. I love you. Very good movie. It just brings me back to that place where I remember that I need to appreciate what I have. It's a beautiful movie and I would recommend you see it if you haven't yet.

I looked at my microscope long and hard this morning and I just checked it again. I think I'm starting to see signs of ferning. Very slight, but it's starting to show up. Rudi reckons it still looks the same, but I don't agree. Maybe tomorrow it will be clearer and he can see.

I might have gotten myself out of fishing on Saturday with Fence and Lindor. It all depends on whether or not their partners are going with. Even if I don't go fishing, there's no escaping the braai (BBQ) afterwards. On Sunday apparently we're going to Franshoek. Rudi's brother, Derick, wants to do something for their mom and we've been invited, but it's not yet confirmed. I must take my camera if we go. It's beautiful there. I hope I'm not still feeling ill this weekend.

Wednesday, 04 March 2009

Amber's Antics



She looks like a little angel doesn't she? Well she's not all the time! Peacefully taking a nap next to us on the couch yesterday evening...but this morning at around 4:30, she was howling like a banshee. I practically had to roll Rudi out of bed to go and break it up. He thought that hissing from bed would help, but the wailing continued and eventually he got up. Amber has a big scratch on her nose. I'm worried the neighbours might complain, but there are a lot of cats in the neighbourhood and hopefully they can't pin point the noise to Amber.

Last night we went to visit Sarah and Brad in their new place. It's quite a nice place they have. It's so strange that they are finally on their own. It almost feels like they are house sitting for someone and that it's not quite real. They are really happy and we are really happy for them. We took a bottle of champagne to celebrate and had quite a nice evening.

There's no ferning on my microscope yet, but Rudi observed this morning that the pattern is becoming more dense. He estimates it will fern by the weekend, Monday the latest he says. I must say, even though he was not keen on me purchasing the microscope he has taken quite an interest in monitoring what it is doing. I think it's the first time since we have actively been trying to conceive again that he has speculated as to when I would be ovulating. Very cool!

Tuesday, 03 March 2009

-1.6kg

Holy cow! I'm not sure exactly how I did it, because I certainly did not have a perfect eating week. The only thing that I can figure is that the walking and drinking water is saving my behind. Perhaps my body doesn't mind a little 'fattening' food every now and then. It could also be extra water I have lost after my cycle, since I stood still last week. Whatever the case I am standing at a loss of 6kg already and I'm very proud of myself!

The jeans I am wearing today always fit me properly, they were never too tight. In fact I could wear them well into my pregnancy, when all my other jeans failed me. Today they are too big. Not so big that I can't wear them or that they don't look OK, but too big none the less. Yay!

I forgot to update on Fence, I think. Fence did eventually phone Rudi back last Friday (I must have jinxed it by blogging about it), but Rudi didn't go fishing with him anyway. They have a fishing trip planned this weekend at which my presence is required. I don't mind going. I've got a good book I'm busy reading and hopefully Nellie would have been able to set up chat on her phone by then.

Poor Nellie is at home today. She's taking a sick day. She has a lot of stress at work at the moment and I haven't been able to talk to her much since they've moved her into an office with no e-mail. No e-mail! She must have felt like she was living in the dark ages!

No ferning on my microscope yet. I'm on cycle day 13, so maybe in a couple of days to a week the ferning will show up. I hope so!

Monday, 02 March 2009

Bling from Angel

I received the following bling from angel today:

Mommy Myspace Graphics
~~Our Precious James~~


I will be displaying it at the bottom of all posts permanently.

Thank you very much for this kind gesture, angel *hugs*

Final Chapter

So on Saturday we went for some potjie (food cooked in a black pot over a fire) with at Beauty Queen and SLK's house. I had painted my nails before I went, but they looked horrid. The paint had bubbled and it didn't look nice at all. Beauty Queen decided to treat me by giving me a french manicure with some cute nail art. So sweet of her. I tried to help clean afterward, but I was a little 'out of it' and Beauty queen said it would be OK if I left.

To tell you the honest truth I don't remember much about Sunday's church service. I took 4 tablets (of which I was supposed to take 1) the morning. I remember I wore heels. I hardly ever wear them. I remember wearing all black. I remember that the church was really full and that we could only find place in front with my grandparents. I remember unpacking the pocket pack tissues and using some of them. I don't even remember going up for communion really well. I don't think I made a spectacle of myself. Rudi sat there and held my hand and supported me. We left directly after service. I had a shower and a sleep. I was so tired. While I was sleeping Rudi went out and he came back with KFC. Bless him.

I completely fell off the healthy eating wagon this weekend (from around Wednesday already actually) so I'm expecting the scale to swear at me tomorrow morning.

This weekend went by in a haze.

This morning I have a sore throat. I still feel a little dazed and confused. I'm still tired. My colleague who miscarried her baby at 8 weeks last week came back to work today. I gave her her injection this morning. I feel disconnected and numb right now.

It's almost time to move on.