Friday, 27 February 2009

Dinner

My healthy eating plan has kind gone down the drain for the last two days, but tomorrow is a new day. We skipped our walk yesterday, but I insisted we go today as I don't want to start letting myself get away with it.

We went for a lovely dinner at Primi Piatti with Beauty Queen, SLK and a few other friends. It was a fun evening. We're going over to their place tomorrow for a potjie. I'll see if there is anything healthy for me to eat :)

The Plot Thickens

So an interesting development has occurred with Fence. I'm not sure if it's just temporary, but he seems to be avoiding Rudi. Rudi has sent him messages about going fishing on Saturday morning and has tried to call him a couple of times and he just doesn't answer.

Rudi jokingly says that he is afraid of me and doesn't want to face me. I find this strange as he wanted to speak to me last time Rudi was there (when I refused the invitation). This leaves me to wonder whether or not there is more to this story than meets the eye. Was I or my behaviour a scape goat for Fence not wanting to be friends with Rudi anymore? Why avoid him now? Rudi said he never told him that I was willing to meet and discuss things and he still went fishing with Rudi after everything had happened. What would give Fence the impression that he would have to face me now? He should still be under the impression that I do not want to see him. The plot thickens my dear readers. The plot thickens.

With all of these assumptions above, I might as well continue while I'm on a roll. Does this mean that I am not the wicked witch in the story? Does this mean that my 'attitude' or 'bad behaviour' has been exaggerated or blown out of proportion by someone to use for their own personal endeavours? I'll leave that for you to decide, because I really cannot say.

All I know is that Fence would usually promptly respond to Rudi's messages and phone calls as he was always eager to get together with him and something seems to have changed. Maybe he is really busy. Maybe this is just temporary. We'll have to wait it out and see.

I'm started showing Rudi my ovulation microscope results. Apparently the microscope is a great motivator for men. I am totally excited to see it 'fern' although that could take a week or two.

Another thing I have not mentioned before, but feel needs to be mentioned (as it is rather a big part of my life) is that I have made the bestest friend online. She really has been a wonderful support to me and listens to me moan, bitch, cry and laugh on a daily basis (yes, sometimes all my personalities come out). We've probably been talking every single day for the past few months. We communicate via e-mail when we're at work and when we're at home or on the road we MMS and SMS each other. We share basic everyday things with each other, we basically share our lives. The only drawback to this friendship is that it is a long distance one. My friend lives in Port Elizabeth and in case you don't remember I live in Cape Town. Being the clever girls we are, we have formulated a plan. At the end of May we have a weekend away planned in George (roughly halfway between Port Elizabeth and Cape Town). We're SO excited and have also practically already paid for the accommodation. Nellie (as she will be called on my blog) is heavily pregnant at the moment. By the time we finally meet her Creature (as so called by her) will be about 6 weeks old. Nellie also has the most amazing husband. A soft spoken darling of a man. She is very lucky! Nellie's husband will be known as Goliath when I refer to him in future.

Nellie really is a wonderful friend. She is very supportive and encouraging. It was her that sent me the eating plan I'm following. She's following my cycles on her calendars. She's keeping track of my weight loss...(she's cool like that). I suddenly can't remember what I did without her. We've become so involved in each other's lives that our families know about us and ask about how we're doing. i.e. Her mom will ask how I'm doing or if I am also watching 7de Laan if her phone beeps during the programme. It's actually phenomenal.

I cannot WAIT to go to George!

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Ovulation Microscope

So yesterday after work I excitedly went to Dischem to purchase my ovulation microscope. To my disappointment, they didn't have any! I had a sneaking suspicion that they wouldn't, but I was still disappointed. They recommended I go to M-Kem. I didn't really want to get it there as they are usually very overpriced, but I also had a prescription to fill and the queue at Dischem was VERY long. As I was standing in the queue at M-Kem I spied the ovulation microscope in the aisle I was waiting in! Right there! The last one! R370.00 later I owned my own ovulation microscope:



It really is amazing how it works. It's so simple it's scary. Much less complicated than charting your temperatures, I can tell you that! What is also great about it is that I can get up to go to the loo in the morning at any time I need to without worrying about first doing this test - as I would have to when charting my temperature. The microscope is literally a microscope which is the roughly the size and shape of a lipstick in which you can see how your saliva dries. Apparently when you are ovulating the pattern made by your saliva is different from when you are not ovulating. Here is the explanation of how it works. Thanks for the link angel.

