Friday, 31 October 2008

Good News for a change

I finally got some good news for a change today. I submitted my tax return myself this year for the first time. I registered online as this gives you an extended deadline. This year the revenue service asked employers to submit employee's information to streamline the process. Employees then only needed to verify the information and submit it if correct. It only took me about 5 minutes to do and I completed it on Monday.

Last night I had a nice sum of money paid into my bank account from them. I called them to check whether there had been a mistake and they confirmed that it was correct.

It's not a month's salary or anything, but it is enough money to make my day and enough to help out with our medical bills.

We have a busy weekend and I'm looking forward to Tuesday. Tuesday we will know for sure what is happening with the baby and all the waiting and the hospital trip will be over.

I just want it all to be over.

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Graduation Day

Today is graduation day. Over a year ago I was nominated to take part in a programme at work. We basically did a course offered by Wits University on Telecommunications. About two months ago we wrote the final exam and today we receive our certificates in a special ceremony. I'm not sure if we will get a qualification that is recognized outside of the company, but at least we get some kind of recognition and I'm sure it will be recognized within the company when applying for other positions.

The course took place over a one year period and a lot of people dropped out along the way. All the candidates were nominated and it was implied that it was a great honour, so most felt obligated to participate (at least until they got tired of it). Some people attended all of the sessions, but didn't write the exam. Those that didn't write the exam or did not pass the exam will receive a certificate of attendance. The rest of us will receive a certificate of competence.

So I suppose in some way or form today is a 'happy' day, despite the fact that it's very difficult to be happy right now. Jubba wanted to send me home yesterday. A colleague asked me how the baby is, so I told him. He then did the worst thing he could do...he hugged me. When I am biting back tears the worst thing you can do is comfort me, the floodgates just open up. Jubba happened to walk past and saw me in tears, hence wanting to send me home.

Sarah wonders if I don't feel the way I do because I can feel something from the baby that nobody else can feel because I am her mother. That got me to thinking. Since before we found out about the problems with Lorelei I've been experiencing a lot of pain right at the bottom of my back (where my spine would end) and I wonder now if my back doesn't hurt because her back hurts there, where they suspect she has a problem. Right in the beginning of my pregnancy I used to be standing still and my foot would suddenly give way under me. I know it sounds really weird...but maybe I'm experiencing the things that she is experiencing. Maybe I am feeling her pain.

It's a good thing you don't know where I live...or you would probably be sending the men in the white lab coats my way.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Medical Aid Rip-Off

So here we are. Halfway through the week already. I didn't cry yesterday for the first time since we found out about the problems with our baby. I did still have to bite back some tears, but I didn't burst into them. Going to sit at the hospital on Monday is going to be tedious and frustrating, yet I can't wait. I think we'll pack something to eat and I'll try to take a book along. We'll go as early as possible to try and secure a seat somewhere near the front of the line. I also still have to open a folder at the hospital since I've never been there before.

Once all of this is over I want to change my medical aid. Discovery is a total rip off. We pay around R1700.00 a month. Since about two months ago Rudi and I have been paying our doctors bills out of our own pocket as our medical savings are depleted. We get about R4000.00 medical savings a year from which we need to claim any doctors appointments, medicine, dental appointments and optometrist appointments. Basically they don't cover any of these things, everything has to come from your medical savings. Even the amniocentesis (which is around R3000.00) needs to come out of your medical savings. Had the amniocentesis happened at the beginning of the year we would have needed to cover basically all our medical costs out of our own pocket for the rest of the year. I need to go to the optometrist at least once a year for an eye test and have to buy contact lenses. That already takes a big chunk out of my medical savings. You're supposed to see the dentist once every six months. Rudi and I went to the dentist once this year, both of us had our teeth cleaned and about 1 filling. That cost R2000.00. After that we were pretty much screwed. I got a throat infection when I was about 3 months pregnant - R500 for the doctor and the medicine I required. Neither Rudi or I are sickly people and we don't require to go to the doctor often, but after all the required treatment (optometrist and dentist) we can't afford to get sick. So what am I paying R1700.00 a month for? In case I end up in hospital basically.