I tested it out this morning and true as Bob I saw the 'not fertile' pattern. I can't wait to see it 'fern'! I'm completely into the CSI aspect of this. I <3 CSI!

On a side note we stopped at a shop yesterday and Rudi won me a horsie at one of those claw machines. It's so sweet and it makes galloping and neighing noises and everything! He's so cute when he does things like this for me. Although...since he's a dude and everything I'm sure it had more to do with the fact that shopping wasn't his bag and he wanted to play a 'game' rather :)

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Starting a band! (meme)

Tagged by angel.



Go to Wikipedia random and the first Wikipedia article you get is your band name! Go to the random Quotations Page and the last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album. Then go to Flickr’s last 7 days and the third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover. Use Photoshop or some such similar program to put it all together. Post it to your blog and tag the friends you want to join in.

I clearly suck at editing the picture to add text...but all I got is paint and I don't use it very well!

Randoms

Today I am wearing jeans that did not properly fit me before. They were too tight to sit down in, but today they are fairly comfortable. I would still like them to be a little less snug though. It's such a nice feeling being able to wear them again without worrying about being uncomfortable all day!

People have started noticing that I'm losing weight and it's great! I think I will be able to keep this up. I've been trying to approach it differently than I normally would. I'm trying not even to think about it as 'dieting' for 'weight loss'. I'm trying to think of it as a lifestyle change of which weight loss is a side effect (quite a pleasant one I might add).

I went for TWO walks last night. OK...so the second one was more like a leisurely stroll around our complex with Sarah, but it was better than sitting on the couch!

We had a really cool braai (BBQ) with all the old friends there last night. Last year this time we were all practically living on each other's doorsteps and seeing each other every single day and pretty much spending a lot of time together. The entire group has scattered though as Riaan moved to Pretoria and we moved out of the complex. Riaan was in Cape Town yesterday for one day only, so we decided to get everyone together for old time's sake. It was a lot of fun - just like we remembered it.

Speaking of which, Sarah and Brad are moving out on their own this weekend. I'm really happy for them. I know Sarah in particular has wanted this for a long time and she's very happy with the place they have found. Who knows...maybe this will lead to wedding bells for them? They protest when there is mention of this...but you never know!

I've managed to pay down a large amount on one of my credit cards (I only have two) this month and I'm feeling really good about that too. I'm going to try and purchase an ovulation microscope after work today. I really hope they have stock of the one I want.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Service for the Departed

So this is going to be a really hard week for me. On Sunday James will be baptised and sealed. Once every four months we have 'Service for the Departed' which is dedicated to those souls who have passed on and are in the 'realms of the beyond' (this is a place between your time on earth and the after life). At every Service for the Departed babies who did not get the opportunity in life are baptised and sealed. The purpose of these services is to offer grace for those who may not have obtained this while on earth. Bear in mind this is something that is (as far as I understand) unique to our religion and something that I have been raised to believe in.

So on Sunday it is the first Service for the Departed since James passed on. He will be in the forefront of my mind, along with others I know that have passed and even those I don't know of. I have already become emotional during choir practices where we are already preparing hymns for the service. It was touched upon in the service past which already brought tears to my eyes. I will be sitting in the back, Rudi has already been told his presence is non-negotiable. I will not stay for chatter and tea and cake after service. I will be leaving directly after.

While others have forgotten that I am still grieving for the child I have lost, the pain is still very real to me. I was just starting to feel a bit better when all these events started coming up. I would have been on maternity leave now. It would have been less than a month to my due date. I probably would have had my baby shower already (others that were pregnant with me are having theirs)...and so I just feel crushed again.

My gynae thinks I could be/will be pregnant again by May, but that is him guessing. It's not like he's saying 'you're going to receive a bill from me in May' - that I could count on. I cannot count on when he or anyone else thinks I'm going to be pregnant. Nobody knows. I wonder sometimes if knowing would help me to relax and help me to feel better. I would probably be unsatisfied with the date if it wasn't March (yes, I know already that February wasn't the month for us either). Rudi is very laid back about it. My comment about purchasing an ovulation microscope was met with rolling of eyes and a sigh. Rudi doesn't believe in calculations and tests.

So here's a warning. I'm going to be gloomy all week and perhaps even next week. I'm not going to suck it up just yet, but after this Service for the Departed and 18 March (my estimated due date) I will pick up and carry on with my life. I still need a bit of time.

+/-0kg

I neither lost nor gained any weight this week. I'm very happy with that as it was my cycle week and the scale could easily have reflected a gain.

I updated my ticker to reflect the 2kg I lost the week before I officially started counting. I figure I lost them and I've kept them off so they get to count.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Awww for the day

Concerned?

There have been some concerns raised in the comments section about my choice of blog fodder.

Firstly, thank you for your concern. Rudi has the link to my blog and he is free to read it. He doesn't, but I have not tried to hide my blog from him.

Secondly, you obviously only hear one side of the story and I expect you to realize this. I don't think people who read my blog take everything I say at face value, but there is no reason for me to lie. I simply say how I feel. Rudi is free to do the same. Lying on a blog is ridiculous. Really.

Lastly, I will not censor my blog or what I write. There are very few occasions where I do not WANT to write about something, in these rare cases I will not. I feel that censoring my entries will completely defeat the personal purpose of this blog. I vent here. I document events here. I write from my heart and don't feel that I should tip toe around my readers, My Evil Mother or my husband.

As a side note, people seem to thrive on this misery that I sow so freely (Google Analytics has proof) so someone must be loving the drama.

So dear readers, thank you for your concern. I appreciate the feedback and the time you took to formulate your feelings and to send them to me. I truly love having comments to read and I appreciate your honesty. Your opinions are welcome, you are entitled to them and I will treat them as such. Your opinions. Which you are entitled to.

I try my best not to stand in judgement, although I am human and will falter. Often.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Angel Fluff and heavy stuff

angel tagged her readers to post a picture of their bedside tables. Here's mine:



I'm currently reading Eldest from the Eragon series. For those that don't know, it's the second book of three.

I was upset this morning after church. After service My Evil Mother called me aside and asked me to please pray for her this week as Service for the Departed is going to be especially difficult for her. I was a tad confused by this statement and asked her to clarify, thinking perhaps someone she knew had passed on, but then she said she didn't want to talk about it because it would upset me. She was talking about James! Having registered this I asked her if she didn't think it would be hard for me...'Of course! But I held him...' FFS. I carried him inside me you stupid wench! I don't know why I'm surprised. She's always been an attention whore and pity is her favourite kind of attention. I understand that James was her first and only grandchild thus far, but he was my son and I think it was insensitive of her to ask me to remember HER. Pffft.

In case anyone was wondering. I'm not pregnant this month either.

Friday, 20 February 2009

Renamed

Jane had a good point in the comment she left the other day. She said the names that I have for Rudi's friends are very negative. It's true, I can't deny it. Perhaps this assists in the perpetuation of my negative attitude towards them. So I have decided to rename them.

Crack Head scored MAJOR brownie points with me last night. He came to visit Rudi while I was at choir practice and when I got home I discovered a gift for me in the fridge. Lindor Chocolate balls. Absolutely my favourite and for some reason Rudi never got them for me on Valentine's Day as I requested. Now I have some. Don't worry, I didn't eat them. I'm saving them for a special occasion. Crack Head will hence forth be known as Lindor. He also bought me a tiny little cactus last time he visited. I'm not sure exactly why he comes bearing gifts since he seems to know now I have put my grudge aside, but I'm not going to question this practice or complain!

Now on to Boring Person (Male) and Boring Person (Female). This took me a long time to mull over in my head. Trying to come up with something creative and positive has proved to be quite a challenge. I thought about calling Boring Person (Male) Older Guy, but Lindor is around the same age so it just doesn't make sense. This isn't awfully creative, but I'm going to call him Fence. He has an Afrikaans name and the name kind of reminds me of the word 'fence' (translated). I think that is quite a neutral name. I neither love nor hate fences. Boring Person (Female) will now be known as Caregiver. She runs a creche and cares for quite a few children on a daily basis so I think the name is apt.

So now that nobody on my blog has a negative name anymore, other than My Evil Mother who I reserve the right to keep that way until she is no longer evil, I feel a little lighter.