The Company have just approved a new medical aid. Bonnita's medical fund. There are a few staff members who are already part of this scheme and I think I will definitely look into changing as soon as we have definite answers about the baby.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

And another Monday

I received a call from the sonar specialist yesterday afternoon. She has made an appointment for me at Tygerberg Hospital next Monday. They have a special clinic on Mondays and she asked them to urgently fit me in. I will be seeing more than one doctor and they will collectively be looking at the scans to help us gain clarity on the questions we have.

Tygerberg is a government hospital. We'll most likely be sitting there for the majority of the day. She even told us to take food as we'll probably get hungry sitting there waiting (she is such a lovely woman). She said she reckons that we'll have enough information on Monday to make an informed decision. She said we shouldn't be frightened by how reception looks (probably very delapidated, neglected and dirty) as they have the best equipment and the doctors really know what they are doing. Tygerberg may have a reputation for being 'run down', but they also have a reputation for having very good doctors. It is also a teaching hospital. The specialist says she thinks she will be wasting our time if she looks again as she has already looked twice and she feels the situation can use a fresh set of eyes, so basically we are going for a second and possibly a third and fourth opinion. She also mentioned that the baby will be more developed (almost two weeks further along since the initial scans) and may be lying a better position for potential problems to be spotted. She wished us all the best and assured us she will stay updated through the other doctors. After Monday we'll contact our gynae and advise him whether or not we want to continue with the pregnancy.

Yesterday I was doing some research on club feet. I found the following link which describes procedures used to correct club feet: http://www.clubfeet.net/medical.php#operations.
The user comments there (not to mention the photos) scare me. There are people that were born with the condition which suffer with pain every day. One gentleman even had his legs amputated and says he is much happier now (he is 51). There are comments of much younger people suffering from the after effects of the condition and people that have had more than 10 surgeries. There are, of course, those that say they are happy and have 'achieved their dreams', but they are by far the minority. It makes me wonder if it would be wise to keep her, even if only her feet are affected as they are both severely deformed. There will be so much pain and suffering, whether or not the surgeries are successful (surgery is serious and terrible for anyone, not to mention a baby that doesn't understand the benefits of it).

This problem is very hard to deal with. I cannot drown my sorrows or light up and forget about my problems. I have to deal with all the emotions head on and sober. Whether or not we decide to terminate I want my daughter to have the best possible life. I don't want her to suffer intoxication in my womb, by my hand. I know it sounds silly, even if we decide to terminate. Some might ask what difference it makes. It makes a difference to me. I want her to be happy - even though she is probably going through a difficult time with me right now as I am very emotional at the moment.

I'm trying my best to relax and be calm for her for now. There is absolutely nothing I can do at the moment either way.

Monday, 27 October 2008

Another Monday

After how my last Monday went...I'm officially "Garfield" about Mondays. I am waiting for a call from the gynae. His receptionist said on Friday that they have received the results and report from the specialist and once he's looked over it she'll give me a call to schedule an appointment. She said she'll call me early Monday morning. She obviously doesn't start work as soon as I open my eyes, but I'm anxious for her call. Rudi is on standby as well.

I was a bit more optimistic over the weekend. Feeling better about things and less negative than I was on Friday, but we still have a decision to make.

Going to church yesterday was difficult. I had to duck out of church quickly to avoid the empathetic people who only mean well, but tend to make me burst into tears.

Coming in to work today was harder. I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm having an anxiety attack. The people that were informed have been respectfully quiet and haven't probed me. The people that don't know, however, have come up to me asking how I am and asking how baby is. If we decide to terminate I think I'll request a departmental meeting while I'm not here to avoid the questions afterwards.

Hold thumbs that the gynae calls soon and that he sees us today.

Friday, 24 October 2008

Test Results

The doctor called with the test results for the 'short' amnio. The test results have come back normal. This still leaves so many unanswered questions. To quote the specialist 'there are too many loose ends'. The 'long' amnio tests take 3 and a half weeks by which time it would be too late to decide whether we are going to terminate.

I've had a lot of time to mince this over in my head and I really feel it would be unfair towards Lorelei to bring her into this world with so much of a disadvantage. Neither Rudi or I could quit our jobs to look after her and I will most certainly not put her in a home. Besides the club feet there is still the question of her spine, her head and her bowel that are abnormal on the scan.

If we could be guaranteed that only her feet are a problem there would not have been a choice to make.