Speaking of My Evil Mother. On Wednesday after church she called me aside, asked me to hold her hand and said something like 'No matter what happens and no matter what you or I say, I will always be your mother and these shoulders are always here for you'. RANDOM! Last night she called me at the last minute and asked to be picked up for choir practice. We had a little time to chat and I asked her why she made this random little speech. She then said 'I am your mother, I can sense things and I will always be there for you despite the fact that you aren't there for me'
'Like when?'
'Like when I went through my divorce, but it's fine.'
I didn't even get into it with her. I kind of feel like one is asking for divorce when you are cheating on your spouse. I don't know why you would expect a different result and I don't recall her being there for me all that much after we lost our son. Sure she came to the hospital and was there the day he was born and died and she went to look at him for me and take photos, but she wasn't there after that or before that when I was going through a very hard time. Being there for one day while all the drama of the weeks before come to a head and then not being there afterwards doesn't cut it in my book. But I didn't get into it with her. She says she's divorcing her current husband. This is not the first time she has said this. They've been married for four months. I am not sure if she will divorce him, although I don't see any benefit to staying with him.

I called my grandparents and found out that my grandmother had told her that Rudi and I were having problems (this is obviously how she 'senses things' as my mother). I kind of knew that would have been her source. I wish she would learn that I am not as gullible as she thinks.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Better

So things were better last night. I didn't sleep alone. As soon as we got in the car the air cleared. Rudi drove directly to his parent's house so I went with him to dinner. I didn't pretend everything is OK, but I didn't say or do anything that implied things weren't.

This morning in the car however things went pear shaped again. We were chatting about general stuff and Rudi mentioned their weekend fishing trip that is scheduled for the end of the month. I said I was not going and Rudi flipped his lid saying I was 'starting again' and that he expected me to talk things out with Boring Person and that he thinks I'm being childish by not agreeing to do so.

So I mulled it over and decided that I would be mature about it. I sent him a SMS after arriving at work today and told him to call Boring Person to set up drinks on Friday night so that we could talk. He hasn't replied to this SMS, but I've put the ball in his court. I will listen to Boring Person's reasoning and then make clear to him how I feel about things. I will also make it clear to him that he is not to disrespect me or our relationship again if he wants us to be friends. I don't think that is unreasonable. I hope this will appease Rudi and show him I am willing to make and effort.

We went for our walk last night and for a change I didn't nearly drop dead. I did, however, wear the wrong kind of shoes and the balls of my feet still hurt. I won't make THAT mistake again! While we were walking we had some time to talk. Rudi still does not want to go for counselling. I have no idea how to convince him otherwise. He still feels like there are not any problems in our marriage. Of course I disagree and feel that counselling can only do some good. He reckons that we would have to go for counselling only if we were fighting every night and had trouble making things right. I asked him if he would consider going for counselling if I went first. I asked him if he would go if my counsellor would like to see him. He still said no, saying it was a waste of money.

So. I am going to make a concerted effort and do what I can from my side. I'm going to be a grown up about it and suck it up. Lead by example.

I can only work on myself and make myself better. Rudi will hopefully see the effort that I make and appreciate it for what it is.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

-1.2kg

Despite my binge on Saturday and my slip up on Sunday I lost 1.2kg last week. It's probably the water I was retaining the previous week plus a little weight loss. I'm happy with the number.

Things got worse last night somehow. When Rudi picked me up from work I gave him a kiss hello and put my hand on his leg as we drove home. A white flag if you will. He ignored these gestures.

As we were meant to go to my grandparents for supper last night, I asked him if he was coming, he refused to go. I went to my grandparents and told them the truth about why he didn't come. My grandfather, being the wise and wonderful man that he is, sent some food for Rudi. When I got home I greeted him and told him my grandparents send their love and some food. I asked him (in a polite tone) whether I should leave it out or put it in the fridge for him. He made a dismissive gesture with his hand and I said 'I'm sorry, I didn't catch that?'. I was then told I forgot to check my attitude at the door.

I went to bed really early last night. I was exhausted from being so distressed all day.

I woke up at 4:30am this morning. Alone. Rudi had slept on the couch for the second night in a row. It is the first time ever he has done this two nights in a row. I made myself a cup of coffee and cried myself back to sleep. Rudi banged on the wall and asked me what the fuck I was crying about. This, of course, only made me cry more.

I made him breakfast this morning. He didn't touch it.