Rudi still remains positive and hopeful. I feel that we should let Lorelei go. It breaks my heart and my soul is bleeding for my daughter. The gynae will only see us on Monday. I wake up every morning crying and feeling hopeless. I really just want this all to be over.

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Lorelei

I want to give my baby her name. I want her to have it no matter what happens. It was her name from the second we chose it for her and I will not take it away from her. We were always certain on what her name would be if it turned out to be a girl. We were stuck on a boys name, but it seems that turned out the way it should have. At least something did.

She will always be our first daughter, our little girl and her name shall be hers and hers alone. I always wanted to call my daughter Lorelei.

I forgot to mention yesterday that she yawned on the scan. It was so cute. I just wanted to burst into tears all over again.

I've calmed down a lot since Monday. Following a path of acceptance. I still feel completely powerless. Rudi is alot more hopeful than me. I don't know how he stays so positive. We fought last night. I started to cry...after containing myself for a large part of the day and he became impatient with me. He cannot understand why I am so emotional when not much is certain. I cannot understand how he is not crying when things are uncertain. I had to remind him that I'm not only upset, but that I am still pregnant and my hormones are still raging inside of me. I told him that he needs to be supportive whether I scream, cry or bang my head against the wall. He needs to understand that I can't just 'relax' until I know better. I need an outlet. I need him to be there for me when I need an outlet.

Ingrid and Andre are a couple in our church who have a down syndrome daughter. They made headlines at some point when they sued the medical profession for not allowing them to have their daughter have a hysterectomy. Their daughter Kelly used to go through a terrible time every month when she got her period. She used to become hysterical, not understanding what was happening to her. The medical profession didn't feel that her mother had the right to take away her right to have a child. Ingrid and Andre eventually won the court case. They truly are amazing people. They are every day heroes. I admire them a lot. My grandfather is very close with them and asked Ingrid to give me a call yesterday.

We chatted for a while. She asked me questions about what they found in the scan and when I was going for the amniocentesis. She has a good idea of what I am going through even though it's not exactly the same. She told me not to think 'big' thoughts right now. Not to think further than today. She said we shouldn't try and think about the outcome or what is going to happen since nobody can predict that. She says she had to learn to take things one day at a time and before she knew it she'd made it through the day, the week, the month. She said we need to appreciate every day that we have with our daughter now. We must just be grateful that we have another day with her, whether it be the one of many or not. She also said I could call her any time of the day or night if I need to talk. She also said she get the downs syndrome foundation to give me a call since they have qualified counsellors that deal with any type of pregnancy complications or problems. She also said that Rudi and I will make the right decision when the time came and that we would make peace with it. She didn't try to force her decision onto me or try to make it more difficult for me to think about.

It really helps to have people around you to support you. Friday is going to be another tough day. Either we'll have an answer - which will be a bad thing or we won't have an answer, which will also be a bad thing.

We'll have to keep a close eye on our girl, Lorelei.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Amniocentesis

(Got the correct spelling from the doctor's bill)

I just went in for the amniocentesis. It didn't really hurt. There was more discomfort than pain. The specialist really is a lovely doctor. We should have the results of any major defects by Friday and I will be advised further then. The doctor only charged me R200.00 today. She didn't charge me any consultation fees, although I took up enough time for an entire appointment. The only thing she charged me for was the drawing of the amniotic fluid. Bless her.

She was able to see a few things better today. She can't really see that the spine closes properly at the bottom. She said the heart looks properly formed - all four chambers. The feet are still very obviously not formed correctly and it seems that the calves are under developed. She said the cerebellum looks like it has formed properly, but the head is slightly 'lemon' shaped which indicates that there might be a problem. She mentioned spina bifida today and has included it in the tests she requires by Friday. I heard her mark the tests as urgent.

She said on the one hand you hope the tests will answer some questions, but practically all answers are bad news. On the other hand if you don't have answers...you still don't have answers. If the results of the tests rule most things out we will have to see what happens as the pregnancy develops.

I have received so much love and support. My family has been there for me, the church has been there for me and my friends have come through for me too. Leebeesa spoke to my supervisor who has spoken to our teams about my situation. She said he said very little, but it had the maximum effect. She said the reaction was concerned, but respectful. I was supposed to work this weekend, but apparently my team has made alternative arrangements to help me out. Bless them.