I also got shouted at because I took something out of the freezer for supper tonight. Apparently he told me three times last night that we are going to his parents for dinner. He told me this while I was sleeping. He thought it ridiculous that I could be asleep so early and therefore assumed I was awake and could hear him. He also expected me to take him to work this morning, but since he hadn't discussed this with me at all I had started getting ready too late to make it to work in time.

So when he dropped me at work I waited for a kiss goodbye. With a big sigh I received a half hearted kiss.

I have a feeling that he has decided to leave me, but doesn't have the balls to do it. He is waiting for me to kick him out or to leave him. I'm simply not going to do that. When I made a vow in front of God, I meant it.

Monday, 16 February 2009

Tempting fate

We're going to have a day filled with love and good food. We can fight tommorrow :)


I said this on Valentine's Day. The day before we fought. I must really stop tempting fate.

It feels like...

...my marriage is ending. Rudi and I have been at each other's throats every weekend for weeks now. Our weekend seemed to be going well yesterday until I got home from visiting a friend.

He completely lost his mind. When I saw him like this before the fight we had had escalated to the point where he became unpredictably angry. Last night he was at this point almost immediately.

He had gone fishing with Boring Person in the morning and ended up going there after the fishing trip. This was predictable enough. He was supposed to 'have it out' with him about the comments he had made the previous weekend. I called him as I left the movie I went to see with Leebeesa and discovered he was there (although he had said he was going to Crack Head's house after fishing). Apparently Crack Head had to go to hospital with his baby. Rudi then asked me to join him at Boring Person's house. Naturally I refused. He said that Boring Person wanted to speak to me and I told him I was not interested in anything he had to say.

When I got home naturally I asked him what Boring Person had said, curious to know why he had so easily forgiven him. Then he blew his top. All sorts of accusations were thrown at me. About how I am always miserable and he has to answer to his friends about it. About how his friends are never good enough and I always have a problem with them. About how he can't go out and enjoy his day because he anticipates a call or SMS from me nagging him. About how he would rather die than continue to be unhappy like this.

He then asked me where the sleeping tablets are (the gynae had prescribed some after we lost our baby) and started taking them. Initially he took two, then another three ad as the fight escalated wanted to take two more. I took the last two, not only to prevent him from taking them, but because I knew he would sleep on the couch and that would keep me awake. I threatened to call his mother, which followed with threats from him to smash my (new) phone and leave. I've seen him smash a phone before...so I didn't call his mother - whom I think had full right to know he was talking about and trying to kill himself.

In reality I don't really think that he wanted to kill himself. I think he was trying to stage drama for me to be upset. I would have done something much more reliable like slitting his wrists if he REALLY wanted to kill himself. So he's crying out for help.

Apparently he doesn't have enough freedom. Apparently I am too clingy and expect too much. Apparently I don't approve of any of his friends and I am a stuck up bitch. Apparently I am always miserable. Apparently everything is my fault I make him want to die.

I don't think that we're going to make it at this rate. He has made it clear that I make him unhappy. In fact, he's made it clear that he would rather be single, that is the life that he seems to want to live.

We didn't speak this morning. He sent me an SMS saying 'I'm sick and tired of this shit. I think I should leave'.

I replied saying 'Your solution to everything is to run away. You don't want to work on it so I don't know what to do either. I really think we should go for counselling, but you don't want to. If you don't want to work on our marriage, I can't do anything about it. I cannot fix it alone'

He can file divorce if he wants it that badly.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Happy <3 Day!


I hope everyone has an awesome Valentine's Day today!

We're going to have a day filled with love and good food. We can fight tommorrow :)

I must say that the internet is super fast on my new HSDPA phone. I couldn't be more chuffed! I initially thought there was a problem with the data cable disconnecting itself, but it seems to be OK now :) YAY! Laptop just needed a reboot.

On Thursday we went to see a motivational speaker and I really enjoyed the talk. I think he is right about having a positive attitude and changing your thoughts. It's been said over and over again that we should be positive in our thoughts and stop berating ourselves in our own head.

I'm trying some affirmations now too. It can't hurt!

It's going to be an awesome day!!!

Thursday, 12 February 2009

YAY!

I just got my new phone! I'm SO excited! It's a black one...wanna see it and the specs? Click here.

*yawn*

I am so tired I could just die! Working last weekend is catching up to me. It's my 11th consecutive day of work today and I'm a zombie.