The ladies at Your Parenting Community (clickable badge on the right) have also poured out love, support and prayers.

I still feel like this is going to be very, very difficult...but all the love and support we are receiving has overwhelmed me and I feel like I can get through this. Whatever the outcome.

Thank you, everyone, for everything. You will never know what it means to me. I love you all.

Our baby is not OK

We were literally counting the days to yesterday's gynae appointment. We were so excited to find out the sex of our baby and couldn't wait to hear the news. We didn't realize the devastation we would experience.

The gynae was scanning and seemed to be struggling to see whether it was a boy or a girl. He was sighing and seemed uneasy. I thought he was just a little annoyed because he was struggling to see. I didn't know that he was probably mentally preparing himself to deliver the bad news. In our first appointment we discussed going for the assessment scan to check for birth defects and down syndrome, etc. He classified us in the 'low risk' category because we didn't have a family history of birth defects and because I'm under 35. While he was scanning me he asked me if I had thought about it and I said that I'd decided to go for the 22 week scan to check that everything is OK. It was then that he broke the news. He said the baby's feet didn't look right and that he wanted to send us to the specialist immediately to check as he didn't want to leave it too long. The specialist is just across the road and agreed to squeeze us in between appointments. The gynae had already mentioned it looks like the baby has a club foot. Of course I freaked out.

In the waiting room at the specialist I cried and cried...we waited for quite a while. Once we went in, she confirmed that both feet are severely deformed. She also told us that we're expecting a little girl (the gynae was unable to see). She scanned for a long time...noting other things that concerned her. Club foot can be isolated, but is usually an indication that there is something else wrong, usually a chromosomal abnormality. She mentioned Trisome 18 which is a very serious condition that babies do not live through. Most that have that condition die in utero. She also noted that the abdomen looked enlarged and that she could see bowel loops that she is not accustomed to seeing so early on. She was also uncertain of the spine as there seemed to be a hole, which may also have been a shadow cast by another bone (club foot can also be related to a hole in the spine). She recommended that we go for an amnio (where they extract amniotic fluid from the gestational sac) so that we can make an informed decision about whether or not to have the baby. We heard her heartbeat.

The amnio costs around R3000.00 and is inconclusive. The thorough test takes about 3 and a half weeks by which time it may be too late to terminate if something serious is found wrong. The shortcut takes 3 - 4 days, but will only show very serious chromosomal abnormalities.

I am devastated. I am so broken inside and I am not coping. I can't find anyone to blame and I don't know who to direct my anger towards. The specialist assured me that there was nothing that either Rudi or I did that could have caused this. This was simply the luck of the draw. She went as far as to say that even smoking TIK (meth) would not have caused this kind of thing to happen. I don't understand why this is happening to us. If this baby was not meant to be, why put the decision on our conscience? I am so scared and so conflicted. I can't even think of words to describe how I feel.

We already know for certain that the baby will need more than one surgery to correct her feet. Our little girl is going to need surgery and special care. We were already worried about who is going to look after her once I have to go back to work...now she will need special care that we probably can't afford.

I have been considering termination - as much as I will be persecuted for that. I love my baby and I don't want her to die. Just the thought of what will happen if we decide to terminate makes me hysterical. The thought of the process. The thought of my living, breathing child being removed from me and dying an undignified death. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to curl up and forget all about this. I want it to go away. I don't want to have to make these kinds of decisions. I want to press the reset button and start over. There is no easy way out.

We have around 3 weeks to decide what is going to happen. I can't do this. Either way...whether we decide to have the baby or not there is a long and difficult road ahead of us. I am scared shitless. I can't stop crying. I've had to take out my contact lenses and wear my glasses (which I haven't touched in years) because I'm always crying. I used to be happy when she moved. Now I don't know how to feel.

Rudi has been very supportive. He stayed with me off work yesterday. He had to go back to work today though. His boss is an ass. I need him so much right now. Having him with me comforts me a great deal. He said he will support whatever decision I make, but I can tell he wants to fight for her. This morning he was in thought and I asked him what he was thinking. He was thinking of the flags that they hang outside the hospital to indicate how many girls and boys had been born that day. Yesterday there were only pink flags. Only girls. I can only hope and pray that this doesn't interfere in our marriage, that our relationship is strong enough to survive this. I'm sure it is, but if something like this can happen to us...anything can happen. I cannot lose him as well. I will die. I do not want him to resent me in the future if we do not have this baby. Oh God...WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?

I didn't go in to work today. I couldn't face people. I can't face the questions. I cannot even face the situation myself. I've been wondering if I should send out an e-mail to explain what is going on so that I wouldn't have to answer the questions. I have already received SMS messages asking if I'm OK. Everybody knew I was going to the gynae yesterday and everybody must have assumed by now that something is very wrong.

As is custom in our church I consulted our religious leaders about the situation. My house priest called upon our district elder to come and see us last night. The advice of the district elder was to have the amnio done and let the doctors guide us. He said we will have to decide what is best for the child. The doctors will be able to tell us about the quality of life the child might have pending the outcome of the tests.

I'll have to phone and make another appointment to have the amnio done.

My little trip to the doctor already cost me R900.00 yesterday. If I can't even afford the investigation...how am I going to afford the outcome?

How do you say goodbye to someone that you love with all your heart and have never met?

How am I going to make it through this?

Thursday, 16 October 2008

Spoilt Amber

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned how spoilt Amber (our cat) is. Mostly by Rudi. He is always referring to her as 'beautiful', 'sexy' or 'gorgeous' and insists on pampering her on a daily basis. We cannot sit or lie down without her being called to join us. At times I get irritated with it, but she's just a cat. He completely went over the top the other night though. We usually buy Whiskas with meaty nuggets for her, but often find that she leaves the meaty nuggets behind and eats the pellets around them, leading us to believe that she's not fond of the meaty nuggets (ironically the selling point of the brand). While feeding her Rudi actually sat and seperated the meaty nuggets from the rest of her food! For goodness sake! I thought this was both disgusting and hilarious.

It makes me wonder who is going to spoil our child more - me or him? Right now I think I'll probably be the more strict parent and he's going to be the 'good cop' all the time. Somehow I'm always the bad guy...

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Mother?

Blogger is still not allowing me to add photos :( I've uploaded the photo of the TV stand on Flickr, so if you'd like to see it you can by following this link:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3010/2944059256_a579bae255.jpg?v=0

I had an interesting revelation last night. I have a human being inside of me. I was once what this little baby is right now. Everyone I know was once what this little baby is right now. Everyone in the WORLD was once what this little baby is.

I have a PERSON growing inside of me. It's so...ALIENS. It's...mind boggling really. While I was thinking about all of this I realized that I'm going to be someone's MOTHER. I know that this kind of realization hits every pregnant women at some point...it's so...so...overwhelming! How am I possibly qualified to raise someone to be a decent human being? I don't suppose anyone is qualified per se...or that people know how to do this any better than I do in the beginning, but it's quite daunting.

I'm going to have to be responsible. I'm going to have someone else completely dependant on me 24/7/365 and 366 on a leap year. I'm not going to be able to go out and let my hair down completely without worrying about the little one back home. I can't put off/call off this change. I can't postpone it. It's happening in a little over four months whether or not I like it. Hectic.

I'm a little worried about Rudi. He has had a cough for the last week or so and this morning he said there was blood in his phlegm. His nose is also really sore and raw on the inside. He's been self medicating since the medical aid is depleted, but I'm afraid he might have to go to the doctor if this doesn't get better and I KNOW the doctor is going to send him for chest x-rays, etc.

I suppose you can't put a price on your health hey.

Monday, 13 October 2008

Weekend Activities

The weekend was way too short.

Every weekend Rudi and I fight about Crack Head. Every weekend he wants to go there and I know exactly what's going to happen. No matter how many promises he makes and how he tries to convince me it will be different, it is always the same. He is never done there at the time he says he will be done. He never wants to leave when I want to leave and most of the time he ends up drunk.

On Friday he wanted to go to Crack Head. I threw a hissy fit and he begrudingly stayed. I told him to get lost since I didn't want him to be at home if he didn't want to be there...but he cooled off and we had a nice evening.