My Evil Mother is being such a leech! She phoned me the other day - she wanted to borrow a swimming costume. Since she hasn't returned the last item of clothing I lent to her and refused to do so when I asked her I ignored her request. Then she calls me and asks me to check her e-mail at work to see if she has received any responses for her CV - I'm not supposed to surf at work, but she will start crying and 'Nobody loves me' if I don't do what she wants. Last night I go to church and now I have to pick her up for choir practice tonight - I now have to leave earlier and use extra petrol. Is she freaking kidding me? LEAVE ME ALONE! FFS. She NEVER calls me unless she wants something. I'm sick of being her 'go to' person for everything, especially since I don't get ANYTHING, not even emotional support from her.

Tomorrow is finally Friday. Although, I have a pile of ironing to do since the housekeeper hasn't been able to come. We managed to clean up well last night. Vacuum, mop and get all the washing done. Just the ironing left really. SO not in the mood. It's really hot as well which doesn't help.

I hope I'm going to have a good weekend this weekend. It is, after all, Valentine's Day on Saturday.

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

*sigh*

I was completely owned by our walk yesterday. I barely made it home. We took the longer route and it wasn't nearly as hot as it was the previous time we went on this route. When we got home Rudi checked the mail and found a lovely surprise in there:


My friend from Belgium sent me a 'Thank you' card to thank me for being his friend and taking the time to make his life better. He reckoned I was feeling down after everything that happened to me last year and thought he would cheer me up. How sweet! He has really been a good friend to me. We have been chatting for about 4 years now and he has sent me some things before.

Rudi and I were supposed to have sexy time again last night since the doctor said it would be a good time to try...but he put his foot in it again and we went to bed angry. Looks like he's changed his mind about not being friends with Boring People. His words were, 'Well he didn't do anything wrong to me'. I was beyond cross and disappointed. I cannot believe he is not offended by this man and his audacity. Then I had to hear about how I actually did have an attitude that day...blah blah. Still, attitude or not, he had no right to do what he did. The only reason I had an attitude in the first place is because Rudi was being his old self and thinking only of his own wants (not needs) and putting me firmly in last place. This of course does not occur to him.

So we're not speaking right now. To put the cherry on the cake my housekeeper isn't able to come in this week because the taxis are striking for the next three days. F&#%@$%!

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

+200g

So...I picked up 200g this week. Disappointed much?

Things I may have done wrong last week:

Staying hungry for a couple of hours on Saturday (Rudi's fault - he didn't want to leave the pub)
Eating after 23:00 on Saturday (Rudi's fault again! Would rather sit around drinking and talking nonsense rather than braaing)
Not eating what I was meant to Sunday evening (still ate healthy, just not what was on the menu)
Skipping our walk on Saturday (it was too hot!!)

Plus I'm ovulating right now. That could also be contributing. It's the first time I've tried to diet whilst ovulating, I was always on the pill before so it wasn't really a factor. Rudi lost 400g.

Got to keep on keeping on and see what happens next week.

Monday, 09 February 2009

The gynae said...

I went to the gynae at around 12:30 and only got to see him just before two. He is freaking busy! Luckily there weren't a whole lot of pregnant chicks in the waiting room so I didn't get too upset, the place did bring back some yucky memories though. Last time I was there was quite traumatic for me.

The gynae said I should watch my cycles and make sure they are regular. He said that less than 50% of people conceive within 6 months of a pregnancy so right now I should just relax and check that my cycle regulates.

He did a breast exam and internal exam and reckons everything looks 100% OK. He also said that by the looks of things I am probably ovulating right now and might be for the next few days. 'Your husband has work to do' kind of thing.

He said he doesn't believe in the temperature charting as it can be inaccurate at times. I forgot to take it this morning anyway. He explained to me how to check whether or not I'm ovulating - which I already knew from research.

So I've been told to relax and take it slow and check my cycle meticulously. Guess who is getting lucky tonight anyway?

Gynae - EEK!

I'm going to the gynae this afternoon. I feel queasy. Probably just stressing myself out for nothing. Maybe it's all the estrogen in my body since I think I might be ovulating.

Pfft. SO not looking forward to this!

Sunday, 08 February 2009

Interesting Developments

Where to start...