Saturday was time for My Evil Mother's pamper party. There were 5 people there. My aunt, myself, my grandmother, My Evil Mother and a lady from the church that is also invited to the wedding. We had tea and cake and talked nonsense. It was more of a gathering with small gifts for once person than anything else. No forfeits, no fun. I managed to steal the spotlight a little bit with the pregnancy :)

I told Rudi I would be done at around 17:00 and of course he wasn't done at that time (despite his insistence that he would be). Despite having been there since 12:30, apparently they hadn't finished braaing (BBQ) yet. I decided not to fight with him again since he'd already proven my point and called Beauty Queen to have a quick coffee. While her and I were having coffee she invited us for another braai (BBQ) at her in laws house with her husband SLK. We had a lovely evening there. Rudi broke the news to me that he had invited Crack head and his family over for a meal the next day. I was SO peeved. He knew I would have said no, which is probably why he didn't ask me. There was one condition. Crack Head's wife said if he didn't come home at a certain time he wouldn't be allowed to come over to our place. Luckily for me, Crack Head is as unreliable as Rudi in this regard and his wife put her foot down. Beauty Queen and SLK still came over though and we had a lovely lunch.

On Friday I received an e-mail from Sarah...one of her friends wanted to sell a TV stand. We didn't have a proper one and I really liked the one they were selling. On Sunday morning I managed to show Rudi a picture of it and we decided to buy it. I'm really chuffed with it. It looks awesome. We had all our stuff standing on mismatched furniture before and it is so much better now!

P.S. I'll have to load the picture later. Blogger isn't loading properly again :(

Friday, 10 October 2008

Knitting

My grandmother has been on the knit again. I've already got two jackets she's knitted and she's produced the following two:



She'll be knitting an accompanying cap and booties for this green jacket



Cute mommy!

I've asked her to start knitting slightly bigger things as the baby will probably grow out of these in a matter of weeks. Apparently the green one was her attempt at something bigger - and it ended up smaller than all of them! Apparently she's bought double knit wool now. She says this makes a difference. I wouldn't know.

It's so handy having a granny around. Bless her :)

Wednesday, 08 October 2008

My Evil Mother - Update

So the wedding is in just over a week. My aunt is hosting a 'pamper party' (apparently this is the new thing, no more bridal showers or kitchen tea's) for My Evil Mother on Saturday. I'm SO not in the mood to go. My Evil Mother didn't bother coming to my bridal shower. On the one hand I'm kind of glad she didn't. She probably would have been obnoxious and loud and tried to steal the lime light all the time. She did that at my wedding. I had to repeatedly SHUSH her while people were making speeches because she kept on making loud comments that were barely appropriate. I couldn't even hear what the person speaking was saying. Annoying!

I cannot remember the last time I received a gift from My Evil Mother. It was probably Christmas 2005. Since then I did not get anything from her for my birthday, Christmas or my wedding. Not everything is about gifts though, right? This year for HER birthday, she sarcastically said 'Thank you for my gift' (I hadn't bothered getting her one). If I haven't mentioned this before, she didn't wish me for my birthday and ignored me the whole day I was at my aunt's house for the braai my aunt organised for me in honour of the occasion. She also didn't buy me a gift. My birthday was after her birthday. So what is it really all about? Love? Family? Not for her.

I can't help but feel that I was just a clean credit record for her. Another person she could manipulate for money and to make debt for her when her options started running out. I think one of the main reasons she doesn't speak to me anymore is because she cannot use me anymore. Since my eyes have opened to her lies and her scheming...I can't help but see through everything she says. I am flabbergasted by the extent of her lies and cannot help but question past events and situations. I completely mistrust everything the says. If she told me the sky was blue - I would go outside just to make sure.

Reconciliation? Unlikely. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong. My grandparents lost everything because of her. They had a paid off house, a paid off relatively new car and investments to cater for their retirement. They have none of that now. They live in something that can barely be called a bachelor flat. It is one room with a kitchenette and a bathroom. This is situated underneath someone else's house. People that were good enough to take them in. The husband of the couple is very insecure and verbally abusive though. Especially towards my grandfather. All of this because My Evil Mother keeps repeating her mistakes and crawling, begging for forgiveness. She needs to change her life and change the things she does. She needs to become responsible and be accountable for her actions.