My car went in for a service on Friday. One of the headlights had somehow been damaged and I asked them to repair it, R1200.00 later. Then they called me to say my brakes weren't going to make it to the next service, R1300.00 later. Why am I leaking money?! Anyway...when I got my car back he no longer had a Paris Hilton (read: droopy) eye and no longer makes a knocking sound when I turn (loose bearings apparently, no charge) so I'm happy. My car feels better, so I feel better about shelling out R2500.00 for him.

We had a quiet evening on Friday. It was yesterday that things got interesting...

Yesterday after work (yes I worked this weekend) I went to fetch Rudi at the pub where he was playing darts after the morning's fishing trip. Boring People (the couple) were there. We discussed having a braai the evening and even some of the finer details like what they should bring. I was starving since I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast at 7:00 and it was already after 13:00. Needless to say I didn't want to eat pub food and asked Rudi when we could leave. He assured me it was his last game of darts, but as soon as the game was finished he said...'This is the last one, promise' to which my reply was 'How long is this going to take?!' I was huffy and grumpy because I was starving. We finally left.

We were expecting our guests around 18:00. They didn't show...Crack Head made his appearance, but no sign of Boring People. I asked Rudi to start the fire so long as by 19:00 we hadn't heard anything yet. At almost 20:00 Boring Person (Male) SMS'd Rudi to say he had just woken up and Boring Person (Female) had already made food. He went on to say they didn't appreciate my attitude and didn't want to be in a place where I was going to be belittling their friend (Rudi). Rudi was understandably upset, I was livid. Rudi replied 'Don't understand, please explain'. About one and a half hours later he replied saying that he has no problem with Rudi, but he heard me ask Rudi 'How long is this going to take?!' and he knows Rudi and life well enough to know when there is a problem. He doesn't like the way I speak to Rudi, it upsets him.

I'm sorry, WHAT?! Last time I checked, Rudi didn't have a problem with the way I speak to him and it just so happens not to be any of his business. Aside from eavesdropping, he saw fit to speak crap about me to my husband, thereby interfering in our marriage. Nice friend. Rudi was very taken aback and disappointed, saying 'he must be drunk'.

I don't care HOW drunk you are, you butt out of other people's affairs! Don't even get me STARTED on him. I could very well sit here and write a load of crap about him and his lifestyle and partner choices, but I choose not to. You know why? Because it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS!

Anyway. I'm seriously pissed off about it and told Rudi that he will not be welcome in my home and should not expect me to be friends with him. Crack Head thought this incredibly funny since Boring People have now been demoted to his level.

That being said, Crack Head and I have sort of made peace and I've decided to give him another chance. It's been more than a year since our falling out and Rudi seems determined to keep him as a friend, so for Rudi's sake I decided to try and change my attitude towards him and clear the animosity between us.

Not much help since Boring People have now created animosity between us again. Idiots!

Friday, 06 February 2009

The Rules

Conflicted

Well, our walk last night didn’t do as much for me as our walk on Tuesday did. We walked longer and further though. I’m a little bit stiff. I thought I was going to die by the time I got home. My face sunburned slightly on our walk. We were in the piping hot sun for about 30 minutes. Today my face isn’t looking too bad, you can hardly notice it at all, but it was stinging and pink yesterday! Even after a cold shower I hadn’t cooled down yet, although our water failed me halfway through my shower.

Our water has been touch and go since Monday. Apparently there was some problem with the pressure in the complex. Rudi had to go two days without showering because no water came out of the tap after I had showered. Luckily last night things seemed to normalize.

I’m working this weekend, but I’m glad for it because it means I’ll be off on Valentine’s Day. Last year for Valentine’s Day Rudi bought me a kind of jasmine bush. I managed to keep it alive! Here it is today:



I was thinking about this baby thing last night. As much as I desperately want to be pregnant again and to have a healthy child…all this planning and charting and scheduled sexy time just doesn’t feel right. It shouldn’t be this way. I’m terribly conflicted about this. On the one hand I REALLY want to be pregnant. On the other hand I don’t feel like it should be an orchestrated affair. I feel that it should happen on its own, but as irrational as it may seem I feel like it won’t happen if we don’t have sexy time when we’re supposed to and we need to monitor everything to ensure we do. I know we didn’t need assistance falling pregnant before, but realistically it could have been a fluke. I think there is something like a 12 hour window for an egg to be fertilized. Surely that is easy to miss? How long is THAT going to take? So now I don’t know what to do. Do I follow my head or my heart?