Don't get me wrong. She has moments of remorse. She was bawling her eyes out at my wedding, begging me to forgive her. Why ruin my special day? Why make it about HER? Because it's typical. That's why. It would have been better if she hadn't been there. Did you know she went to the restaurant where I had my reception the day before the wedding and left an unpaid bill there? The manager came to discuss the unpaid bill with me on my wedding day. MY day. The day I was supposed to be focused on my union with my husband. Not HER.

Speak of the devil. My aunt just requested I call her and My Evil Mother grabbed the phone. Her furniture (the furniture we assumed was sold due to non payment) has apparently been released free of charge. So why did she need to speak to me? Because she needs a place to put it (notice that she needs me...only speaks to me when she needs/wants something *sigh*) HA HA. Now she HAS to find somewhere to live. I really hope it works out for her. That would be great for my aunt and uncle too. I'm not holding my breath.

Tuesday, 07 October 2008

Peeved with Jubba

Jubba made me incredibly mad yesterday. I don't remember being called incompetent so many times in one day...ever. At the end of the day I guess I shouldn't take it personally since he thinks everyone but himself is a blithering idiot. I wasn't the only one that suffered under his wrath...but I don't feel like I deserve it.

Leebeesa can relate to this as he is her line manager too and she suffers under him as well. No matter how hard you work or how well you work, it's never good enough. His management style is appalling. Nobody ever asks us to give feedback on his 'performance' as such, so nobody ever hears us. I seriously felt like crying yesterday. Rudi was supportive...but he doesn't really know how this man is. How he can make you feel like a worthless speck of nothing.

I'm still peeved with him today, although he could probably care less. Whether or not I told him how I felt, he'd just do it again somewhere down the line. He may apologize and feel bad at a particular junction - but it does not change who he is. Leebeesa has described him as a 'bull in a china shop'. I really cannot think of a better way to describe what he's like. Especially when he is getting pressure from above. I would actually much rather deal with Concussed One (his line manager) who has a much better way of speaking to people.

Even after telling me (and my entire team) yesterday that a street sweeper could do our jobs, he still had the audacity to ask me to do something for him today. I felt like telling him to find someone competent to do it. GRRRR.

I know I'm hormonal right now, but I've complained about Jubba even before I was pregnant and I'm not the only one that feels this way. Jubba has been working here for around 13 years though and has been in his current position for around 8. No hopes of him getting a promotion then.

P.S. Just click on the tag 'Jubba' to see other entries regarding him

P.S.S. Sarah loved her gift. I ended up buying her a leopard print comforter. She absolutely adores anything leopard print...so she was stoked with the gift. It sucked that I couldn't be there when she opened it (she opened her gifts after the party), but I'm just glad to know she liked it.

Monday, 06 October 2008

Social Life

I actually had a social life this weekend. I forgot how exhausting it can be!

On Friday we went to Sarah's 21st. The hall turned out really nicely and I think it was a great success! The DJ was awesome. He had smoke machines and lights for special effects. The platters were also really great! It seemed that everyone had a good time. I was able to observe all of this while sober. It's funny to watch people get progressively more and more drunk. Apparently there was some drama after I left, but I can't comment on any of that since I wasn't there.

On Saturday we had a dinner at Amber's house. The setting and everything was really beautiful. Everyone brought their own dish so there was a variety of food. There were mussels and mini cajun pizzas for starters. Chicken curry with rice and potato bake for main course. Malva pudding and cheesecake for dessert. Rudi and I didn't stay for dessert as I was feeling a little under the weather.

On Sunday Boogaloo came over with his new boyfriend. I haven't sized him up completely yet. So far I like him...but I'd like to get to know him better before I make a final decision.

I'm feeling OK. Had a bit of a nose bleed this morning and my gums are sore and swollen. Other than that the morning sickness has died down and I'm generally feeling a lot better. The baby is moving around, still not kicking and still not frequently.

My grandfather is taking some strain since he went for the chemo drip again last Thursday, but he's starting to improve again which is great. It usually only gets better from here.

Thursday, 02 October 2008

Stuff I forgot to blog about

The other night I had a dream that Rudi was cheating on me. Somehow in those dreams he is always doing it right in front of me and flaunting it. I can't even remember who it was with, but I woke up and was livid with him! I saw him lying there sleeping peacefully and wanted nothing more than to beat the living crap out of him. It took me a minute or two to realize that I had just had a realistic dream and didn't need to punch him in his sleep.