Thursday, 05 February 2009

Needles and things...

Sorry I didn’t get around to blogging yesterday. I was super busy at work and didn’t get a moment. I then got home very late from church and couldn’t log on to the internet so I couldn’t even blog last night.

On Tuesday I felt so incredibly good after our walk. I felt energized and ‘happy’. I even managed to walk faster uphill and recovered more quickly afterwards! I never ever believed people telling me that exercise makes you ‘happy’ and you feel good afterwards. What hogwash! All that exercise did for me was made me tired! Not anymore. I’m really looking forward to our walk tonight again.

Last night before we went our separate ways I tried to impress the importance of having some sexy time with Rudi, although on a Wednesday with him going to darts and me to church there is no time after we get home. He then gets home very late from darts usually and I am asleep. He told me that it was very unlikely that it was going to happen and I just got over myself and left it at that. He woke me up when he got home (after 23:30), but I was so groggy and miserable I told him to take a hike! LOL. I HATE being woken up! He gets extra brownie points for trying though.

Other than that we’ve just been informed of our final bonus scores and I am happy with the result. I’ll be able to pay off at least 1 credit card and pay a hefty sum towards that horrible doctor’s bill I have.

I jabbed a colleague with a needle today. She needs to have injections every day, but can’t see very well where she needs to put the needle. She asked me if I could do it for her and I reluctantly agreed, but it wasn’t too bad! I told her I’d do it for her every day if she wanted. She’s happy about that and I’m happy to help someone in need. Everyone else is too scared to do it! I am a brave chick!

I have a gynae appointment on Monday and I am not looking forward to it. Not only because he is probably going to scratch around in the last place I want him to, but I’m afraid of things he might say. I’m probably stressing myself out for nothing.

Tuesday, 03 February 2009

-1.4kg

So today was weigh day for the first time since I've started my new eating plan and excercising. I've lost 1.4kg so far. Rudi has lost 1.8kg in the same period of time.

I am a bit annoyed that he lost more than me despite the fact that he drank BEER and COKE on Wednesday night and drank on the weekend. Not only that when we went to the Spur last night he enjoyed chips, onion rings and a burger while I had a slimmer's steak with green salad. He also didn't walk with me on Saturday.

It's SO unfair that men lose weight faster than women and don't have to work so hard at it. Even though they aren't really pressured to be 'thin'. I know. I'm competitive. WHATEVER!

I'm not going to let that get me down though and I'm going to keep on keeping on. We've decided that we're going to take Valentine's Day off for dieting and going to eat out and eat whatever we want. I look forward to it!

Monday, 02 February 2009

At my wits end

I’m feeling slightly ill today. I have this burning feeling in my stomach. Maybe it’s because I’m under stress at home. I think that losing our baby has finally caught up to our marriage and even though it’s not what we’re fighting about, I think it might be the underlying reason that is driving a wedge between us. Like Dr. Phil says, people fight about ‘topics’, but never really about the problem itself. Rudi won’t admit this, or maybe I’m wrong.

I basically spent the weekend on my own. On Sunday I went to church and afterwards to my grandfather to help him do something for his boss. We went to the in laws for lunch where I’m usually alone anyway since Rudi is usually cooking or seeing what he can do to fix the pool.

Eventually last night I tried to talk about it. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. The more I tell him that I don’t expect him to give up his friends, I only expect to be considered, the less he seems to understand. All I ask for is some quality time and for him to come home when he says he is going to. This is not a lot to ask, but apparently it is too unreasonable. I had to hear how someone he knows goes away for weekends with his friends. As if I care. I’m not married to that guy!

He told me how his friend’s wives/girlfriends were with them on Friday night and how they didn’t look happy being there, but were there anyway (apparently good wives/girlfriends make sacrifices like this for the people they love). I asked him if that is the type of man he wants to be. The type of man who has a puppy dog following him around miserably and feeling forced to be there; the type of man that makes his wife unhappy.

I am feeling neglected and unimportant. He is feeling trapped and controlled.

He doesn’t understand why I need attention. I don’t understand why he feels controlled and trapped when he has so much freedom.

He doesn’t want to go for counselling. He seems to think that he doesn’t need a ‘head doctor’, but I do. I do not dispute the fact that I could do with some help. He agreed to go if I pay, but I cannot afford it alone.

Suffice to say I am not trying to get pregnant right now.