Last night after returning from our evening with Beauty Queen and SLK my car was giving me problems. I was SO upset. I bought my car in 2006 and have looked after it really well. I've taken it in for every service and made sure that extra parts are properly fitted. Nobody tampers under the hood except Opel. There was no problem with the car on the way there. I decided to drive home because Rudi had had a few to drink. Every time I slowed the car down to stop (taking my foot off the accelerator) the car would cut out. Repeatedly. It was so annoying as it was raining and dark and there were still quite a few other cars on the road. I had to put on my hazards repeatedly to warn people that I was 'stuck'. On the N1 Rudi told me to open it up and rev the car to 6000, 7000 revs. He made me do this a couple of times. Eventually started shouting at him because I didn't want to put the car into neutral while I was driving and he insisted that I do so. As we were almost home it seemed to stop cutting out. I was really freaked because I thought there is something serious wrong and that I would be stuck without a car, etc, etc. This morning the car was fine.

I spoke to CP about it and he said it was most likely a bubble in the fuel line. We had filled up yesterday and it's quite possible that there was a bubble somewhere that was causing the problem.

I am so sick of this rainy weather I could cry. We have had more rain this September in our region than we've had in 52 years. That's half a century! It's depressing. It's October already (a month into Spring) and it's still raining and cold. I'm SO OVER IT! They are hoping that the weather is going to clear up now and that we've seen the last of the cold fronts for a while. I hope so too.

I'm looking forward to Sarah's party tomorrow night. I still have to go and buy her a gift after work today. I still have no idea what I am going to get for her.

Air

I got a lovely surprise at work yesterday. Our friends that recently left for Amsterdam for an indefinite period of time returned to South Africa for good yesterday! They kept their return on the down low and surprised some of their friends (including us). We went out with them for drinks and a light dinner last night. Although we got home very late we had a really nice time. It was awesome seeing them again. Beauty Queen even bought baby's first dummy :)

Now back to the subject line. I feel like I've got enough air to fill a hot air balloon trapped inside me! I can hear it and feel it moving around. It's most uncomfortable and embarassing. It's also causing discomfort and pain. I'm pretty sure that this is just another pregnancy joy...I don't feel like I'm constipated or anything...it's just this...AIR.

I'll have some all bran for breakfast, just in case.

Wednesday, 01 October 2008

Baked

Unfortunately I don't mean that I'm stoned*, I mean I actually baked. There were some old bananas in the fridge so the idea to bake a banana loaf crept into my mind yesterday. I was off, so I managed to dig out my baking utensils and blow off all the dust and cobwebs that had gathered. Surprisingly enough I had all the required ingredients, I just didn't have the baking tins. Rudi made a turn by his mother after work and she gave me her two new baking tins (small loaf tins).

The smell eminating from our place last night was absolutely divine! Rudi went out to buy electricity at some points and when he came back he said he was able to smell it from downstairs. I baked two small loaves. They are delicious! I might even be inspired to bake some more! Rudi has been nagging for us to bake some kind of bread for a couple of weeks now already. Now he wants onion and feta bread. Perhaps I've started something I might regret :)

Other than that the pregnancy is moving along rather inconspicuously. My skin is awfully dry and I tend to itch. I've been putting on some cocoa butter oil after showering that seems to have helped for some parts of me. I have bio oil, but I hate slathering it on. *shudder* I'm not particularly phased by stretch marks since I already have them, but the itching is driving me nuts.

A colleague said to me today that someone told him to tell me that I don't need to dress in baggy clothes since my stomach isn't showing yet. Of course he wouldn't say who told him this. Weird thing is that I am still wearing my old clothes. I'm not wearing 'new' clothes or 'maternity' clothes. I know you can't see my stomach yet (just the old one that was there before) and I'm not consciously dressing to hide it. Not more than I was before anyway. People can be silly.

Another colleague has announced their pregnancy. It really seems like there's something in the air. There are at least 3 people at work and 3 people outside of work that I know of that are currently expecting.

I'm super excited about my next gynae appointment. We should be finding out the sex of the baby then. 19 days to go!

*Oh shut up. I know I can't get stoned.